My boyfriend (25M) and I (24F) have been together for 5 years. We’ve lived together for 3 years (with roommates because we can’t afford a place on our own right now) and I really want to spend my life with him. He is my best friend and my perfect guy in so many categories.
Our sex life is nonexistent though. We’re both on antidepressants and because of this our sexual intimacy began to decrease, and now it’s at the point where we’ve only had sex three times in a year. My libido is still at a relatively normal level (it’s very very high when I’m off meds) but his desire for sex is gone. When we weren’t on meds years ago we had great chemistry and had sex at least once or twice a week which was fine for both of us, and that’s what reminds me that it is possible for us to have a good sex life.
Now I’m just so sad because I love him so much and I really enjoy sex. For me it’s a large part of a relationship and it’s something I value a lot. I’ve asked him about this and he says he’s tired and his sex drive has deceased, but then he admits he still masturbates a few times a week. He explained it’s because that is much less effort for him. I try to initiate and I offer to do the “work” and he says not right now or not tonight. I’ve offered just to go down on him, nothing more and he still says no. He told me he doesn’t like that it’s like this, but he can’t help it. He also said it doesn’t help that our roommates are almost always home and that it impacts his drive. The few times we’ve been left at the apartment alone he still doesn’t want to though.
He might still have some insecurities from past girls making fun of him for not performing “like a man should” and I think those feelings might be coming back but idk. I’ve told him there’s no pressure and we don’t even have to have sex, but maybe oral? Hand stuff?? Kissing naked?? Kissing at all? Anything??? He just kinda shrugs and clearly isn’t enthusiastic so I drop the subject. I’m thinking maybe this antidepressant isn’t working as well as it should since he still seems depressed, but decreased libido is a common side effect too.
Basically I’m at a loss. I really want sex or some sort of sexual intimacy and it’s making me so upset and honestly insecure that he doesn’t have any desire to. I know I shouldn’t take it personally but I still do. Idk what to do about this, just kinda shouting into the void to see who could possibly help. Thanks in advance.
5 comments
If you’ve told him that sex is important to you and he isn’t making any effort…that’s not good. It sounds like you may need to decide if the two of you are compatible anymore. Sucks, I know.
I’d try Wellbutrin for an antidepressant. Doesn’t lower sex drive.
A couple with different sex drives is very common but that difference can be hard to resolve without a ton of work, patience, and most importantly, mutual commitment.
Keep in mind: in most cases, it’s neither person’s “fault” that their libidos are the way they are. Libidos often can and will change over the course of a relationship (let alone lifetime) and the odds that two people will always be in synch are really low.
So what can you do?
Establish how important sex actually is to both of you in the context of your relationship, i.e. you ask “do we both agree with we want sex and sexual intimacy to be a core part of our relationship?”
Let’s say you both agree “yes, sex is important to us.” So the next step is for the two of you to talk through, “what can we do together to create a fulfilling sex life that doesn’t starve one person or flood the other?”
Basically, you start to figure out what realistic compromises look like. There can be all kinds of things couples can try out but just so there’s no illusions here, the goal isn’t for each of you to get 100% of what you want, it’s to find a middle ground that sustains your relationship in a meaningful way.
And again, it’s not just about “how often do we have sex?” even though that’s an easily quantifiable mark. Sexual intimacy can be achieved through various approaches that aren’t just about PIV or oral or whatever. If both of you are in this together, then you can get creative with thinking about what other kinds of intimacy may help keep that spark alive without it being the same kinds of sex you typically have.
This all starts with agreeing to work on this as a couple. If the two of you can’t agree on that, well, that’s a pretty irreconcilable difference that could lead to the dissolution of your relationship. That’s a possibility that all couples have to take seriously, and not shy away from if it’s what makes the most sense. The alternative is being stuck in a relationship that gets increasingly undermined by frustration and resentment.
For folks in your situation, I also highly recommend “[the dead bedroom repair manual](https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ)” by Melody Parker, who is a psychologist that gathered a lot of her information on couples, dealing with sexual mismatches, by being on Reddit!
I highly recommend having him discuss it with a psych that he feels comfortable with. This is a very common side effect with antidepressants, and there are other meds you can take that can counteract some of those effects. Have him ask his psych if there’s a way to address that particular side effect. And if the psych says no, try another psych!
Same for the antidepressants I take, it lowers my sex drive to literal absolute zero.