Was walking to town today and started crossing on a zebra crossing (one without a signal), and got flipped off and yelled at by an SUV driver who was mad that he had to wait for me to go. I didn’t yell back, and I know I wasn’t wrong, but how do I get over it? My heart is still racing quite a bit and I can’t stop thinking about it although it’s been 15 minutes. I don’t want to let it get to me but it still does.
EDIT: just woke up, thank you so much for all the thoughtful responses! I think trying to think of it as a ‘them’ problem will help me stop myself from giving the next angry person I meet too much thought.
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I deal with it by remembering that it doesn’t matter. Some guy got mad? So what? He can be as mad as he wants, not my problem. I’d rather spend time doing my stuff, instead of thinking of some unhidged stranger and whatever his deal may be.
You just have to know that these people have a problem in their lives and they take it out on you. You don’t have to like it, but if you can accept the reality, it makes it less of an emotional burden and more of an observation.
It’s over with now. Being angry about it is just wasted energy. You felt what you felt. You’re entitled to how you feel. It’s time to let go.
Someone on Reddit commented that holding grudges is like drinking poison, expecting the other person to die.
It’s over now and don’t take it personally, literally could of been anyone crossing and he would of acted the same way.
Yah, anger is a strong emotion and it can shake you right up while on the receiving end of it. Being in a car also depersonalises other people, hence road rage, people don’t usually act like this in the shop. Just try to remove it from it being a *you* issue. It’s a *them* issue, now do whatever you can to self soothe, like take a hot shower, journal, or punch a boxing bag lol.
it’s not about you but you also don’t have to accept it. i would rather like to react in some way than just be quiet because i know it would do the same to me as you are describing. that persons aggression would get stuck in my body. so if i manage i’d rather choose to be really petty and walk extra slow or yell something back. i don’t always manage to do that when something like that happens but sometimes. it feels very different
https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-switch-off-an-angry-person
psychcentral.com
How to Deal with Angry People
6 – 8 minutes
Dealing with someone who’s angry can be challenging, but there are ways to defuse their anger and ease a tense situation.
It’s natural to feel angry sometimes. Many of us have developed strategies for working through anger when it creeps up. We know what may irk us and what works best to calm ourselves down.
But when we find ourselves face-to-face with someone else’s anger, how to act becomes less clear. What are we supposed to do?
Understanding how to deal with an angry person can help you defuse the situation and protect yourself from potential aggression or volatility.
Anger comes in many forms.
While various terms are used to describe the types of anger experiences, most types fall under one of three categories:
Outward (or external) anger. This is expressed outwardly at a person or thing, such as raising your voice or throwing something.
Inward (or internal) anger. You express toward yourself, and you may engage in self-isolation, negative self-talk, or even self-harming behaviors.
Passive (or passive-aggressive) anger. This refers to the indirect ways we express anger, such as making catty remarks or using sarcasm.
Some specific types of anger can include:
deliberate anger
behavioral anger
addictive or habitual anger
moral, judgmental, or righteous anger
fear-based anger
frustration-based anger
volatile or sudden anger
chronic anger
manipulative anger
pain-based anger
self-abusive anger
psychological anger
A 2015 studyTrusted Source suggests that anger is most often triggered by:
other people
a person’s environment
psychological or physical distress
intrapersonal demands environment
unknown causes
There are several ways you can tell that someone is experiencing anger or aggression. They may express their feelings physically or show it in how they act — or react.
Physical signs of anger include:
sweating
pacing
clenched jaw
clenched fists
frowning or scowling
raised voice
trembling or shaking
Particular behaviors can also signal anger, such as:
shouting or yelling
being “snappy” or quick to react
giving curt or “short” responses
displaying physical aggression
having sudden outbursts
holding a grudge
using insults
expressing annoyance or irritability
making accusations
sulking or moping
showing intolerance
turning to violence
hurting themselves or others
When you’re dealing with someone angry, it can be difficult to know how to react in a way that won’t escalate the situation and make it worse.
