I (39F) am dealing with jealousy for the first time in my 13 year marriage and I’d like some advice. My husband (48M) and I met in 2009 when I was 24 and he was 32. I was a brand new attorney and he was a park ranger. We had a whirlwind romance and dated for 6 months before getting married. He has been my rock and my best friend and I have been the same to him. I love him more than anyone else and I know he loves me the same.
I am turning 40 this year and had been obese my entire life, so last year I decided to prioritize my health. Over the past 14 months, I have lost 65lbs. I am more conventionally attractive now and I am receiving a lot of attention from men, which is making me both more confident and uncomfortable. I talked to my husband and told him that I don’t know how to respond or act when men who have been friends, clients, or acquaintances of mine for years suddenly comment on my appearance. He told me that I cannot control the actions of others, I can only control my own actions. I asked him if I should do anything differently than how I always act, and he told me no – just do what I always do.
I have a considerable number of friends in the community and an expansive network of professionals. It is not unusual for me to have dinner alone with male business owners or local politicians or doctors. I do a lot of volunteer work for the community and am often coordinating projects with others. This was never an issue when I was heavier, but now it is becoming a problem. Men who have seen me as a sex-less friend/lawyer are now seeing me as attractive and flirting with me.
For example, I was at a planning meeting for a charity event and a local politician walked me to my car (during the day) and then tried to kiss me. It was very awkward. Two weeks ago, our kids’ doctor invited me out to go sailing all day with him on his boat. We are on a planning committee together at the local university, so we are also friends. I asked my husband if it was alright with him if I went, and he said sure and told me that I don’t have to ask his permission to do things. So I went, and during the sailing trip the doctor told me that I was the “loveliest woman” he’s ever met and asked me (unprovoked) if I was really happy in my marriage.
I told my husband about all this and he is having a very hard time now struggling with feelings of jealousy. This has never been an issue for us, but it is now at the forefront of every discussion we have.
How can I reassure my husband that I can handle myself in these situations? I don’t want him to feel this way.
35 comments
Stop going on sailing trips alone with interested men
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Maybe if someone asks you to go somewhere, reply with “Oh ya! My husband and I would love to join you!”
If they back off it’s because they’re interested in you and don’t want your husband to join or they’ll accept you and your husband.
You could call collegues out on their bullshit about being flirty ever since you lost weight to get them off your back.
Or if you aren’t confrontational, if someone is giving you compliments, smile and walk away? I’m not 100% sure what scenarios work for you.
Edit: I don’t think you should have gone on the boat trip with the guy. Your husband is right to feel that way. You could just reassure him that you won’t do anything like that again without having a thorough conversation. Because he did technically agree to you going but he didn’t like what came out of it. And I know you said you want to handle it yourself.
Unless you are already friends with these people and had been for a long time, do not accept invitations to dinner/sailing/outings etc if done outside of a professional meeting
Look, I get it, you’ve been invisible so long you don’t understand when someone is interested in more than business. My wife is somewhat the same way, she genuinely thinks all men are just being “nice”.
If you’re on a business dinner, anything discussed outside of business should put you on alert.
Don’t overreact, but if they ask about marriage, kids etc… your only response is, “It’s great, I have an amazing husband and beautiful children.”
If they invite you somewhere like sailing and you “think” it’s business related, ask if your husband is invited or just simply reply “I’ll have to ask my husband if he’s available on that day”.
That lets them know you’re not available for anything outside of business. You need boundaries, which can be difficult to articulate so that true business relationships aren’t affected negatively.
It’s going to take a little time, but you should in the meantime assume most men want more than what you’re willing to offer.
When I tell people that I am desexualized as a fat woman, this is exactly what I mean. I have been both thin and fat. The exact same behavior that is merely nice when I am fat is flirty when I am not is *from the same person.* But, when you are fat, that behavior is never expected to be read as flirty 🙄
How about stop bragging to him about how you get excessive attention now? I feel like that’s the issue. I get that you are experiencing new change in your life and it’s going to take some adjustment. But I don’t think your husband is someone you need to be discussing about that. Especially because he’s a guy and more than likely doesn’t get the sexism that flows to women.
To him, he may be seeing you brag about how these other men treat you now, and he may be seeing that as your newfound weight loss is making you want other people or it’s insinuating you aren’t getting the right attention from him.
Also maybe going out on boats with men who are trying to hit on you is also giving your husband the impression he’s being left behind.
