My girlfriend and I have been dating about 8 months. We have talked about past relationships a bit but not extensively. A few nights ago, I’m not sure how but we were on the subject and I ended up on Facebook showing a few pictures of the girls I have been with.
In the second half of high school, I spent 1.5 years dating a girl, we’ll call her Girl 1. Girl 1 was a tad bulkier, not obese, not fat, just slightly larger. I am a pretty standard build and average weight for a guy. Her being a bit bigger than me was not remotely an issue, I thought she was beautiful and we had a strong connection and relationship. We never had true sex and didn’t get extremely far in that department because we were both beginners. We broke up a bit before graduating. She has lost a lot of weight in her modern pictures and is now average-ish, but there are still pictures deep in her profile with me from back then.
My sophomore year of college, I had a FWB/series of hookups over a few months with Girl 2, who was a bit more overweight than Girl 1 but still not too much. We were in the same friend group and got drunk and hooked up one night, then kept that going for a few months. She was not what I would consider relationship material for myself, not because of her size, but she just had a different personality and lifestyle that fit more into a friend status, plus she was two years older than me. That ended when she graduated. She looks the same in her pictures.
Girl 3 was a random two-time hookup also in my sophomore year of college. Didn’t go anywhere so I wouldn’t really even call her an ex or anything. She was not overweight at the time but has since gained a fair amount. I’m not trying to fat shame or anything.
There have been a few other ladies I have dated/been with before my current GF that are generally standard and would not be considered overweight or anything. There was nothing sexually attractive about being with these 3 girls who were specifically larger than me; it just was what it was. I never felt embarrassed to be with them either, I thought they were all great and I got what I was looking for at the time from being with them.
While my GF and I were casually browsing these pictures of the girls, she didn’t say too much, but after we were done, she started making a few comments about me liking fat girls and all that. I said it wasn’t about that and that was kind of mean of her to say. She dropped it then but has since made a few other comments. For example, the other night I recommended something for dinner that wasn’t super healthy and she asked if I was trying to fatten her up and if I would like her better like that. She is average sized but has in the past expressed concerns about her own weight, so I’m not sure if she’s just being insecure and is worried that I only like her because she’s fat (she’s not though), or if she’s trying to like kink shame me (even though it wasn’t about that) or what. I have never felt bad about being with these girls in the past but now am feeling embarrassed like I was doing something wrong, creating an uncomfortable situation. What can I do here to either alleviate her concerns about her own weight or get her to not make hurtful comments about the people I have been with in the past?
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**tl;dr**: 3 of the girls I have been with in the past were or are now overweight, current GF is making comments about it.
43 comments
This is her problem, not yours. I’m a petite woman and, even for me, what I’m reading from this is that you aren’t superficial and you like a person for who they are and not their weight. That’s commendable. The fact that this is making her so insecure says a lot more about her than it does about you. You need to get real with her and tell her— look I don’t want to be judged for liking a person for who they are regardless of their body size. Your gf is coming off as super insecure here.
I admit I didn’t bother reading most of it because it seem like your post follows the same pattern. Rule of thumb is never show your partner your exes. Otherwise they will start comparing and getting insecure about it. She sounds passive agressive about it. I would sit her down and have a straight forward talk. It’s clear she’s worried now that she is not your type. Figure out how to explain to her that people can be attracted to many kinds of people. The rest of it is for her to work on her insecurities and you want her to stop making passive agressive remarks and bring up what is bothering her next time.
People come in all shapes and sizes… there’s no shame in liking people for looking a certain way or just liking people for who they are. Your gf sounds jealous and immature, or she’s at least acting that way.
I don’t think it needs to be an issue. If you see a future with this woman you definitely need to shut this down and express to her that her comments are making you uncomfortable, these people are part of your past and not something she needs to worry about.
This sounds like she has a problem with her weight and is mostly trying to find a way to point out that she’s definitely smaller than them . So she’s doing it in a weird “negging” kind of way just in case you do have a thing for bigger women and now she thinks she’s n that category.
Talk to her, this is definitely a her issue
Insecurity can lead people to saying ugly or mean things. It’s hard to say where it’s coming from; it could be the insecurity, or it could just be that she’s trying to be funny (fat people are often the butt of the joke, to point where it’s like not even a punchline just a vague reference to weight or ‘chubby chasing’ is considered ‘funny’ by some people). I’m really not certain without context which it is. The fact that she dropped it the first time and that you pointed out that it was mean is kind of promising. It at least shows a certain level of awareness that she didn’t argue with you about it, and it’s good of you to be able to point that out to her.