Here are some strategies you can try.
Respond rather than react
When someone else’s behavior is heightened, it can be easy to jump to the defensive. We may quickly — and perhaps harshly — react rather than take a moment to consider our response.
While it can be hard, listening, remaining calm, and keeping your replies measured can help you get through what can be a stressful situation.
Try to avoid becoming angry or agitated during the interaction. Instead, try to respond with empathy and care.
This will show the person that you hear what they’re saying, understand their point of view, and reaffirm that their feelings are valid.
Don’t take it personally
While you may feel like you’re receiving the brunt of someone’s outburst, it’s may not even be about you.
Anger can be triggered by a current situation or rooted in something else.
The person’s anger may result from something another person said earlier, a stressful presentation at work, or simply having a rough day.
A 2012 study suggests that people are less upset by a situation when they know that they’re not the cause of someone else’s anger. This can help you remain calm and avoid becoming agitated to more easily handle the other person’s behavior.
Create distractions
A distraction can sometimes be exactly what’s needed to stop someone in their angry tracks.
Distracting someone expressing anger or upset may interrupt their tirade and give their feelings a chance to pause. This allows them to step outside of their anger and potentially reflect on their behavior.
Providing a way for the person to shift focus can allow them to shift their focus to dealing with their anger rather than resting in it.
When using distraction, try to be mindful of interrupting the person or invalidating their feelings. This strategy is a way to help them reset and refocus and is not meant to make them feel as though their anger doesn’t matter or isn’t justified.
Look for solutions
When someone’s angry, you may feel the need to find a way to resolve what’s causing them so much agitation. One way to help is by offering up solutions.
Not sure how to best solve what’s upsetting them? Don’t be afraid to ask!
Gently stop the person and ask how you can help them feel less angry. Once you know what they need, you can work with them to develop positive and proactive solutions.
This can also help ease their anger and create calm by shifting their attention from negative feelings to positive action.
Set boundaries
Whether you’re a person who feels deeply or it takes a lot to rattle you, setting boundaries can be crucial to maintaining mental and emotional balance. Before you’re faced with managing someone else’s feelings, try to establish your limits.
You can do this by deciding what behaviors are too much to handle and understanding how to recognize the signs of aggression or danger.
While only about 10% of anger experiences lead to aggression, it’s crucial to remain safe.
Knowing your boundaries and sticking to them will help you know when it’s time to remove yourself from a potentially harmful situation.
If, or when, you feel threatened in any way, it may be time to leave.
Everyone experiences anger. But while experiencing our anger is one thing, it can be quite different to cope with someone else’s.
When dealing with an angry person, it can be easy to let ourselves get agitated and respond with anger or an upset tone. But remaining calm, looking for solutions, and setting boundaries can help manage the other person’s anger — rather than fuel it.
If you find yourself facing a person whose anger won’t subside or who is becoming volatile, it may be time to remove yourself from the situation. Though most expressions of anger don’t turn into aggression, your safety is important.
Protect yourself and walk away if you feel unsafe in any way.
You did great! I know you’re upset, but you didn’t rise to the bait and kept on moving. I promise that in-and-of-itself is a *major* victory and says a lot of positive things about your self-control. I’m a person who’s angry and reactive, and I really envy how you kept a cool head. (I know that’s not your question, but I don’t want you to miss this chance to big up yourself. It’s easy to focus on the struggles without seeing the shit you’re doing right.)
That response your feeling is fight or flight. Your body saw a threat and it’s getting you ready to meet it, one way or another. There are a couple ways you can manage that. You can either use that energy (run, fast walk, whatever works to use the adrenaline until it’s gone) or you can take a minute to step aside, wait until your heart rate has dropped, then continue on your day. Either way, let yourself feel and work through the emotions, even if that takes finding a quiet spot, shutting out outside stimulus, and breathing through it for a minute. In my experience, not letting yourself process, just trying to avoid it or shut it out, extends the stress much, much longer. Better to let yourself feel your feelings.