Bro I am blown away. You say most of these people are people you’ve known for years and some of them you are friends with… their behaviour is fucking gross.
I liked the one commenters approach of saying you and your husband would love to do xyz in response to invitations. Then if your husband can’t go just politely decline invites at this point.
This whole situation just sounds incredibly upsetting for you, I’m sorry you’re having to deal with it!
You should not accept such invitations.
I would strongly suggest you shut these advances down hard when they happen and also tell your husband when they do, that that you shut them down because you respect your marriage and love only him.
As someone who lost a significant amount of weight from being ugly altogether to fitting the beauty standard, I can tell you the shift is rather shocking and difficult to navigate
My rule of thumb is if it’ll make my very reasonable husband uncomfortable, I just don’t do it. All you can do is reassure your husband and just learn from this experience
Learn to recognize the difference between a safe invitation from a man and a not safe one. A sailing trip alone…very few men, if any, would invite a woman on A trip like that without ulterior motives. I wish that weren’t true, but it really is. I’d at the very least want a WELL established brother/sister type of relationship before I even considered it with another man and even then…why just us? Why not invite more people? More is more fun. There needs to be a really practical reason to be alone and it needs to be a man who’s proven himself above board and you need to have a plan to bail the second things get weird, just in case for it to be remotely a good idea. A ship in the middle of water with a guy you have a business relationship with is none of these things.
1st) it was wrong of him to let his wife go alone on dates with other men. thats freaking crazy in my opinion.
2nd) you need to see the new reality your in. if your attracting men then you need to learn to set boundaries. start by never going out with men without coworkers. friends or your husband. zoom is a good option
Stop hanging out with other men doing exciting things. It’s that simple.
Since you’re new to having men be attracted to you, you’re not picking up on obvious signs…..
If a man asks you to hang out without your husband, you don’t go. Pretty simple.
Same thing happened to me, male 6’2”. Was 300, worked out, got buff and down to 210, at 38. I’m with my high school sweetheart, she’s all I know. Due to my line of work I never wore my wedding ring. All of a sudden women are interacting with me in ways I wasn’t used to. I started wearing my ring and that’s helped. A peice of advice, you know he loves you for who you are, he’s proven that. Reassure him of that and let him reap the rewards. P.S don’t get lazy with your eating/workout routine, it comes back faster than you’d think 😂
A local politician tried to KISS you? Super creepy and inappropriate. And your KID’S DOCTOR took you out… sailing? This is really odd. And inappropriate. It is true you can’t control other people, but you can control your response.
You’ve gotta learn how to be more selective with who you spend alone time with
Men will (unfortunately) oftentimes see this as a green light
If you don’t *have* to go, then don’t.
If want to go, you know the person, but their intentions aren’t crystal clear, then simply ask beforehand “hey before we go to xyz, is this invite platonic? I’m happy in my marriage and just don’t want to give the wrong impression. But I’m happy to be friends”.
My husband puts a lot of trust in me and I’ve been to networking dinners with men and leave him with the kids to go on girls trips to Vegas and stuff. I’ll meet dudes at the clubs or pools and some will offer to buy me a drink and I’m very good at being like “hey I’m happily married, so don’t waste your money on me, I’m just having a good time and hanging out”
I gained a ton of weight after my 4 year old. I lost 100lbs and got a mommy makeover. My husband had moments of insecurity after that. More sex and dressing more provocatively for him helped. Lol! He was acting like I was going to find a new man with my new body but I tell him and show him more now. I also wouldn’t go out on a boat with another man without him.
I am 36 and recently lost 65lbs as well. I get it, I really do. Even at the shape I am now, I assume people view me like they always have and had a hard time with the same things you are.
I agree with what others have recommended, about being sure to keep things professional and say “I’ll have to see if my husband is available that day”.
I think it’s great that you are being open and honest with your husband, and that he has been supportive of the changes you’ve made for yourself. Keep the line of communication open between you two and you’ll be able to get through this. Assume these men are looking at you like you’re hot, because you are! Own it! The hotness may have been hidden my some extra weight and baggier clothes, but it’s always been there.
Lmao uuuhhh
Why exactly did you think your doctor “friend” wanted to go sailing with you all day?
Either you’re completely naive or unbelievably duplicitous and want to be courted by other men while pacifying your husband at the same time.
