Hi everyone. I need a second opinion regarding how I feel toward this situation with my mother in law and sister in law. A lot of details ahead.
TL;DR are my husband and I justified in testifying in court against his mom? Husband does not want to hurt relationship with mom, but allegations of abuse and historical craziness has made us want to support his sister.
My MIL Theresa (F 49) and my SIL Anne (F 30) are battling in court over visitation rights to Anne’s daughter Olive (F 6). My husband (Jason M 26) and I (F 25) are caught in the middle of the whole thing.
From the beginning. Theresa raised Anne, Jason, and their little sister as a single mom with lots of help from family. Theresa was a nurse for most of the kids lives so she worked long, tiring shifts. However, Theresa is pretty much just emotionally negligent. The type of mom who thinks she should be praised for providing the bare minimum. You can tell by how the kids are now that they weren’t hugged much or paid much attention to. My husband considers his uncle/aunt to be the people who raised him. Not his mom.
Anne has never had a great relationship with Theresa. When Anne had Olive she figured Theresa could be a better grandmother than mother and she tried to reconnect. Theresa watched Olive pretty often. When Olive was 2 Anne separated from Olive’s father and moved in with Theresa for 2 years until Olive was 4. During this time Anne finished nursing school. After receiving her degree Anne and Olive moved to their own place and has been there for 2 years. Theresa still watched Olive pretty often.
Anne has been in therapy for some time now. By recommendation of here therapist, Anne asked Theresa to take a step back for her own mental health. After some time Anne would be willing to reconnect with Theresa to rebuild their relationship. Anne suggested that Olive would be watched by a different relative during that time. Theresa immediately accused Anne of “taking Olive away from me”. Theresa called Jason in tears (as she usually does) asking him to “talk some sense into your sister.” Jason suggested they get together and have a discussion. The next day Theresa went to Anne’s and after Anne wouldn’t answer the door she banged on the door and windows and was yelling outside her house. Anne got an emergency order of protection against Theresa so Theresa could not be around either Anne or Olive. After the OP was served to Theresa, Theresa found a lawyer and went to court for visitation rights to Olive stating that keeping Olive away from her would harm her mentally and emotionally. I’d say this all happened around last fall.
Since then, the Guardian Ad Litem suggested that Theresa has 2 hours of visitation every other week, that Theresa go to therapy, and that Theresa and Anne go to therapy together. Both Olive’s and Anne’s therapists have written letters strongly advising against any contact between Theresa and Anna and Theresa and Olive.
During it all Theresa has constantly contacted Jason and asked him to fix everything. She continued to contact him after we both asked her to stop. Jason and I both wrote letters to the GAL stating the horrible relationship Theresa and Anne have and how, now that I am pregnant, we would not want Theresa to be alone with our child as we’re worried she will blatantly disrespect our choices and do as she pleases. I also refuse to let someone be in the position that they feel they have a right to my child. It has come out in therapy sessions that Theresa has hit/abused Olive. Olive now says she’s afraid of her grandmother and does not want to see her. Theresa claims Anne has coached her to say those things. Jason and I have supported Anne from day one as we feel if we were in her position we would do the same thing. However, Theresa is still Jason’s mom and he is not ready to go no contact with her. Theresa and Anne have put us in a position where we have to choose one or the other.
Anne and Theresa are back in court and Anne has asked us to testify on her behalf. I’m worried about how this will impact Jason’s relationship with Theresa. Honestly, I know I’m answering my own question and I think Jason will obviously hurt his relationship with his mother if we testify, but the water is so cloudy I don’t know if we’re in the right testifying for Anne. Are we doing the right thing? Is this how we protect our niece?
8 comments
Jason can have contact with his mom on his own if he wants. Doesn’t mean he gives her access to you, Olive, or anyone else in family. I don’t see a reason to save the relationship with his mother at this point but if he wants one he can foster it without involving anyone else. Be clear about Anne’s boundaries and your own with Jason.