Also, during that time, please keep reminding yourself that their emotions are their own. You’re not responsible for them, and you can’t control or change them. You did right; you don’t deserve to be screamed at. They let their reactive anger run the show, and that’s entirely about and on them.
Emotions are just signals to your brain. You got the signal, try to let the feeling pass, but don’t push it away
Just imagine living a life where you always feel superior to everyone else. How much stress and feeling neglected it comes with, when normal people around them don’t give a single f*ck about them. It probably comes from bad childhood where they were neglected by their parents or there was no love. So they have to put themselves on the pedestal thinking that’s how you get love.
I used to get that feeling in online games, when people were toxic for no reason. You just have to understand they have something very wrong going on in their lives and rather than feel angry at them, feel sorry for them.
I get over it because they don’t matter. I will never see them again. It’s kind of an ego boost whenever I feel bad about myself, because at least I’m not that big of a piece of shit. And I just find it funny.
Pissing off people who deserve it is extremely fun.
Their anger and aggressions towards people is theirs and not your to keep . Keep staying humble
That’s happened to me before. Sorry you had to go through that. People in cars can be so angry. You already got over it. You’re okay now.
Dude had to shit. Real bad. Like, prairie-dogging doesn’t begin to describe. His pants might’ve been wet by then. Poor bastard.
My point in saying all of that is – you will never know what he was going through or why he acted the way he did. The likelihood you’ll ever meet again is not that high. As such (and **I SPECIFICALLY ADVISE AGAINST DOING THIS ALL OF THE TIME**) you get to decide what his intention, motivation, and the details were.
By looking at it as such, you get to change how *you* feel about the whole occasion. It’s not fun being upset and angry over someone you don’t even know being so shitty, right? It hurts. It’s awful. What’s wrong with me that would inspire someone to behave that way…?
So in my mind, he was about to empty himself all over the drivers seat. I feel bad for the person stuck in that situation; it’s an awful feeling to have a moment like that without a restroom. Poor guy. Having such a shitty day himself – I guess I can’t fault him for being a little bit Yell-y towards me. Gods, as bad a day as I was having, at least I’m not the one about to shit himself in rushhour traffic.
Yes it’s a crass example, but my point is – you will never know what he was actually upset about, so you can present a relatable situation that he was in that is understandable to yourself, to “know” that you were not the person he was upset at; you just so happened to be in his line of sight at that moment.
I mean, he has his feelings, let him have them. They’re not yours, they’re his. What does it *actually* have to do with you? Nothing.
when it comes to drivers, i always imagine they are in a hurry to the toilet. with a bad case of the runs.
so whenever they get angry, i just feel sorry for them.
You crossed at a proper crosswalk and thats more than i could ask for as an angry driver. I say angry driver because everyone is a moron in disguise and pedestrians are no exeption.
Some people are just constantly in shit moods from the surroundings of their life and find any little way they can to express that. That doesnt mean you have to be in a shit mood or indulge it.
Wise words from my momma: be the duck. Let it roll right off you like water. Dont let it bug you cause then youll get your feathers wet
I understand! My mom used to drive home from my house, an hour and a half, and she’d always go the speed limit.🙄 So I’d drive behind her on the access road, because I’d just get so sad at the thought of anyone flipping her off. So they’d come up behind me, lay on their horns and yell, and flip me off, be so awful and then they’d see her haha. I’d have tears coming down. But they wouldn’t be mean to her.
I always felt so bad for them, because they’d look so ugly yelling at a total stranger, and a young woman to boot. I was 30-35.
Then they put in two way each way access roads, so it was a little safer and I showed her how to take an adjacent but parallel route. That was years of my life. There are some angry people out there, be careful.
