The current situation I find myself in is a result of my own actions, and I need to express my frustrations while also gaining insights from others. For the past 2.5 years, I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend, and everything was going smoothly until a few months ago. She had just returned from a month-long vacation and expressed her desire to spend more time alone. I understood and supported her need for personal space, without any feelings of anger or sadness. However, it was strange to see that she became even more clingy after expressing her desire for independence, which confused me.
Initially, things went well, but over time, she started making me feel guilty about being busy with my studies, professional career, and wanting to spend time with my own family. I realized that I hadn’t seen my closest friends in months and had lost touch with their lives. Any free time I had, I devoted it to my girlfriend, neglecting my own needs. I hadn’t taken a moment to think about myself in months, constantly caught in the never-ending cycle of life, with little time for personal reflection. I couldn’t find time to relax in bed and read a book or simply contemplate the events of my day, as my relationship demanded an unhealthy amount of my time.
It struck me when I recalled the last vacation I took with my family, where I spent a significant amount of time texting my girlfriend because I love her so much. Now, I realize I should have been more reasonable and it’s causing bitterness within me. Moreover, upon deeper reflection, I see that it wasn’t just during my vacation that I dedicated all my time (and even money) to her—it was practically every day. Even my financial situation has been significantly impacted by this relationship.
I feel like I unknowingly started digging a hole at the beginning of our relationship, and now I’m realizing how deep that hole has become as my life outside of the relationship continues to evolve, leaving me unable to keep up.
In the short term it all seemed fine and innocent, but now that I can look at it from a long term perspective….
TL;DR: I’m in a situation where I’ve neglected my own needs and relationships outside of my girlfriend. Initially understanding her desire for personal space, I ended up devoting all my time and energy to our relationship. Now, as my life progresses, I feel bitter about the hole I’ve dug myself into and the negative impact it has had on various aspects of my life.
4 comments
First off, how long have you been with your gf?
To me it seems like your girlfriend is playing the classic “I’m doing to you like you’re doing to me”. Are you bothered by the need for personal space from your gf?
How much time do you think is too much time with your gf?
Are you just venting or are you looking for advice?
If you are looking for advice, what exactly is your question?
So, you’ve come to realise that time is a bit of a precious commodity, eh? All yours has been channeled towards making your girlfriend happy and everything else has been neglected, but since you’ve refocused on the things which you’d been neglecting, you have noticed how much joy they can bring you too. And you’re wondering maybe how to keep this up as well as maintaining the relationship with your girlfriend who has become more clingy since her own declaration of her need for space. Right? Phew.
So, yeah, you can’t. All you can do is not try to cram everything in at once. There’s only seven days in a week. See your friends every week or two, same with your family. Juggle things so that you’re seeing everyone you want to. Keep a date night free for your gf and a day out doing stuff too. Keep plenty of quality time for yourself and make sure everyone knows that this time of yours doesn’t mean you’re not busy, it’s just you’re busy practicing self care and that it’s become important to you. Welcome to being an adult. It sucks and we let people down all the time, but they won’t think any less of you if you’re honest with them and still find time to make the effort
You gotta now balance time- talk to your gf about boundaries and how it’s unhealthy to spend all of your time together. You both need to have your own lives. You’ve already realized it, now you must talk about it. If your gf is doing contradictory behavior like that maybe she’s dealing with anxiety or fear of you leaving since she needs space. But again, that’s why the convo is needed cuz i can’t say for sure