I think you should just try to point out how there’s nothing wrong with being fat or average or skinny, that someone’s health is more important than their waist to hip ration, and that other people’s health is not really any of your business. Just try to gently intervene from a place of first principles, rather than engaging with just this specific thing with your exes. That specific avenue kind of seems kind of lose-lose; you’ll either confirm her opinions by defending them, or make it seem like you don’t care by not.
I’m glad that you see the person , not the size 😎
She’s being ridiculous and mean, she sounds pretty immature
It sounds like she’s letting her insecurities/possibly jealousy get the best of her.
Or maybe she’s the type that looks at your past history as emblematic of your current relationship’s worth, like she’d feel hotter if all you had dated was super hot women, idk.
Perhaps in her eyes, it diminishes your value by having been with “unfit” women. Or maybe she’s just worried you don’t think she’s beautiful.
You SHOULDN’T feel bad. She does sound insecure. I would sit her down and explain to her why you don’t like these comments and to please not make them anymore. If she does, I’d honestly break up with her.
Why were you guys browsing pictures of them? That doesn’t sound healthy
Many of us fellas prefer some curves on our ladies….perhaps she’s insecure because she thinks you have a type and she ain’t it.
This is definitely an insecurity of hers that’s coming through in a passive-aggressive way. It’s like she’s looking for a response from you that she doesn’t want to hear but will justify her own feelings. It seems like you’re handling it well but definitely let her know it’s making you uncomfortable.
She’s the superficial and judgemental one here, what do you find attractive about her op ?
She is insecure and immature, which is not a good combination for anyone.
I’m not sure why you went through pics of other girls to show your girlfriend, but this sounds like her attempt to see how she measures up in your mind to these other women. Given her approach and your mention of her insecurity about her weight, I suspect she thinks she is your “type” which is a more sturdy lady. She wants confirmation that she is not like them (cause she, at least, doesn’t think she is), and you are attracted to her (more than them).
Your current gf sounds means and rude. She’s young too…chances aren’t exactly *slim* that she won’t end up gaining weight as she ages then she’ll be another “fat girl” you dated. Why tf doesn’t she even care? Are all her formers total models or something? Doubt. Sounds like she’s negging you….or trying to make herself look better by comparison, but it’s actually back firing because this is just making her look ugly.
I think she is worried she isn’t your type physically. It’s made her feel insecure.
If all the girls were more thin than her she’d be saying the opposite- that she’s not skinny enough for you. You should tell her what you told us here. The only way to grow in relationships and to have a fulfilling, long term companion is to figure out how to communicate uncomfortable feelings to each other.
It’s totally okay to be insecure sometimes. We’re just human beings. But if she is genuinely accusing you of things like “trying to fatten her up” and shaming you for past relationships then that isn’t fair and it’s not the behavior you should tolerate from someone who is supposed to love you. Perhaps there is something deeper going on inside her that is making her so insecure but that is her responsibility to be honest about that.
You need to calmly say something like, “you are making me feel uncomfortable with this behavior and I would like for it to stop. If there’s been something on your mind lately that is making you doubt my feelings for you, my intentions or my attraction for you then I’d rather we just talk about that openly and honestly and in a non-judgmental way.”
Set boundaries! It’s the only way to have a happy and healthy relationship. If you’re with someone you feel doesn’t care about your boundaries you will be miserable all your life.
Out of curiosity, how did you two come across the subject of you showing her your ex-lovers pictures? You seem like a kind conscious guy with good intentions, but sometimes showing your current lover pictures of your exlover is never a winning situation.
I used to do this to my ex and it was because I was actually horribly insecure and hated my body despite being a small size. I was just jealous and wanted him to be like “yeah they were fat and you’re not”. I have grown up now thank goodness
I mean, you’re an average dude and it sounds like these were average women. If you’re like anywhere in the developed world, hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the average person IS fat. There needs to be a touch of self awareness and realize not everyone ends up with or IS a super model. And there’s nothing wrong with being a bigger person or dating a bigger person. Frankly, I would take more issue with a person who is average and demands all of his partners to be much skinnier. I would probably just show her the statistic that the average woman in the US is a size 16, or an XL and explain that it’s not a kink and it’s not a preference, it’s just statistically going to be what someone who is more average will end up with and there’s nothing wrong with it and you don’t see her as fat, don’t want her to be fatter (or skinnier) and you see her as way more than a number on a scale.
She’s comparing herself to your parts partners. It’s similarly to when a women finds out all your exes are blonde and blue eyed and she’s brunette and brown eyed. She’s questioning if you’re even attracted to her because she believes she isn’t your “type”
My ex wife was very skinny and fit when we met, she then, like a lot of people, gained weight while we were dating. Noticeably gained weight. We got married got divorced. My girlfriend made a number of insulting comments directed at me for marrying a “fat chick.” Anyway I had enough told her to drop it. I can tell you I’m prettttty sure it was because she’s insecure about gaining a little weight over the last few years.