Just be present in the now. All is well. Past is the past. The future is the future. Deal with here and now for a better past and a brighter future
Feel for em. It’s unfortunate they ain’t got the emotional control or mental capability to self-regulate. I really do feel bad for them bc it’s often true. Angry interaction “I’m sorry you feel that way”. Acknowledge, disarm and move on. This works whether they are just having a bad day or they really have such little self-control. If I was having a shit day I’d want others to treat me with compassion.
It seems like more and more adults are refusing to be responsible for their own emotions and so they shit all over others. The person who flipped you off thrust their negativity onto you because they abdicated their responsibility for how they felt.
It fucking sucks to experience that and I’m sorry that it happened to you. We live in a time where this seems to be a strong and growing minority but please remind yourself that other adults not being responsible for how they feel doesn’t stop you from still having to be responsible for your emotions. Choose to be one who is responsible for their own emotions; this means taking the negativity thrust upon you, processing it, and turning it into something valuable for you and others. How you do that, is up to you. I make things.. music, art, building something.
As someone who’s hyperfixation is human behavior I’d like to add ~ often times when we are confronted with another person’s anger & it sits & stirs within us, it can signify a couple things to focus on, one I’d like to point out.
Everything is a mirror for us to learn about ourselves. When their anger lingers in us & causes rumination, we should look at our relationship to our own anger. How comfortable are you expressing anger when it justifiably arises in you? How well do you sit with that emotion and allow it to be part of the human spectrum of emotions? Do you push it away & stuff it down? If you could visualize all emotions as a child, would that child (anger) be put off into a different room, shunned or punished for existing? Or would it be allowed to have as much play time as close to you as all the other more easier felt & “positive” emotions?
If you have a hard time processing another’s anger, it may show you that you have a hard time processing your own anger. Anger shows us where our boundaries have been crossed & is a very protective emotion, it is present as like a big sibling trying to watch out & protect you. It is healthy & very useful. It is not an ounce of wrong for anger to exist or be present … it is *how we act on that anger* that is the key.
Maybe next time you feel angry, can you pause, put a hand on where you feel tension in your body (typically the chest or stomach), and literally speak to yourself (out loud or silent) “I’m allowed to feel angry, this anger is useful & helpful, there is nothing wrong with anger.” Look at it directly & allow it to take up some space in you compared to shunning it & kicking it out ~ sit with that child & soothe it. And then validate it, “my boundary was just crossed, that was wrong what just happened, I was violated, this anger is valid” (whatever the situation is). You deserve to feel angry. If you can, then go further, *what is beneath that anger?* Anger is always a masking emotion, it is a shield for another emotion that lies behind it and feels more vulnerable to be felt, such as shame, insecurity, inferiority, sadness, hurt, etc. If you can label & allow *that* emotion, you’ve just done some major processing & internal work. Good job.
As a sometimes angry person myself, know it’s not you. It’s that I have impulse control struggles because of my ADHD and try as I might a small dumb thing might set me off. It’s not you, it’s genuinely me. I don’t deserve your compassion in those moments, but it’s a hard truth to admit in such a public forum
That happens to me sometimes too. Tbh, just know that the problem is with them. They likely run into fights everywhere they go. Don’t take it personally.
> I didn’t yell back, and I know I wasn’t wrong, but how do I get over it?
For me, it all came down to knowing someone who does that kind of thing, it’s my dad.
My dad is an angry driver, everything is always everyone else fault. He honks and yells out his window at people all the time. He will NOT stop, day to day he’s a jerk but it’s more mild, while driving he’s a top level A-hole.
I cannot stress to you enough, he does this over the most trivial and random things. To him, it’s really important that the other person know they upset him, that’s why he does it, so “they know what they did”. But they never know, because whatever they did to offend him is 9/10 times only offensive in his own mind. To most people whatever has offended him is some trivial bullshit, or insult that only he can perceive.
And that’s the core message here. His honking and yelling, it’s so much more about him and his own insecurities than it is the people he’s being a jerk too. He feels like other people are jerks and there’s no repercussions and so in his mind he’s a one man vengeance machine telling everyone on the road that they have done wrong. But in reality he’s a petty, small, insecure jerk driving around honking his horn and yelling for literally zero actual reasons.