Like, seriously: what the hell were you thinking? You’re a married woman. Going on solo sailing trips with other men is completely inappropriate and you know it. Stop the cap and have some respect for your husband
Just wanted to say congrats on the weight loss , I’m trying and it’s hard af
Stop over sharing. Some things you do not have to bring up to your husband. You bring them up because it’s new to you and you’d like to share your experiences, but it’s not healthy to mention to your partner every person who attempt to flirt or hook up with you.
You are not responsible for the behavior of these men toward you, and you are not responsible for your husband’s feelings. You are responsible for what you “present”–not, in this context, meaning your physical appearance, but meaning how you treat people, your behavior, your emotions. You can tell your husband he either trusts you or he doesn’t, and if he thought you were only with him because you were too fat to do better, that’s not true, but also not at all okay.
It is very nice and strange at the same time how the world changes around you when you change.
Had a friend go through something like this so this are second/third hand suggestions.
Now that you realize your new found superpowers…you do need to change a little in how you used to act.
My friend received a suggestion to view the ‘interaction’ from 1,000 feet away. If you can’t hear what’s going on and do not know the ‘relationship’ between (her and the ‘man’/’woman’) — then, if it looks like a date of any sort, change the situation.
She did this by no longer having one on one outings of any sort…unfortunately even very long time friends/clients due to how some of ‘them’ changed too.
Phone calls/text messaging went from a generally friendly/funny vibe to a bit more business like and direct.
In general, she took extra care to never be in a comprising situation, even if it was perception only.
Have fun and enjoy.
First, congrats on losing weight! You prioritizing your health is no reason men should be sexually harassing you all of a sudden. You’re an attorney, why don’t you see it for what it is? If you’re not encouraging this, I think it’s pretty black and white these are shit people.
You’ve done nothing wrong. They are just pigs. I’d make sure your meetings are recorded and you Always have someone who knows where you are and with who. It’s insane that this is what women have to resort to, but it sounds like you need to take measures to physically protect yourself. Just in case.
I’m glad your husband has your back. That is lovely. Reassure him he has no reason to be jealous. I would absolutely hate if the way these vile people are acting to change your goals for your body. You should be safe and comfortable in your environment in your body.
In my experience, when someone loses a lot of weight it can change them. A lot of changes in their relationships with others. It might be “friends” becoming rude and catty about your weight loss, or like your case where you are suddenly having sexual advances on you from people you’ve known and trusted.
When you’re getting weight loss surgery there is usually a unit covering this. They encourage you to seek therapy to help you through maybe some counseling with your spouse as all this can make huge changes in your relationship, such as this jealousy your husband is feeling.
You guys do this together and you got this. Take care of yourself and stay awesome.
1. Stop putting yourself in positions for this to happen.
2. Stop telling your husband every time someone looks at you!!!
Yes, it’s new to you, but these are typically things you just appreciate the flattery and keep to yourself.
How would you feel if your husband came home every day telling you about every woman who gave him an eye all day? Not good! Apologize to him for putting him in this position, and then do better about ensuring your not literally going on dates with people.
If it feels weird or inappropriate, it is.
The men who have been hitting on a married woman are in the wrong and the politician trying to steal a kiss is typical, but wrong—that is harassment. One should not cross professional boundaries, especially without consent.
It seems your hubby has been very supportive and can do with some good sense on your part turning down invitations or making things more daytime friendly and less secluded—think coffee shop crowds.
It sucks—you didn’t invite this.
So I work in an environment where I have to meet frequently with folks and ask for money (philanthropy) I am very careful when dealing with male donors as I know they will often try to parlay the discussion into a tit for tat discussion.
I am married and my husband understands my role, but he really does not want to hear about all the men I have to turn down, as it makes him insecure. I handle it by just not telling him. I know many will say this is not the way- but what can my husband really do about the issue? Why make him go through the angst of hearing about how many dudes I had to shake off in the interest of raising money.
I know I am deeply in love with my husband but if every day he had to hear about the impact of men hitting on me, he would be sad and could not help but think about why I was constantly telling him. How would you feel if the situations were reversed?
I really don’t understand when women say this. My wife is fit and imo smoking hot. I’m sure men flirt with her, but as far as I know and see, she’s never been even close to a situation like you are describing.
In short, you are putting yourself in these situations. Or you are at least flirting back. Not many men would ask an obviously taken women on a date, or randomly try and kiss them…I mean, come on.
Congrats on the weight loss! That is huge and don’t let this negativity let you backslide.
