I’m currently 28 weeks pregnant. A couple of months ago my friend approached me as she had just found out she was pregnant and wasn’t sure about keeping her baby. This is due to a lot of medical and mental health conditions. I told her no matter what I will be there for her and support her through whatever she decided to do. She decided to keep her baby. Unfortunately this week she started bleeding really heavy and ended up in theatre. Despite this and a couple of blood transfusions later she sadly lost her little one at 13 weeks. She and her partner are understandably devastated and she is mentally finding it hard to cope. I’ve been checking in on her daily making sure she is alright. I just feel like i want to be there for her but I also don’t want to rub my pregnancy in her face or to trigger her as she is healing in any way shape or form but to also be there to hold her up and be there for her through this. When we talk I don’t mention myself or my baby it’s more checking in on her and her health. So far she’s been rushed back to hospital twice due to blood clotting and other complications due to this. She’s also sent me a picture of her dead fetus which kind of shocked me but I replied with sympathy and saw it as her way of grieving. How do I go about being able in time ie sharing my baby’s birth when she is born etc without hurting my friend? I don’t know how to do this without feeling like I’m going to hurt her or to remind her of her loss whilst I’m celebrating which I have no intention to.
4 comments
It is okay for you to be happy, someone else grieve doesn’t have to sour your happiness. If you worry about putting your belly in her face. Then make sure to call her a lot instead of visiting. Also don’t assume that she is upset that you are pregnant. It could very well not be the case.
Bless you what a lovely friend you are. When I lost mine my friend sent me a little self care pack (bath salts and chocolate etc) that let me know she was thinking of me without needing to say anything! It may hurt now for her but if she’s the friend you say she will be nothing but happy for you really. I needed people to carry on as normal around me – not pretending it didn’t happen but just be yourself.
Honestly if you think she could stand it mentally ask her what she is comfortable with and then you have your boundaries. Miscarriage is shite and painful and awful but honestly so many people go through it it should not be a taboo subject and the more we talk the more we will understand!
Sorry for the ramble but I hope that helps a little bit! Xx
Give her some time to grieve. No need to pour your happiness to her, but also comfort her when it’s necessary.
You have a little time to go with your pregnancy yet, so for now just carry on as you are. When it gets closer to the time – when your situation and plans are about to be all you have much time to think about – make time to have a conversation with her. Be kind but straightforward, and let her know you love her and want to share this stuff with her but you also don’t want to make her pain worse, and ask her to be honest with you how much she wants to be involved/to hear. Promise her that if the answer is she can’t face it right now and is going to need to drop to occasional messages about friendly topics and no baby talk until your little one has been here for a while, then that’s okay and you won’t hold that against her.
That said, don’t promise things you won’t be able to manage – you realistically won’t be able to hang out with her without your baby being a topic likely to come up for some years; your life is about to change. She will need to be okay with hearing about your kid eventually and if “eventually” goes on too long then your friendship will fade. You don’t need to say this to her – just be kind to her and yourself if it happens.
It might be that she truly wants to be involved even if it hurts. It might be that she wants to try than and then realises she can’t handle it and has to ask to back off again. It might be that she doesn’t think she can take it and later really wishes she hasn’t missed out. You’re both just going to have to keep communicating and adjusting as you go along. But talking about that and agreeing that’s what you’re going to do will make this easier to navigate for both of your, so when there feels like a good moment, just go for the conversation.
There is a danger that she might try to be supportive and just… not manage. If she ends up saying she wants to be involved but can’t seem to help making clumsy or sharp remarks because she’s not coping well, try to be compassionate to both her and yourself and do the best thing for your friendship by making the call for her to not involve her as much. People aren’t always self aware or realistic about how much grief and bitterness can make them act poorly. I hope you don’t have to deal with that, but if you do, it’s okay to put yourself and your baby first and let her do her grieving away from you until she can be kind.