I found out I was pregnant less than a year into the relationship. It was unplanned and I regret not being more careful. I have a child (6m) from a previous relationship.
When I told my partner about the pregnancy I told him I thought an abortion would be best but I didn’t know if I could go through with it. However, I was concerned about being able to provide for my son with a new baby. I also wasn’t sure it was the right time for me emotionally.
He said he really wanted to have a baby with me but loved me and would support me if I chose an abortion. He got very upset saying he was a failure for not being able to provide the stability I needed. Feeling bad for him and wanting to know I was making an informed decision, I started to look at what options would be available to me if I kept the baby. I contacted a number of support services etc to find out more about my options. I found there were options there and I started to consider the possibility of having the baby. While he was scared, he said he wanted this baby so much and started planning how we might manage as a family. I also spoke to a clinic about the abortion as I wanted to keep this option open until I was decided. I told him I still hadn’t made a decision as I wanted to work through my emotions.
I booked in therapy but there was a short wait. Before I was able to have it, my partner suddenly changed his mind. He told me I needed to end the pregnancy. I was shocked as it was his emotions that had led me to explore my options. He repeated several times that I had to do it (have the abortion), so I told him it was my choice and still wanted to have the therapy so I could decide what was right for me.
It transpired that, without telling me, he had sat down with his family to discuss the pregnancy. He told me they had decided that I was failing my son and he would be taken away from me and put into care. He said he and his family wanted nothing to do with the baby. I knew what he was saying about my son was untrue but he wouldn’t listen and he has completely ghosted me since, even when I asked for emotional support talking to the abortion clinic.
I continued with my therapy and decided that I would end the pregnancy, in part because I felt emotionally I couldn’t do it alone. I had the termination a couple of weeks ago but haven’t told him yet.
I have spoken to a few close friends and they have differing opinions. Some say he is scared and immature with a controlling family and I should not think too harshly of him. Others say he has acted inappropriately, betrayed my trust, taken away my choice and abandoned me. Should I contact him to tell him what was wrong with his actions? Should I notify him of the abortion? Will I be able to live with the knowledge that the pressure he put on me influenced my decision?
32 comments
Honey, I’m so sorry for being so blunt, but do you really want to have a child with this man?
Just ghost him fully. Do not speak to him again. Yuck
Don’t tell him anything. Leave him for your own good. He’s even not ready for being a parent .
Sorry, but this man is totally immature. So sorry, he emotionally dragged you to this confusing place. I think you made the right decision. But I know it was hard. Please don’t continue any relationship with him. If he ever contacts you, you can tell him an abortion happened. But you don’t owe him anything.
I think you know everything you need to know about this man, which is that he is not boyfriend material. I dont think you need to contact him about anything at all, ever.
Just block him. Do you really want to be with this kind of man? And have a kid with him?
He’s nearly 40. He’s way too old to run to Mummy and Daddy.
I assume he is not being fully honest with what they said. I assume they said something more like ‘if you have this baby, don’t expect us to provide childcare or money.’ While that is harsh, if he has a habit of running to them to fix his problems, maybe they had to be harsh.
I think you should ghost and block him. Let him spend the rest of his life wondering if he has a kid. If he contacts you in the future, ignore him.
I am sorry that this happened to you. Get all the support you need. Don’t listen to people who make excuses for him. Getting you pregnant and ghosting you is unforgivable.
>He told me they had decided that I was failing my son and he would be taken away from me and put into care.
Who decided that? How were they trying to accomplish that? Who do they think they are? CPS? The audacity!
Fuck this guy and his family. Be glad you are rid of them. You and your son don’t need this in your lives.
You’ve done nothing wrong ! Whether or not his pressure influenced your decisions, you still made the right choice for yourself and you need to make peace with that. He also doesn’t sound like someone you would want to have a child with. I’d suggest therapy if it’s accessible to work through your emotions, and no contact with this man. He doesn’t add any value to your life.
Just block and move on!
I’m sorry you went through the abortion alone. You can PM me anytime. ❤️
I wouldn’t contact that guy again. Sounds like he only makes everyone he touches worse along w his weird ass family.
No mature man discuss having a baby with his family, you are his partner and you together build the family, so this is enough reason to leave, instead of looking for a job he is discussing that with his family what is that?? Isn’t it the couple choice
Why do you want to speak to him again? Sorry if that’s a stupid question but I’m trying to figure out what you are hoping will happen if you speak to him?
If I were in your situation, there’s no way I’d contact this guy ever again, fwiw. He’s shown you how pathetic he is. He certainly doesn’t care what you think of him, I mean, if he cared about your opinion and feelings he wouldn’t have done what he did…
Be prepared to raise two kids by yourself.
