Posted this in the women’s sub, and someone commented I might want to think about asking for the male perspective, so here goes:
I’ll be 31 next month. I’ve been with my current boyfriend (34 next month) for going on 4 years (anniversary is in August). We’ve been living together for about a year and a half. No kids, and neither of us has been married before. He is well aware that I would like to get married and have a family, but there still appears to be no proposal in sight.
I am constantly waffling between frustration, hope (delusion??), and ambivalence. Sometimes, I think marriage and motherhood is a raw deal that I am better off avoiding, that perhaps it would be best to maintain my current freedom and flexibility. Other times, I find myself overcome with grief and anger at the thought that I may never be a wife and/or mother. Sometimes, I wonder if I only want to be a wife and mother because of external cultural influences (brainwashing??) or a merely egoistic and perhaps misplaced desire to be definitively “chosen” and worthy of an eternal commitment. Other times, I see my boyfriend cradling his cat in his arms and cooing to him, and I can’t help but lose myself in a fantasy of having a family with him and then feel shame at indulging in these thoughts when I remember that I am 31, have lived with four boyfriends and have nothing to show for it.
This ended up being more of a meandering rant than I intended, but I am curious to hear other thoughts and anecdotes on this subject.
Edit: Thank you all for the insights, advice, and sharing your personal stories with me. I’ve been on a rollercoaster of emotion reading through all the comments.
A lot of you have suggested being the one to propose myself. However, I’m not sure what proposing to someone who is not ready to be engaged would accomplish. One, even if I am somewhat ashamed to admit it, I do want that fairytale moment of being on the receiving end of a proposal. Two, if he is currently saying, “I don’t know,” I don’t see how me formally proposing would elicit a different response from the one I am already getting. I don’t think me proposing would move the needle forward in any meaningful regard, and even if he did say yes, knowing myself, I would never feel comfortable not knowing whether or not he ever would have proposed if I hadn’t taken charge. The only possible advantage I can see is finally getting a firm, “no,” which I don’t think is necessary since I know I will need to eventually leave anyway if I continue getting a wishy washy, “I don’t know.”
At this point, I think I’d like to have at least one last summer together, but after that, all bets are off.
14 comments
4 years is enough time to get an answer from this man.
You may not like the answer but you should be able to have an open and honest conversation about your future together as a couple.
You yourself also need to be sure of what you want ; otherwise how can you be upset for your partner to not know if you yourself aren’t sure. Don’t try to force or change people- you can only control yourself.
He has no intentions of ever marrying you.
4 years of relationship with over a year of living with you and he knows that you’re interested in marriage? Yeah, it ain’t happening if he can help it.
edit: Oh, and I’m a firm believer that any answer other than an enthusiastic “YES!” is a show stopper. You do not want to be marrying someone who has to be cajoled into marrying you.
Always start with understanding yourself, then talk to your partner and make sure you two know exactly what it is that each of you want. There’s no point in delaying a breakup if you’re constantly battling negativity because you’re not married. If it turns out that he does want to get married, then propose. Either way, you should take some action. Waiting on others doesn’t produce positive results.
You deserve better sister. This dude is toying with you
It obviously is different based on culture / religion but I believe a year is enough time to get to know the person and decide if you want to marry them. That is without living together. You are already in a 4 year relationship and living together, if you are considering marriage you should be able to discuss it in a regular conversation. Especially since you say he knows you wish to get married.
Don’t put too much importance of the proposal itself, but you have every right to demand him not wasting your time if he’s not interested.
Why would he propose? He has all that marriage would give him already.
>He is well aware that I would like to get married and have a family, but there still appears to be no proposal in sight.
He may be aware of your intentions, but does he share this? Does he want to get married? Does he want to have children, and are you on the same page in terms of how many?
>Other times, I see my boyfriend cradling his cat in his arms and cooing to him
I have cats and am really affectionate with them, but I am also childfree and have absolutely zero interest in parenting. I’d steer clear of drawing any connections here.
> I remember that I am 31, have lived with four boyfriends and have **nothing to show for it.**
Wrong way to look at it. Did you enjoy the experience of living with your previous (and current) partners? Sometimes it’s OK to do things for the sake of having that experience, without it leading to some sort of specific destination. The journey matters and well, though it’s something I also have to remind myself of when considering my own long-term goals.
Anyhow, I’d say that I wouldn’t hold my breath for getting a proposal. There is a reason he is holding back. It may be something that can be resolved, or it may not be.
Are you sure he sees marriage the same way you do? I’m asking because I waited 2 years to ask my wife, we got married 2 years later, and as we are nearing the 6th year of our relationship, she decided to divorce me. To think that my wife wanted to marry me within our first year. I thought we saw marriage the same way, and turns out we didn’t. I now regret having married.
Make sure you have an open conversation with him. Because if you asked me 6 years ago, I’d be telling you to move on to someone who does want to marry you. But nowadays, I stopped seeing the point. Maybe he doesn’t see the point either : and that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. Just that he understands how quickly things can change, despite all the effort to keep the romance alive.
As a general rule, I’d recommend dating people who are at least as excited to be with you as you are to be with them.
After a four year relationship, in your thirties, while living together for over a year, a marriage proposal should really just be a formality . You should both at least feel comfortable discussing your future together. Wishy washy “I don’t know’s” indicate that he’s either got serious commitment issues or that something about the relationship isn’t working for him. Neither one makes him sound like a great partner.
>Sometimes, I think marriage and motherhood is a raw deal that I am better off avoiding, that perhaps it would be best to maintain my current freedom and flexibility.
It kinda sounds like this is your attempt to rationalize his behavior. I went through versions of this myself a while back when I had major disagreements with my partner. I’d sometimes try to rationalize away my concerns and say that I didn’t *really* need those things, but usually realized that they were deal breakers in the end. You either work through it or you move on.
Why don’t you sit down like adults and talk about it, with proper answers. Me and my partner done this and decided the money would be better spent on adventures etc and both agreed not to bother with getting married. Currently together 18 years.
I don’t know if it matters – we are not Americans. In our culture it is usually said that if you have been closely dating for a years or so and man doesn’t propose it means he doesn’t want to marry you. I don’t know if it’s absolute true but usually it works on ppl i know
Cultures and expectations on this differ. I’ve had many parents of friends, uncles and aunts who never got married or they got married with 10 year old children. With those examples being together for 4 years still would give lots of time to propose if ever, in my view.
Does your boyfriend know this is not your expectation? My now-wife had to tell me before I knew what she thought was normal.
Consider asking something like: what do you think about marriage. Clarify something like “my friends were getting proposals after 1-3 years together, and they see anything over 4 years as a reason to move on”. And “getting married first, children second”. Or perhaps more strict, offer an ultimatum that you should be engaged before X time or you should move on/propose yourself/know he’s not in it for the long term. In any case, talk and communicate clearly, is my advice.
Also make sure he knows you want the fairy tale, including a proposal from him. That doesn’t have to be the same conversation and could be a bit later.
Proposing is not a mans job.it should be a diacussion imho. The fairy tale proposing on knees thing is bad dynamics. Talk to him if he sees you as married or not.
Did he said that he wants to get married someday while dating?
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Maybe something changed his mind or he’s still not sure if he wants to do that huge commitment.
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You should talk with him and respect his opinion.