I’ve been going crazy trying to decide if I’m just being an insecure asshole in this situation, so here goes. I met my boyfriend in college (he was a masters student who enrolled midway into my bachelors program, so we ended up graduating around the same time) through our college basketball team. We didn’t share any classes, so it took a while for us to actually get to know each other to the point we had pretext to hang out outside of training. We used to go play one-on-one in the evenings (stayed at the same dorm in different blocks, so we could hang out pretty late), and long story short, he asked me out a few months after we met.
We’ve been renting a flat together for about a year now. No plans for marriage or engagement yet. He recently had to rehome his family cat (his parents couldn’t take care of it anymore), so it’s staying with us too. We’re monogamous, and don’t have a relationship that supports fucking around. All this is to say that while we don’t really have concrete long-term plans, things are good right now as they are and I’m pretty sure there’s a degree of commitment on both sides. I pay my share of rent (he pays about 2/3 and I cover the other 1/3 and utilities, because his job pays more), we split chores equally, there’s no particular friction in our relationship. Or at least there wasn’t until this.
A week or so ago he’s told me he’s thinking of getting a vasectomy. I thought it was a joke at first so I admit I didn’t take it very seriously. When he made it clear that he wasn’t joking, and that it was an important reproductive decision to him since he’s childfree (we both are, but I guess I didn’t realize he’s that passionate about it?). I told him I understood that it’s his body and his decision to make, but that I don’t understand the need for it since as far as I know neither of us can get pregnant. We’ve been arguing about it on and off, and he’s been discussing it with some close friends of his, but none of them have contacted me directly about it. We haven’t had sex since he brought it up.
My key issue is that I don’t get why he needs one right now if he’s in a relationship with me. Maybe I’m being a dick, but him getting the snip feels like a decision that matters if he’s going to have sex with women (he’s bisexual, I’m gay), not with me. So either he would be cheating on me, or he’s already looking forward to having sex with women after we break up. I don’t understand why he can’t just have it done if and when that happens. At the same time he’s very defensive about it being a personal decision and that it doesn’t mean anything about our relationship specifically. I can’t stop him if he decides to do it, but the “why”s and “what if”s are driving me crazy and I admit the lack of sex doesn’t help. We haven’t spoken much either outside of arguing, and when we do it’s kind of distant.
Should I just let the entire topic go? Are there flags I’m not seeing here?
EDIT: I don’t think he’s cheating on me or likely to cheat. If he wants to have sex with someone else, he’ll break up with me first. So I don’t think it’s that.
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He’s bi. It’s likely he will at some point have sex with women. It’s unlikely you two will be together for the long term as you met so young and people grow and change a lot in the lot 20’s.
I can appreciate that it bothers you because….if you’re a man having sex with a man then BC isn’t so much an issue (unless a trans man I guess?).
But all that said, I was on BC even when i wasn’t dating anyone and even when I was married to a man with a vasectomy “just in case”. I don’t think wanting to have that base covered is inherently indicative of an affair. More like “I want this done so it’s handled”.
Not gonna lie, it’s super weird of your boyfriend to want a vasectomy. He cannot accidentally get someone pregnant unless he is actively sleeping with a biological woman. It would be like me buying a lifevest while I don’t live anywhere near the sea. See how ridiculous it sounds?
He’s either cheating, planning to cheat, or he doesn’t see a long term future with you
The flag you are not seeing is that you two are not in a permanent relationship with each other. When there are tricky relationship questions, you both isolate and clam up.
He’s bisexual and his interest in a vasectomy indicates to me he hasn’t made a permanent, lifelong choice of a partner in you.
Instead of being provoked into a fear stance by his interest in a vasectomy, you could gently and respectfully probe what he sees in his future and whether you will play a part in it. But you may be sad to learn that you are just the man of the hour, not of the year or the decade.