How you feel right now, that’s how he wants you to feel. He wants you to feel angry and small because that’s how he feels all the time. Don’t do it, don’t let him win. Someone honks and yells at you, it’s about them not about you, just move on and never think of it again. I guarantee it’ll bother the honker for longer than that, and in that, you’ve beaten him.
I can’t get him to stop being a jerk to people. But you can stop letting it bother you, and that will in turn bother him. I consider that a win.
PS. I’m 40 and he’s done this kind of shit all my life. I’ve yelled at him over it, I’ve talked calmly to him about it, nothing will get him to stop. In his mind, he’s doing the right thing, a public service so all these A-hole drivers. In reality, he’s the asshole and other people are absent minded at best.
Of course that person is being a dick and you shouldn’t feel bad about crossing the street. But, if it is uncommon for you to encounter angry and confrontational people, you will probably feel anxious and uneasy whenever you do. The only way to feel more comfortable in those situations is to be in them more often which isn’t great but that’s the only way you can be truly comfortable in a specific scenario. Most people feel on edge in those situations because we don’t face something like that everyday. It just takes time to realize that the angry person is probably having a bad day and you shouldn’t give it any power over you .
From the other side I have been that angry person in the past. If they are a person with a moral compass they knew what they did was wrong and felt bad about it after. It really has nothing to do with you, they would’ve done it to anyone who was crossing that day. You just happened to be there.
SUV drivers in particular are very selfish people not worth paying much mind to
I’m feeling pretty similar right now actually. Played in an online tournament in a game last night and got assigned a random teammate. Nonstop trash talking, every problem was always my fault, constantly trying to coach me. At one point we were just straight arguing. Yet somehow we won all our games handily (except the one we were arguing in) and won the tournament. So I got stuck with this guy for over an hour, by the time we won I realized I hadn’t had fun. Still haven’t let it go yet, obviously.
It’s challenging. I came here to say that I am finding an increased level of aggression with drivers, so please — everyone reading this — please drive defensively and stay safe.
Just this past month I’ve been flipped off because I slowed down to make a turn(!), got yelled at because I didn’t want to turn into oncoming traffic, and someone on a motorcycle drove up to my driver’s side at a stop light and motioned with his hands “What are you doing?” (I checked when I entered traffic and saw no one coming, so maybe in that split second later he was going too fast and appeared after I already turned my head? IDK). Please know I am the highest level of driver with the insurance companies. I was driving safely and not too slow, and I rarely get yelled at.
People are angry: with their finances, with rising prices, with not having a home, with politics, with covid, and with their own personal stressors. As to what you can do — you handled yourself very well because none of us want to get killed in a road rage incident. Just try not to take it personally, take a relaxing bath, eat ice cream, and vent to your friends. I am personally trying to accept that times are getting tougher and tougher and there will be more of these incidents.
SUV driver. I mean this says it all xD.
Don’t take this guy seriously. He is the one that suffers the most because of himself.
I laugh to the point I forgot what happened and move on. Whatever they made me feel at that moment just goes away and never comes back. No memory of it at all.
I had something similar. My muscles would tighten up. I tried so many things but top things would be nutrition and health. It’s very easy to be deficient in vitamins. Maybe get some blood work done and see if you need anything. Next would be physical health. I tried martial arts to build up confidence, but tbh I think yoga has helped a lot more. Fascia in the body can hold trauma. Yoga stimulates fascia and makes sure it’s healthy. Making you more comfortable in your body and release anxiety/trauma. Working customer service jobs, I started off way tense and easily worked up. Now I’m not sure there’s anything that would get to me.
u got to close (no) “spider-sense”—-avoid duck dodge these people !!!!!
Think of it as an opportunity to pray for them, that they handle their emotions better in the future and that they experience more joy out of life. Thank God for the restraint you showed in that situation.