women who found themselves struggling to get over their ex and being single for more than a year, how long did it take you to find someone new who changed everything if you did?

8 comments

1. 2 years of full time looking here (2-3 dating apps cycling and texting almost every day, rarely meeting up tho because I vet hard).

2. 8 years. and the only person I needed to find was myself. it took 8 years to realize that. that, you don’t need anyone else, you need yourself. when people approach you trying to become a part of your personal life, they better have something to offer or improve it. don’t settle, everyone does this just to avoid the fact that they cannot be alone. learn how to be at peace with yourself, it’s the only relationship you have forever. healthy people attract healthy people.

3. It’s cliche, but just time and distance. I obsessed over it for a year, kept photos, communicated with him, looked at his social media, and thats not the way to do it at all. It was my first boyfriend and we broke up because it would become long distance as I was moving, Im talking different sides of the globe.

   I was pretty pathetic, talking about him to my friends, not even being receptive to other guys who showed interest because I compared them, just reopening the wound constantly and glorifying him as any fault of his grew increasingly hard to recall, creating a perfect guy that never existed. It’s easier to project unto an unavailable relationship because what’s fake can’t ever really break your heart, so I was being cowardly, hiding from the new and unknown and creating a romantic pining narrative.

   I received really good advice that took me two years to really get and work, and it was that to not fight thinking about the ex, just when he crosses your mind smile, allow the memory but for a second, and then shift your attention to something else, and in time he will cross your mind less and less. And Ive learned that with time, his memory has just dimmed in my mind, and I can honestly say that its been years since Ive regretted or missed him. Now he is just an occasional memory, a nice one, but one that feels dead.

   If I could go back, I would have told myself to get rid of his pictures sooner, to unfriend him on all social media immediately and never peak or cheat, and I would have made myself write down all the times he wasn’t perfect, and consult that list whenever I was idealising him. I would have said yes to dates and would have also just focused on myself.

   Im single atm but I am comfortable with myself, and I know I could handle any break up in the future because I enjoy myself and know myself better. It’s so hard getting over someone you loved, but I think it was a great learning experience and I matured from it. But bottom line, you have to go through it, and only time and distance will ease it.

4. 2 1/2 years of absolutely no dating, no interest in dating, and didn’t even think about faulting again until I reluctantly agreed to casually meet my now soon to be fiance at an event with friends.

   It wasn’t that I struggled to get over my ex, it was more that I needed to heal from the relationship and better myself after everything that happened.

   Even when we started getting to know each other, I was almost frustrated with myself in “damnit why do I really like this guy” kind of thing and I almost wanted him to make a mistake or not turn out to be who I thought he was so it affirm my feelings about relationships. But, fortunately, I was wrong and I somehow managed to snag a good one that I’ll keep around for awhile and I managed to not fuck it up yet.

5. I had to get to know myself better and become happy with myself, before I even started to find someone I genuinely liked. Otherwise I was only getting hookups with guys who didn’t care about me and treated me like a free prostitute. I was pretty desperate immediately after the breakup though.

   But definitely you need lots of time to fully heal and then when it’s no longer painful, reflect on things that you could improve on or what you really want from a partner. But you should be careful to never feel a “need” for a partner. Because that probably is a sign of codependancy issues.

   Just not fixating about relationships and focusing instead on platonic friendships, making more effort to hangout with my parents, and trying new random things for myself, and plenty of time and starting cannabis edibles, I was able to heal from my last breakup fairly quickly. The physical lovesick symptoms went away after 2 weeks with edibles (only took tiny doses 5mg to calm my emotions and relax), and after about half a year, I was feeling back to my normal self.

   I did meet my current bf, though it was through a dating app, we started as just friends for like over a month or two just vibing on Discord and we clicked really well but we didn’t want to rush anything. So it was a while before actually going on our first date and eventually falling for each other naturally with time getting to know each other more and realizing how compatible we were.

   I learned from my previous break up (with an ex I was super codependent on) the hard way, that leaning way too hard into appeasing someone and depending on someone too much is a very self-destructive and dangerous thing to do because you lose your own self identity and autonomy that way. You become too scared to do anything alone or with other people, you stop talking to friends, etc.

   So, since I learned from that experience, I do not change myself for my current bf. I am the same as before I met him, still talking with my friends everyday, meeting up with friends and family, doing my own solo activities like art or gaming, getting into new solo hobbies like cross-stitching and gardening (I know, I am getting old lol, but I embrace it). He does the same as well, he has his own group of friends that he talks to besides me and his own interests that I don’t participate in, so I do not feel a need to cling to him either. At first I did have to relearn to better respect his boundaries since he is an introvert and I’m an extrovert (with social anxiety), but we’ve been doing well for almost a whole year now.

6. i feel that the rule of thumb is that it takes half as long as the amount of time you were with somebody to get over them. so i was with my ex for four years and two years after he left me im finally starting to feel better and i can shift my perspective away from him and his feelings for me to myself and my feelings towards him which are finally becoming neutral.

7. Still looking after 4 years

8. When you’re meeting them it’s easy. Relationships are hard but the baseline natural interaction is easy and you enjoy it. It doesn’t take energy from you to be with or around the person and thinking about them gives you the good brain chemicals. When you’re hung up on someone you forget what the new person will remind you you can be excited about: the future