Honestly, just knowing he’s planning to have a procedure done that only has benefit if he fucks women is probably enough to destroy the relationship. If he planned to be with you forever (or at least long term), he would never even consider getting a vasectomy. That he is considering it says that he absolutely intends to fuck a woman again at some point. That means staying with him even a little longer is just a waste of your time.
I know some people in the US were getting vasectomies now just in case they become illegal in the future or out of solidarity with women who are having access to bc restricted.
Might be as simple as, he’s in a good place to do it now. He’ll be out of commission a day or two, and has someone to take care of him. His insurance isn’t likely to pay for it, and he may be financially able to do so at this time. If he’s been planning on this and the timing looks right, why not? You’re dating, not engaged, so he’s not going to bank his future on this being permanent yet.
You and your BF don’t have a level of commitment where he feels confident you’ll be together for the long term, so he wants a vasectomy in case y’all break up and he dates a woman after you.
He’s not gay, likely sleeps with a woman and definitely doesn’t want to be a father. Seems pretty clear.
I think you are over thinking this, if you trust him not to cheat.
He wants to ensure he will be kid free, if he is ever in a relationship with a woman in the future.
As they say, his body, his choice.
Your boyfriend getting a vasectomy does not necessarily indicate his lack of fidelity or commitment to you. You, as partners, need to communicate about what you want from the future of your relationship *separately* from this medical procedure.
What, to you, is a symbol of intent to sleep with other people in future, may be something which brings peace of mind to your partner because it will enable him to be *in control of his own reproductive choices*. I am not in a relationship where I could get pregnant by accident, and my spouse is absolutely stuck with me forever…if I wanted to get my tubes tied, it would technically be pointless! But exercising my body autonomy would be important to *me*, even though it would never, ever be tested.
It sounds like you want to have a conversation about commitment and where this relationship is going in the long-term, so talk about *that*, not the vasectomy.
If this is a life goal of his, he may want it regardless of who he is with. I had my tubes tied and was single at the time. It’s just something that I had to do for myself and my own body no matter who I was with or not with. And I was already on birth control that I was relatively happy with. But things can always happen, and I had to SURE. And bad things can happen to men too.
Some people who are child free are absolutely terrified of someone taking that choice away from them by force. I’m not so adamantly child free that I really really needed to have my tubes tied as a preventative, but I have just never felt safe that someone won’t mess with my birth control, or jump me somewhere. Men get raped too, and rapes make babies just as often as regular sex makes babies.
I encourage you to consider this may be anxiety about personal safety, because it was for me. As for him getting quiet about it, you pushing back on him about it probably makes him feel like he doesn’t get to choose what he does with his own body. And maybe he feels insecure explaining it to you, because he’s been the target of toxic masculinity all of his life.
You guys are both super super young. He probably loves you but, understandably because of how young you are, he also probably assumes he will have other partners besides you.
That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or care about you. He just sounds a bit more pragmatic than you. It would have been kinder for him to just get the procedure without telling you, but, again, y’all are still very young and it takes time and maturity to learn discretion.
Sorry this happened, it’s awkward and I can understand why you’re quite hurt about it. You don’t have to break up with him over this, but if it’s really hurting you and he does go ahead and get a vasectomy, it’s also ok to just walk away. He isn’t wrong but neither are you, imo.
It’s weird but I know a lot of gay men that have had vasectomy’s done. But thier reasons behind it was just horrible but sad but true.
This was in the early 90’s when raves were a huge thing. Drugs galore.
A amazing guy went to one and a women who believed they could turn a gay man straight. She ended up drugging and raping him. And got pregnant from that altercation.
After that situation a lot if gay men ran to get vasectomy’s done.
This is the only example that I was aware of gay men getting vasectomy’s done
Have a conversation with your partner. And ask for the real reason behind his reasons
Wishing you the best of luck
Is it possible that he’s bi?
So he may not look at your relationship as permanent… that’s an aspect of it too. He may one day decide to date a woman (after you’ve broken up) and he just wants to decrease possibility of getting her pregnant.