I have a 6 year agegap with my two kids as well. That wasn’t the problem. They’re best buddies. The problem was their deadbeat dad. It was easier being single than having them around.
Just move on and dont look back.
What he did was cowardly and vile. Its fair to not want a pregnancy. But to give false hooe only to be pressured into a totally different thought process so easily by his family and saying the type of disgusting things they did about your son is unforgivable.
Find someone else. Dont contact him. If he contacts you. Dont respond. He will never be a better person while letting his vile family control his thoughts and feelings like that.
Just focus on you and your son.
Don’t tell him anything. If you tell him you had the abortion, he’ll probably rethink his decision and feel some type of way about it, then he’ll be mad at you for doing what he wanted you to do. Just let him go through life wondering if he has a kid out there.
I am sorry you had to go through this OP. You sound far more emotionally mature and level headed than he is. While ultimately you made the decision to terminate, I absolutely do think you made the wisest choice for both yourself and your son.
If anything he did you a favour at this early a stage in both the relationship and your pregnancy. I think it is natural for people to get swept up in the joy of the thought of a baby and on some minuscule level, the conversation with his family may have shocked him enough to reality of what that actually means. Though they sound like absolutely terrible people, make no mistake about that.
Your friends who have said he has betrayed you are absolutely correct. If you absolutely need to, send that final message so you feel like your voice is heard. I have no doubt you’ll articulate your feelings in a suitable manner.
I just think you shouldn’t get your hopes up at any reasonable response from him nor closure in that way, sadly. That or once he finds out you opted to end the pregnancy he’ll try to worm back in thinking he’s off the hook of parenthood.
Wishing you all the best, as the termination can’t have been easy.
I’m so sorry with what you have been through with the baby and your partner. He is just waaaay too old to be acting that way. His family talking him into telling you to get an abortion. What the hell?!
You dodged a bullet and are lucky he’s MIA. It will take you a long time to recover, but he just showed you his true colors and level of importance in his life. Take care. 💝
Oh boy, sounds like you dodged a bullet with that dude. Maybe he should be the one in care instead haha. But seriously, it’s your body, your choice. Don’t let anyone pressure you into anything.
Lmao I thought you guys were like 17 or something. Hes 39?!!!! Is this real life? Who the fuck cares what his 70 year old parents think? I wouldn’t even reach out to his dusty ass girl
you dodged a bullet. move on from this man child
I’d let him believe that he has a kid out there somewhere and never talk to him again. At some point in his life, he’s going to wish he hadn’t acted like a child and ghosted you.
You owe him nothing at this point, move on with your life and be thankful he showed his true colors early enough that you weren’t trapped with him in your life.
Sorry this happened to you.
Imagine being tied to that family for the rest of your life (or at least 18 years). If the emotionally stunted man-child is any example, it would not have been good for you, the baby or (most importantly, IMO) your son.
Do not talk to him any more. Be more careful in the future.
Don’t tell him anything. There’s nothing in your life tying you to him or his awful family. Breathe a sigh of relief and work on bettering the life for you and your son.
He walked away from you and the unborn kid. Don’t waste anymore energy worrying about his feelings or the thoughts of his family.
Your son should be your priority not this pos.
I would just keep moving in with my life. I wouldn’t see him anymore. He would be blocked.
You already have a child, do you have income and steady work to support the child financially till 25, until they can stand on their own, if not you can’t give this child that then don’t have the child.
Do not contact him or his family. What do you want to get from that interaction? They completely abandoned you when you needed the most. They showed you their real selves and you still want to contact them?
Do not explain to him his own actions. You are not his mother or his therapist. Let him repeat the same mistakes in life and be miserable.
Sweet girl, you’ve dodged several bullets. Your hesitation and sadness comes from grief over a relationship that never and could never exist.
I’ll suggest getting an IUD. It sounds like you’ve had a rough record with whatever birth control you’ve used before.
The trash took itself out. Block your ex and move on. He didn’t even have the decency to take responsibility. You owe him nothing.
It doesn’t matter why he behaved the way that he did. I’m sorry that he treated you like this. I hope you find someone more deserving of your affection.
Walk away. You dodged a bullet with this guy– pregnancy might have put him in your life for the next 18 miserable uncomfortable passive aggressive years of your life. You don’t owe him squat.
Honestly, I would drop it and move on with your life without him. I wouldn’t tell him of your decision. Let him wonder later what you did.
Find peace with your decision.
Don’t contact him. He knows he was wrong, and he doesn’t care.
The second anyone told me I was failing my child would be the second they were out of my life. I cannot say this loudly enough: fuck them sideways with the pointy end of a pineapple. You don’t need this shit in your life. If he had a conscience, he wouldn’t have treated you like this in the first place.