I (M28) genuinely do not know how to move on from my ex (F27)

We dated for 1.5 years. Broke up in December. I’ve thought I have been in love before in previous relationships, but never have I ever experienced any connection like this. There’s too much detail to type here and I’m really just seeking some advice and guidance or perspective on moving on. Or encouragement, idk. It ended in a toxic manner, but the relationship was not toxic. After about 6-8 weeks after our breakup, we spoke, and both apologized for things and some miscommunications. However, at this point, her visa expired and she was back in her home country. We talked for about 3 weeks and were mending our relationship, as it seemed. I stopped talking to her right as she was opening back up (not going to get into why, but I regret it). I tried reaching back out after about a week, and never heard a response from her. I kept trying here and there and then after about a month, she responds that she does not love me anymore and I need to move on. That was basically her last words to me. Honestly, the words went right through me. I never even absorbed them. I’m still of the opinion that she did not mean it completely. Maybe now she does not love me, idk, it’s all so complicated, but at the time she said it, I don’t think she could have meant it. I know it’s cliche, but we both had a connection with each other that was rare. I’ve had a few relationships so I’m comparing with my own experience and not other’s or trying to say what we had was different than other people — it’s just different than what I had felt when I thought I loved before, and she also expressed that feeling with me many times. It was just a special connection and bond.

Anyways, I just never could cope or believe it was really over. Stupidly, I kept reaching out, to the point where I just seemed crazy and very likely just pushed her away even more. I have not heard from her at all. I know she has actually been back in the states and has not attempted to see or speak to me. No idea if she is still here. She also has zero online or social media presence. I don’t have any connections to her, really. So, I don’t know anything about her, possibly for the better, I guess.

Now, I always kind of had hope for her and I. It definitely started to dwindle as I kept pushing her away by reaching out. But hope is basically lost because as fate would have it, and this is just a crazy coincidence, but a girl I had been just on a few dates with happened to meet my ex a few weeks ago while in a group of people. My ex knowing I have been seeing someone else, and also seeing them in person, I can only imagine just put a nail in the coffin (if there weren’t enough already). So, my hope is basically lost.

There’s obviously so much more to this story and the breakup but it’s not worth typing out. No cheating, physical or any abuse, etc. But a toxic ending that could have been avoided with communication (on her end, honestly), and if I had not kept trying to reach out. Even though there has been a lot of damage, I can’t wrap my head around my life without her. I genuinely do not know how she could have gotten to where she said she does not love me, and not having any answers, is almost unbearable for me. It’s so hard for me to not know. We both always said we would love each other forever, even if we came to an end, just have some love for each other still. I meant it, and I do still love her, and honestly even though I’m very hurt by her non-responsiveness and feeling of her not caring, I can’t imagine not having love for her. I feel like I have lost the closest person I’ve ever had. She was a true best friend and lover. Even though we only knew each other for 1.5 years, I feel like I’m losing someone (or lost) that I’ve known forever. It truly feels that way.

I just don’t know how to move on. Obviously, I have been on dates, but I’ve just been left with some disappointment, and just makes me miss my ex. I met my ex when I just moved to this city, and I was very busy and relied on old friends back home, so I never made a true social circle in my current city. I’m currently unemployed as well, I was laid off in April, but have been interviewing a lot recently, so hoping to have a job to take my attention away soon. I get outside a lot, go climbing, in great physical shape, and am honestly the most happy and confident I have been with myself in my life. I feel pretty stable, honestly, and overall in a decent place as a person. But I just have her missing from my life. I am a dependent person, but I just don’t feel like that’s what this is. I do believe I can find love again. I’m very confident I have so much to offer, and that someone would be lucky to have me (I’m not perfect my any means but know I am a catch and can make someone happy). What is hurting a lot is the thought that it really probably will not be her that I spend my life with. I want our love, not any other. And that’s the truth. I don’t know if that will ever change. I feel like even if I met someone that swept me up off my feet that she would still occupy some of my heart, soul, whatever. I just don’t know. There’s so much speculation because she won’t speak to me. But I’m 28, feel like she is the love of my life. Even with all this shit. 28 years and never a connection that has come close to what her and I shared. It’s scary to think of never finding that again, and even scarier to me at the moment that it will not be her.

So, anyone gone through anything like this? Encouragement, positive thoughts, anything really is appreciated. Similar experiences also appreciated – whether it be you and a previous lover reconnecting years later and it working – or you thinking you lost the love of your life but found another that ended up being a better match. No negative experiences please, not in the mindstate for that atm! Thanks.

**tl;dr**: Can’t get over ex, feels like no one can replace what we had, and even if they can come close, it’s still not her, can’t wrap my head around it, blah blah blah.