He’s bisexual. He’s planning ahead
I think you are wayyyyy over thinking this. Birth control right now in every state is walking a fine line and there are multiple politicians who want to take it away. It would make perfect sense to get it done now rather than to try later and it is 10x harder to get done. It is his body and he has made his mind up to get it done, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with women. He could be attempting to not leave his DNA laying around, or have protection from an unwanted pregnancy if he was raped by a female, etc. he could be solidifying the fact that he does not want children of his own. That doesn’t mean he wouldn’t help raise a child with your DNA or adopt, but he doesn’t want a biological child of his own. He could feel a huge weight off his shoulders getting it done and knowing that door is closed and will never happen. He could tell family members inquiring about grandkids or nieces/nephews he had it done so those convos will stop. There’s could be a huge amount of reasons why, in the end, he doesn’t have to explain the “why” and he definitely will not when you’ve turned to the “dark” side and assumed the worst.
Sidenote: Rape happens to men. And child support doesn’t care. I think you are overthinking this. He wants to protect himself in every way he can.
I wonder if he’s maybe struggling with his sexuality and making a permanent medical decision to relieve some of that anxiety? Being bi is full of people assuming he can’t make a simple decision for himself, but this is one decision he CAN make for himself. If you love him, support him through it and know for whatever reason, it’s something he needs to do for himself to have peace and be glad for him that he can find it.
The worry that you are feeling is probably not the first time you’ve thought about him being bi and having other urges. That’s the risk you take when choosing to date a bi guy. But if in every way he’s honest, loving, committed, and monogamous just try and live in the present and enjoy it. While I can’t guarantee that this isn’t about you, him having or not having sperm in his ejaculate is NOT the thing stopping him from enjoying women.
I am child free and I get it! Maybe he is doing this because you are getting serious and he wants to avoid a situation where you want to change his mind on children (not to say you would do that). I think this is him arriving to a personal decision, it doesn’t have to be about him wanting to fuck someone else.
If there is a message here it’s not “I want to fuck women” but “I won’t have children with you or anyone else ever”
Personally even tho I don’t have sex that could end in children I am still going to be very relieved once I get sterilization in 3 months.
Sounds like you reacted defensively quite fast. Have you had a calm conversation about why it’s important to him, from a non-judgmental place?
You might learn a few things about your partner if you do. They might not be what you think. And it might have nothing to do with you.
I hope this doesn’t sound horrific or tactless at all but, what if he were placed in a position where he didn’t give consent and he’s forced upon by someone he could get pregnant? Also, what if he is sure he wants to remain child free and say you and he do stay together forever? He may also want to prevent leaving the door open for surrogacy or anything like that so he is choosing the route of a “permanent” procedure?
Maybe its something he wants to do for himself to make himself feel secure that he doesnt have children in the future he is very young and maybe he ha made that decision to possibly adopt and doesnt want that hassle in his life so he can be sure?
Even if you two are in a relationship there are still ways he could father a child that doesnt include sleeping with women and perhaps he doesnt want to have that issue in his life, at the end of the day its his body and his choice
To me, this says he’s unsure of what your future holds. I kind of understand that, because I’ve seen people that were married for 10+ years split even. He is bisexual, so if your relationship doesn’t work out in the future, maybe he wants to be sure he will always be child free?
I don’t necessarily think he’s implying that you’re going to break up, but truthfully you never know. Nothing is guaranteed.
If I could make a suggestion? Support your partner. Don’t feel insecure. Spend this time loving him and supporting his choice, even if it may not seem necessary right now.
I’m wondering if there are genetic conditions in his family history he would never want to pass down. Maybe it’s embarrassing to him, like alcoholism. Also with enough money there are options for gay men to have their own children and he wants to eliminate any possibility to pass on his genes.
Yeah no, it’s weird!! Just came here to say that.
Kinda weird & insensitive choice when he’s in a mono relaysh w you ngl 🙃
He wants it in case he has sex with a woman in the future. Probably ask about where you both stand.