Around a month ago, one of my friends introduced me to one of their classmates, R. R seemed a bit weird at first, but I brushed it off because he was really nice to me and my friend. And, he quickly became part of our friend group. However, ever since I met him, R seems to be really possessive of me.
The past week, I wasn’t able to meet up with R in the mornings or at lunch because I had a lot of projects to work on. The whole week, R was making jabs at me and my friends because of this. Yesterday, he called me and started yelling at me for “ditching him”. He was saying that I was being dramatic when I told him that I was really stressed because of the amount of work I had to do even though he and I have different courses.
I had a really bad fallout with my friend Nathan a while ago. R was encouraging me to talk to him about it until he heard that it was going well. He started saying that I was stupid for deciding to fix our friendship even though he did not have the full story about what happened. For one of my final projects, Nathan ended up in my group which really helped us reconcile. R kept trying to guilt trip me about that and talking about how Nathan probably hates him. (Nathan has no idea who he is). He keeps asking me how things are going with Nathan and every time he hears that we’ve started talking to each other again, he gets mad at me.
He also keeps trying to make me feel bad about talking to my other friends who aren’t part of our friend group. He keeps saying that he can’t hang out with me if they’re there because they all “hate his guts.” However, none of them know who he is. Once, I was hanging out with two of my other friends and he got mad at me and called me a terrible person for not inviting him even though my friends have no clue who he is. And, he’s convinced that they hate him.
He always plays the victim when he gets called out. R has a crush on a girl we’re both friends with, S. A few days ago, S told R that she has a crush on this other guy, but she only told him the guy’s initials and that he was in two of her friend’s classes. R then proceeded to interrogate that friend about it and it got to the point where that friend got mad at him and told him to back off. I know that friend isn’t the type to yell at people for no reason but when R texted me to vent about it, he only sent me the screenshots of what S’s friend said. Also, when he was talking to me about his crush on S, he was really creepy about it which makes it really hard for me to take his side.
He gets mad at me if I don’t respond to his texts immediately. Once he texted me at 3 am, and proceeded to spam my dm’s to the point where I had a 100+ notifications and yelled at me for not responding, even though I was sleeping. He’s in a group chat with a few of my friends and every time he sees that I’m online, he yells at me for not talking to him.
I do feel bad for him because apparently he was bullied really badly for something a few months ago which is probably why he thinks that everyone hates him. However, I’ve known about his existence for a month and I feel like that’s way too early for him to start making demands about who I hang out with, especially since my friends have done nothing to him. I also find him to be a little creepy since he always wants to know what I’m doing and gets mad at me over the littlest things. He is really nice otherwise, which makes me feel bad about wanting to cut ties with him.
2 comments
It sounds like you at least recognize that his demands or expectations about you are unreasonable and you’re not obligated to do what he says, so that’s good. Either you can:
* Tell him, honestly and respectfully, that he’s making unwarranted expectations about your relationships and time spent. Be specific, preferably with examples. Explain how it makes you feel, that you don’t appreciate it, and would like him to stop doing these things. If it’d be easier to have a talk about a specific trend (like butting into your life), rather than address every single issue you have with him, go for it. You could even say that you want to continue being friends with him, but that his behavior is getting in the way.
* Do nothing, and continue ignoring or dismissing his annoying behavior, if you feel like it’s benign enough.
* Stop being friends with him, if his behavior is annoying enough and you don’t feel like you can safely or realistically influence him to change his behavior.
It sounds like your new ‘friend’ is showing a whole cornucopia of red flag behavior.. aggressive, entitled, creepy.
I would flat out tell him if he doesn’t respect you or your boundaries there is no point being friends. This means no yelling, no telling you what to do, no blowing up your phone. Even just that he yells at his ‘friends’ is unacceptable behavior. When he tries to guilt you about something you do, like talking to someone he doesn’t like, you can just say “that’s not my problem”. He sounds like a bully and some boundaries/tough love might wake him up to the idea that he can’t pull this shit with you if he wants you to stick around.
The fact that he is nice is not relevant. Manipulative people often use kindness to get what they want, and punish when they don’t get what they want. Which sounds exactly like what he is doing.
Additionally its a very common pattern of behavior for aggressors to make themselves the victim, look up ‘DARVO’
If you’re worried about friends taking his side you could talk to them first about it, just to let them know. Something like “hey, just as a heads up it bothers me when [dudes name] yells at me so i’m trying to enforce some boundaries, he might not like it, just wanted to let you know if he starts badmouthing me, that might be why”
Your friends might surprise you, they might be also uncomfortable with his behavior and unsure what to do about it.