While we’ve moved on from that subject it does stick Iin my mind. Besides the fact there is zero reason to insult the physical appearance of anyone, it has always stuck with me juuuuust a bit that someone can be so ruthless to a person they know nothing about.
She is dealing with insecurities and has got it into your head that you have a “type.”
• went through photos of your exes
• has already mentioned being insecure about herself
• now makes disparaging comments about how your exes look
your gf is dealing with some major issues of her own, and she’s likely got some Mean Girl™️ syndrome lowkey
I think your girlfriend is experiencing some retroactive jealousy, chances are she may feel like she’s not your “type” women are competitive and territorial, so she may be feeling jealous so she’s making it sound like your previous partners are “overweight” to make herself feel better
Why were you showing her the pictures though? Nothing good could from from that, especially if there’s a pattern she doesn’t fit. Either she’s just being a mean girl, or (more likely) she’s feeling insecure and is handling it by being catty. It’s still not right by any means and you should communicate that, but showing her pictures of all the girls you’ve been with is such a weird choice that I can’t wrap my head around. Also I’d feel weird being one of the girls whose pictures you’re showing. You’re just setting them up to be judged or berated.
100% insecurity. If you’d dated a bunch of skinny women she’d probably be cracking jokes about how you must want her to lose weight.
real chance she is just fucking around with a slight tinge of insecurity. I’d just reassure her.
Well mistake.#1 was showing ur new chick ur old chicks. How did you think that was gonna go and would you like to see all the dudes she has dated??? Seems like you like agony cause that is the last things I would ever do is show my new chick my old chicks. Eitherway it’s going to end badly🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Even if they were hotter than her than u have the oh im not good looking enough scenario….. FOOL🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Your girlfriend is insecure and thinks you like bigger girls therefore don’t find her attractive.
Stop browsing pics of your exes with your current. Bad idea.
It’s weird as fuck that you went scrolling though Facebook to show her – not just your meaningful longterm ex’s – but images of all your one night stands and FwBs?
Like – what was the point of that??
I get everyone has a history, and it would be one thing show her your past love.
But every girl you’ve fucked I’d fucking weird.
What was the purpose!!!??
I can’t see how going through galleries 2D images of every girl you’ve been intimate with, where only their physical looks is all you can show off, had any purpose other than to make her feel some kinda way? Boot your ego? Make her jelousy? What was the purpose!!?
You can chat about past intimacies without being out photogalleries and sharing their FB pages! This seems completely weird and designed to make her see your conquests. Focusing on photos likely has made her think omg – am I not his type.
That’s okay. Just chat about it. Without a Facebook visual gallery.
Why were you both looking at pictures of your exes in the first place? The past is the past.. looking up these kind of things is like asking for trouble imo
This might not be the case but, in my experience with my current bf, I realized he had a “type” because of the porn he watches, the girls he told me to find attractive and so on. Which are big women.
For me it became an insecurity too because I am not looking like those girls at all. So I cannot help but wonder if OP’s gf has seen something like this and that is why she is reacting that way. I could advise to talk about it and make clear that OP has feelings for her and wants to date her not only cause of physical appearance.
Sitting down with your girlfriend to go through photos of women you’d had sex with sounds like an activity designed to make her compare herself to them – which is exactly what happened. Why did you do that?
I dont think it was necessary to get in details over all the girls you dated in the past, to your girlfriend!
I would never talk about the girls I dated in the past, specially not to the new person I’m dating! Now things are too awkward, I don’t really know how you’re supposed to make this better!
Ah…. She’s feeling insecure.
May I ask why you showed her all your exes? Did she ask you to?
Two easy steps
Step one: stop showing your girlfriend photos of past hookups and exes
Step two: proceed happily
“yes i like fat women like you”
Some women are dumb as hell!
I personally would be so happy to see that my prtner has loved fat and skinny girls. Especially as someone whose weight fluctuates. Because this suggests that I won’t have to worry about him not finding me attractive/leaving me because of my weight.
And then you have this one 😒
She’s letting you see who she really is, and I htink you should believe her.
If in your own morality you don’t think it’s right to be a body-shaming proto-bully who seems to care more about physical appearance rather than seeing in a good light that you (At your age) were able to connect with past partners on a deeper level and find them attractive for other reasons than their bodies, then there’s your answer, and I expect more occurences like these will end up turning you off to this woman.
Gf comes off a bit fat-phobic, tbh. It’s as if their body size is all she can see and they had no other qualities or personality other than being fat. Like, you must have a thing for large girls because those girls couldn’t possibly have any other redeeming qualities or just be gorgeous at whatever size they are?
Kinda eeewwww.