Edit: getting a resounding \*absolutely not\*, which… makes me feel a bit better, honestly. I mean. I was leaning that way. But I also know that I am deep in the forest, and having an outsider’s perspective really helps. Thanks, guys. I am going to to go through and answer any questions I see, in an hour or so.
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Well, buckle up, friends, because my life’s fever dream is about to get weird. I will be as brief as possible, but I am still trying to figure out what to do here, which is why I am posting. Also, to preface, I am leaning towards no, but I wanted to see if I was missing anything. And – this is wild.
====== Backstory =======
A brief backstory: 3 years ago, during COVID, my ex-wife, “Petunia,” cheated on me. We have one young son and have been married for seven years. I tried to work things out, but her mom convinced her she cheated because she was unhappy with me.
It was a very high-conflict divorce, and at first, I made a few bad decisions (trust – letting her have access to our joint bank account). I had a ton of false police allegations against me and CPS calls, so I put everything up to a camera. I walked with a bodycam outdoors. I was utterly self-monitored to avoid allegations.
A week after I put up the cameras, I caught her and her family breaking into my house. Legally speaking, she did not get arrested because we were still married, but it does look bad in court. However, I took my lawyer’s advice and the custody my state gives fathers.
Fortunately for me, she fell in love with someone in a European country and handed away most of the rights to my son. Most – as in, I got full custody, but she retained legal custody (i.e., she could pull him out of school or get his medical records, etc.). My lawyer said this protected me if we went back to court because she would probably win that before, and I would look bad.
One year later – she is getting divorced a second time and moving in with our mutual friend. The divorce happened about a month ago, and during this time, she has not attempted to visit my son. Side note here – my lawyer advised me to play it cool, don’t antagonize, don’t withhold our son. Also, he told me to buy a house (I am in a position to now) and set down roots to make it harder to take him away from me.
Again, our divorce was a high conflict, and I was terrified she would try and take him from me. I am more than willing to allow her to see her son, and I want to do “The right thing” and let my son grow up happy. Honestly – that’s all I care about. Her history says she is highly volatile, and I am concerned.
======== Current Problem – Here’s where I need advice ==========
**I don’t want to bury the lede here, so the crux is that she wants to move in for a few weeks until her YouTube career takes off. I am not insane, so I do not have any confidence in said career. I also question her mental health (for reasons listed below). Reddit, wut do?**
Our mutual friends (a couple with three children) grew tired of Petunia and for a good reason. They assumed she would do the usual thing: get a job and get back up on her feet. They also work very hard and sometimes struggle to get by, so working 10 hours a day to come home to someone doing absolutely nothing is very discouraging. They gave her a deadline to get out, or they would involve legal matters. That deadline is in a few days. So Petunia has decided to call me and ask if she could live with me for a few weeks. Petunia joined some new-age religion. There is a lot of detail to share here, but I want to leave the tangent manageable. Instead, I will link you over to The Aetherius Society. She denies it by name, but line-by-line, that’s what she believes in.
I am religious, so I am careful not to make fun of other religions. It would not be sincere of me to do so. But it started with a tarot reading, which led to going onto TikTok, and she believes that she is a Starseed and an ancient alien who came to spread light to the world. It seems like a mix of Paganism, Buddhism, and other spiritual things mashed into one. I am trying not to rant about reincarnations and talking with aliens here, so I’ve deleted many paragraphs of the issues I take with it. She thinks she is a chosen being, risen above the masses, and of course, that plays strongly into the ego. Everyone internally wants to feel like they are unique, and believing you are of some royal bloodline feeds into that.
Right now, I am legitimately suspecting mental illness. Our mutual friends tell me that they don’t recognize her anymore and that she is being secretive and not letting them know what’s happening.
I’m a single dad with 100% custody and zero support from the other parent. My dating life is also not looking up, but I have a promising career, and we get by. I am incredibly fortunate in a lot of ways. I’ve been getting a ton of therapy for my codependent behaviors, and I don’t need this. She tells me she will be homeless if I don’t take her in. She is not speaking with her immediate family because she moved to another country. If I let her in, though, it will seriously affect my mental health. What the heck do I do? I am leaning towards calling her bluff and letting her figure it out – though it appears she will never get a job. Would the courts hate that? I am very uncomfortable with this position.
49 comments
You would be an absolute fool to let her live with you. It will also harm your son. Do not make that mistake.
“ton of false police allegations against me and CPS calls”
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go no further. Do you want to invite this back into your life? You are not responsible for her.
If you let her move in, it will seriously impact your SON’s mental health, and not in a good way.
If she ends up homeless, it will be solely due to her own bad decisions. If you want, call your attorney and ask them to be sure you aren’t screwing yourself over somehow; if you have any evidence of her insane beliefs, keep it. I can’t see the court being upset you don’t want someone you feel is genuinely mentally ill living with your child, but ask to be sure.
I wouldn’t let her live with you. You said there were CPS calls and police allegations. Something happened with the joint bank account. Had to film your entire life for your safety. Hell no. This is not a good idea.
Honestly, I’d call your lawyer and advise him/her on what she’s trying to do, that you don’t want to do it, and see what s/he says to make that a clear no. Get ahead of any threats now.
There is absolutely no reason for you to accommodate a high conflict ex.
Living together even platonically increases the probability of conflict and if she’s not looking for a job and expecting to make her living as an influencer in a few weeks she’s not being realistic or rational.
I can’t imagine that the courts will expect you to accommodate her or penalize you for not doing so. I would tell her that I think it would be confusing for our child and awkward for both of us.