Enjoy the compliments and see how you can excel airy a little more attention,
I really want to have this experience after my ex told me many times about people hitting on him.
Way too many mean spirited responses, but overall it comes from men that know they would obviously behave like that with attractive women.
OP I hope you don’t feel very bad about the reality of being conventionally attractive. It has it’s benefits and it has it’s cons.
Know that for many many men (and women as well) you are now a target. 1 on 1 events are now bonding opportunities that are most likely going to be where they will be trying to persuade and seduce you.
Be aware of this and keep in mind the kind of events you are invited to. If it’s an invitation to a place where they are trying to show off property (high end apartment, boat, club) it’s likely they are trying to show you how rich or reliable they are.
Be aware of isolated places as well, the boat has historically been one of the favorite places for men to take “targets” on because you can push to get them drunk or relaxed and there’s literally nowhere they could run to.
If you are invited to public access places outright ask if your husband can come (even if he wouldn’t) and gauge their response. Even in open public spaces with other people they might try and separate you from the pack and chat you up alone.
Basically if you end up alone with someone now that you are perceived as hot it’s probably gonna be about getting in your pants, and that’s annoying as fuck.
Commentary from an Ugly Duckling.
I am sorry this is happening to you. There are some new rules to learn, but I would like to point out that it isn’t your fault these men are acting so disrespectfully and inappropriately towards you. These men are adults and are responsible for their own behavior. Shame on them. Yes, you may have to act differently and be more aware, but you aren’t the villain in this. I don’t think you did anything wrong by going sailing with a friend, especially since you checked to make sure your husband was comfortable with it beforehand. I would not go sailing alone with a man again, but it isn’t your fault that it is a bad idea.
Some comments are claiming you must be flirting back, but I have found that certain men don’t need any kind of encouragement other than the fact that you are attractive and speaking to them to behave in this way. It’s gross, it’s not your fault, but the mantle usually falls on us to try and avoid it as much as we can.
When you say you are dealing with jealousy for the first time, is it directed towards you or towards men? Is he being distrustful of you? What has he said and have you asked him what would make him more comfortable? I’m not necessarily saying do whatever makes him comfortable, as jealously can be a very irrational emotion, but it is important to know how he is feeling.
I would limit one-on-one contact with men as much as possible. It’s sad that this is necessary, but it definitely reduces the chances of lines being crossed. Unfortunately, many women have already learned this the hard way, so some men may think you wouldn’t BE alone with them unless you were interested. They just conveniently forgot that you had been alone with them previously when they weren’t guided by their loins.
If you are invited out to a dinner with a coworker, try to make it a group outing, or ask if spouses can join. Dinners alone with a man can invite trouble, even if you don’t intend it at all. No man should be walking you to your car/door unless there is a concern for your safety, again, try to go in a group of its dark out. A man trying to kiss you without consent is not just uncomfortable, that is assault. A coworker or a doctor commenting on your appearance in a suggestive matter is harassment.
Be on the lookout for coworkers offering you a friendly ride home or suddenly treating you or giving you gifts. Don’t accept any gift that isn’t on your birthday or Christmas, and never accept chocolates, jewelry, flowers, or plush toys.
You need to take more care with your safety then before as well. It would be a good idea to carry a small pepper spray or personal alarm on your keychain. I could write a whole post in how to be mindful and keep yourself safe, but this is already super long.
As for your spouse, just continue to love him and make it clear he is the only one in your eyes and heart. Go on some sexy dates, dress up at home just for him.
Congratulations on getting healthier. It can be an adjustment in some unexpected ways. Please don’t feel responsible for others’ bad behavior. There is no shame in being a beautiful woman, which you always have been. Just because people are catching on and beings dipwits about it doesn’t make their behavior your responsibility.
My career also put me in situations where I was regularly alone with male colleagues. And as an attractive women I was propositioned quite frequently. Even though my husband is not the jealous type, it still made him uncomfortable hearing about these advances. I learned to A) be upfront and clear with my colleagues that I was not on the market, and B) keep any advances to myself. My sweet husband didn’t deserve the stress of hearing about other men hitting on his wife. Once I stopped sharing those awkward stories with him we were both a lot happier. I am not sure if this would help your situation, but it might be worth a try. While communication is the key to a good relationship, over sharing can also be problematic.
Why would you entertain a man who was flirting with you by going on a private boat trip? It’s no wonder why he asked if you were happy in your marriage.