Okay so I will try to keep this short
My (24F) ex (24M) is from my friend circle. YES! I made the mistake of dating a friend. He was never a close friend and we barely spoke even when hanging around with others. (So it wasn’t awkward to date him)
It was just a 6 month relationship. He broke up with me.
The reason was our LDR (I was away working for 3 months out of the 6). He said it was too hard, he couldn’t do it (I was planning to be away for years but change of plans and I got back home).
Now the reason he gave me was the distance. But I later got to know that boy was talking to his ex almost daily for the last two months of our relationship. And he even met her a week after our break up. When I got back (3 months after the break up) I tried confronting him to get closure. I felt hurt and used.
He never showed any guilt. Nor was he genuinely apologetic about what he did. He did apologize.. but that felt like it was forced upon him with all my confrontations.
I know I cannot expect someone to feel guilty for their actions. It’s been 3 months since and I have moved on from him but choose to keep people who did me wrong away.
What I usually do with my “bad” exes is to cut them off completely from my life.
The pickle here is that he is in my friend group. We all have been friends since school and keep hanging out every now and then. So if I cut him off it’s either me or him in the group plans.
I thought about the situation and even pondered whether I should keep him as an exception in this whole cutting off thing.
One part of me felt like it was okay since I’ve moved on.
But everytime I think of meeting him again as a friend it makes me feel like I am giving in my power to him. Like I am still willing to be around him after what he did to me. I don’t know what this is, I have never felt this before. But basically it makes me feel like I will lose and he will win. (sounds damn silly).
Can anyone tell me why is it that I might be feeling this way? And should I get over it or keep him away?
I’ve been struggling with this so much, thanks much if you read the whole thing and commented <3
Tl;dr: I don’t want to meet my ex anymore but can’t avoid him as he is in my friend circle.
4 comments
You can’t force your friends to choose between you or him — you have to decide to just accept that he’s your ex, he knows people that you know, that’s that. Yes, what he did is shitty and it sounds like he doesn’t have remorse over what happened but the truth is that sometimes, we just aren’t entitled to closure. We will not get it. Acceptance of what is right in front of you and moving forward will be the only real way to proceed. If you don’t wanna see him anymore, start making some new friends.
I think you’re still holding on to resentment and that’s why you don’t want to “give” him anything. It’s understandable, he was a jerk. I think it’s common to want to “win” at a breakup. Be over it the quickest, get a new better partner, work out and have a glow up, you know :p
I don’t think it’s realistic to expect the friendship group to stay the same if you do that though. People will pick sides, things will shift. I definitely have an ex that I left a friend group for because it was THAT bad and I never wanted to see him again. A couple of friends came with me and I’m still friends with, but most I’m not friends with anymore. That was a necessary decision for me back then.
You could also choose to try and work past it though. You don’t have to be nice to him or talk to him much, just politeness. This works best if you actually forgive him though. It might take some time, it might work better if you have a new partner and you truly don’t care about winning or losing anymore.
You’re giving him too much power and credit by putting this much thought into him. He’s not trustworthy or honest, so what are you missing out on? Nothing. It’s normal not to want to be buddy buddy with him, but this whole cutting him off to prove you win thing is immature. The reality is he won’t care if you cut him off or not because he doesn’t care about you. Give it time but that’s eventually where you want to be with all this, unbothered.
He wasn’t a close friend and you barely spoke prior to dating, so go back to that dynamic.
I wouldn’t actively snub him, say hi to the group when you get there, and say bye to the group as you leave.
If you’re thinking of it as a win/ lose, then you would lose if you cut off the friend group. He will think he won just because he would look at it as “ she cared so much and can’t get over me so she can’t be around me”.
Don’t give him that.
But def come to terms with him and the breakup or you’re setting yourself up for misery when he starts to date and bring her around.