Have you discussed this with your lawyer? He doesn’t seem to be getting much done for you given the circumstances but he should be able to give you some insight.
Hell to the no. Sure she’s the mother of your child but you have no obligation to house her, period. It’s not an amicable relationship with someone you still trust to at least be responsible. It’s clear that this would be detrimental to both you and your son’s lives and likely stability. That’s not fair to either of you. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
NTA if you don’t take her in. She needs to see a psychiatrist. This screams of personality disorder.
This is where you need to be selfish and protect your son.
No fucking way should you allow her to step foot inside your home. She has massive issues.
Do whatever you want in life, just know that if you let her move in you will probably ruin anything good you have in life.
NO. She gets what she gets.
Don’t let her move in or else you will regret it in more than one way (considering all the details that you have shared).
Consult with your lawyer ASAP
Install cameras in and around your home.
Any communication with her should be recorded or through text/ email
Don’t let her have free access to your kid, let her supervise visits in public places only. She can’t just walk away and get back to start from where she left, it will impact your child negatively.
Why would you be so stupid. She doesn’t deserve anything from you.
You suspects mental illness and want her to move in !
She can harm you and your child to. It is an uncomfortable position for sur but any solution is better than letting her in
Not your monkey. Not your circus
Dude. No. Just no.
Why would you even remotely contemplate this after you had to wear a body camera due to the volume and severity of CPS and Police reports she was making?
This woman is insane, and the absolute best thing you can do is protect yourself and your son from her unhinged behaviour.
Are you fucking high for even considering letting her move in? Dude, say no-trust me.
Absolutely not.
You never let her in to your house. Protect yourself and your son.
NO NO NO NO NO
No you don’t let her move in. She’s a grown ass woman who moved on from you. She needs to figure that out herself. Her relationship with you should only be about your child. Continue living and working on yourself. You move on too.
The answer is clearly to not let her back in, but clearly you need to hear it from someone you trust.
You have followed the excellent advice of your lawyer so far. Ask your lawyer and follow their advice again.
Please do not let this person back into your life in any way, shape, or form. You owed her nothing else the minute your divorce was settled. It sounds like letting her back in will do way more harm than good for you and your son.
Leaning towards no? Dude….absolutely not.
You shouldn’t even be considering it.. you and your sons mental health, safety and security is at stake here. It’s a hard NO from me.
This sounds like a Florida post……
She is not your responsibility anymore. She can seek help from the person she cheated with
It will also harm your son.
You would be the dumbest dude in the world, if you let that woman back into your life.
If you let her in, she may find the perfect opportunity to accuse you of something against her or, more likely your kid, that could get you kicked out of your house by restraining order. Not in any way worth the risk.
There is nothing legally that would affect this decision. You guys are divorced- you are not at all required to live with each other ever again. The answer is no. She’ll screw up ur kid I’m sure if he sees her too much. She probably needs help – but that’s on her. She’s not your responsibility ever again.
Do not under any circumstance let her move in with you! There’s just way to many things that can go wrong.
Don’t.
If she’s flaky and doesn’t even have contact to your son, don’t bring her back into his life. Do not set yourself up for new alligations. Do not put your son in the position of being abducted or harmed. Truth of the matter is, that ***some*** women will restort to this, just to get back at their ex. She already tried hurting you and it didn’t succeed.
Move, find a new place. Out of sight, out of mind.
I’m going to agree with the people who reminded you about the CPS allegations. No good will come of it. And it will not help your custody position.
Not your circus, not your monkeys.
You are not the only person that stands between her and homelessness. She clearly has family that are close enough to commit crimes with and for her. They are also able to take her in. If you are feeling generous, you could offer to pay for transport to where they live. But you don’t have to. You are not obliged to harm yourself and your son due to her bad choices.
did you talk with your lawyer about this? pretty sure they can advise you all of the reasons this is a terrible idea.
No way, if you see a fresh turd you wouldn’t walk right into it.
Don’t let her within twenty feet of your home and child. She sounds truly unhinged.
HELL NO. Do not let her leech off you. She’s done enough damage. Stay strong.
She can go live with her momma.
Just the fact that she thought she could turn to you shows that she’s completely disconnected from reality.
As long as she has someone to take care of her real life needs, she’ll stay in her fairy tale world. As long as she’s there, you’ll be expected to eat that crap. I smell a drug problem, too.
You see, it’s ok to be a heartless, selfish user, because she’s so far above normal human concerns… the Royal Alien Guru said she can commit whatever atrocities she pleases.
A reddit thread where literally everyone agrees!
Keep your head up! You are doing everything right. Just keep listening to yourself because you seem to be making the best decisions for you and your son. I would not let her back in.. it will only make it more confusing and hard. You’ve got this 🩵
Her problems are not your problems. Don’t let her drag you back into her misery. Keep her at arm’s length and absolutely don’t let her move in with you.
Why can’t she go live with any of the family members that help her break into your house?
I would imagine it would be very difficult to get her out of the house if you let her stay with you
As an ex spouse the courts shouldn’t look on you unfavourably for not taking in your ex wife. You are divorced, she’s separated from her last husband. You have no obligation to house her.
IF you let her in…you could well be trying to get her out 6 months from now, which wont be pleasant and will be right in front of your child.
Don’t do it.
Absolutely not. Tell her to move in with her mom since her mom gives such good advice.
Can’t members of her “church” help her? She can stay with like minded people while her “career” takes off.
The impact this could have on your child is upsetting, too.