In court, a person is asked to tell the truth. Telling the truth about Theresa’s hurting Olive will help Olive. It will damage your and your husband’s relationship with Theresa.
Olive is a child and cannot protect herself. Olive is relatively powerless. Theresa could change and is an independent adult.
Protect Olive; have serious discussions with your husband about how to handle Theresa in the near and distant future.
You and Jason are in agreement about your own child and Theresa. So, between the two of you, this is settled.
So really, this decision should sit with him. When it comes to what he says in court about his biological mother, that really belongs to him. If he’s unsure, I’d suggest he speak to a family therapist, and get a safe, supportive place to think this through and get support for the fallout from whatever he chooses.
However, in your position, I would strongly encourage him to put Olive’s needs first, and testify against Theresa having access to the child, and to stop pressuring Anne to have any relationship with Theresa. He may not be ready to cut contact, and that is his choice for his relationship, but he should respect Anne’s if she is and he should assist in the protection of Olive, who cannot choose for herself. No more suggestion of ‘the three of us will discuss it’. Instead, his reply to his mother should be “This is Anne’s decision for her relationship with you. I am sorry to hear her choice hurts you, but whatever she chooses she has my support and respect.”
You and Jason are adults. Olive is a small child and you and Jason have a moral obligation to protect her because she is too small to protect herself. Your only concern should be protecting this child. Would you want to be in Anne’s situation, and have family that prioritized their relationship with an abuser over the safety and well being of the abused child?
First, neither you nor Jason are driving the outcome here. The most you can do is decline to testify, but in the words of Neil Peart from Rush, “if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice”. In other words, because of their actions, you’re being forced to participate so you’re going to have to do *something*.
Next, consider this phrase: *Doing right isn’t always easy, but it’s always right*. Yeah, the situation sucks worse than a black hole but remember the point above… THEY put you in this situation. So, if you want to feel good about what you do down the road, talk to Jason about what the RIGHT thing to do is regardless of the outcome. Obviously, in court, you have to tell the truth as you know it to be. Don’t embellish. Don’t exaggerate. Don’t mislead to protect people’s feelings. Just answer the questions you are asked to the best of your ability with complete truthfulness.
And finally, Jason should be clear with MIL that neither of you are going to lie in court to “fix” anything. You are going to answer the questions asked, answer them honestly, and that some of the answers are likely to be upsetting to her. Point out that this is all because she decided to push for visitation instead of giving Anne the time and space that she asked for.
Actions have outcomes. Theresa needs to learn that she can’t always get everything she wants and that pushing for that is causing more harm than good.
If you want to protect your niece, testify in court.
If you/your husband want to maintain a relationship with his mother, don’t testify.
Unfortunately, you can’t have it both ways. You can stand up against Olive’s abuser whilst keeping close with Jason’s mother – they are the same person. And there’s no doubt that Anne is guilty of harm:
>after Anne wouldn’t answer the door she banged on the door and windows and was yelling outside her house.
This is not how *any* reasonable adult behaves. Given Theresa’s history and behaviour, it’s not too much of a stretch at all to believe that he *has* abused Olive, not that Anne has coached her daughter out of some kind of misplaced vindictiveness.
It’s not an easy situation. I understand that Jason probably loves his mother and doesn’t want to hurt her. But if he refuses to testify and refuses to get involved, or otherwise wants to maintain a relationship with his mother, Anne may feel that she can not trust Jason with the safely of her daughter.
I’m sorry, did you have first hand knowledge of abuse of a child? If you do, you should speak up. But if you’re planning to testify to anything you’ve heard second hand, then no, that is not appropriate.
Whatever is in therapy sessions or letters or things you heard about later, the court will get elsewhere. It’s not your place to testify except for what you’ve been a first hand witness to.
If his mom hit Olive than she will hit your child too. Do you and your husband really want a relationship with someone who will hit your child? Do you want to support someone who hits children?