I (21F) have been with my boyfriend (23M) for three months, we have known each other for a year because we go to nursing school together and we just became inseparable.
I can talk for hours about how amazing of a person he is and how it feels like we were made for each other.
I always knew he had a crush on me but i told myself that he wasn’t my type.
After i couldn’t deny my attraction to him 8 months into our friendship, i confronted him and we decided we just go with the flow.
My mom had just died and didn’t think I could handle a relationship because they always felt like a lot of work. But our relationship evolved so naturally and we fell in love, we talk about the possibility of a future together and marriage, and I couldn’t be more happy.
I don’t know exactly how much he weighs but I would say around 250 lbs (115 kg) for 6″ (1.80m), he’s is not conveniently attractive but I don’t care, I think he’s adorable.
I’m overweight too (180 lbs / 83kg) for 5″7 ( 1.75m) but I’ve always been told that I’m attractive and s*xy and never had trouble getting men to like me.
I was talking to a friend (F) that I haven’t spoken to in a while and the conversation went like this :
Her : oh you remember a guy you went out with…
Me : actually, I’m in relationship right now, we go to school together
Her : oh ! The guy you said was fat and ugly !
Me : he’s not ugly, I find him very handsome, plus, we’re both fat and we make a cute fat couple. (I tried to joke about it)
I never said that ! I went through our old messages since we had only talked about him once before through text. All I said was that he wasn’t my type and send her a picture of him. Never said he was fat nor ugly.
I got really mad and told my best friend (F) about this and she said that it was mean and rude.
My best freind knows a lot about him but haven’t met him because she lives far.
A week later, we went on a date and I sent my best freind a video of us playing bowling. She send me a vocal text of her and her sister kinda making fun of him : ” but girl ! He’s so fat, I didn’t realize he was this fat, what the hell did you like about him ? ”
I got really annoyed, especially that I already told her how rude my other friend’s comments were and how I didn’t like them.
I’m not planning on our relationship ending anytime soon, I’m very in love with him. But I don’t know how to answer these kind of comments.
He’s so excited to introduce me to his parents and family. I will introduce him to my family at some point too but after my friends’ comments, I’m afraid my family members will not like him or make fun of him because of his size. They are very judgmental and way less accepting then my friends.
I know their comments will hurt both of us and i’m afraid that they will make me doubt our relationship.
What should I do ?
TLDR : my freinds are making comments about my boyfriend being fat and laughing at our relationship
39 comments
The first friend’s reaction is shitty and rude, but I could probably get over it. However, your best friend’s reaction feels even worse. You told her how your other friend’s reaction made you feel, and yet she still chose to send you that vocal text.
You don’t have to entertain these people’s reactions or questions. Just a, “Wow, that’s rude. He’s a great boyfriend.” and end the conversation. Since she’s your best friend, it is probably worth a larger conversation at some point, letting her know how this made you feel and how what she said was not appropriate.
In the future, it would be good to think about how you want to handle these sorts of comments if they happen in person (especially with your bf there). Pointing out how rude what the person said was is always a good tactic, and leaving the situation might be the best move for your bf’s sake. Really, these sorts of comments should be few and far between, but it’s possible you are running with a crowd that is more immature or shallow, and you may have outgrown some of your friends.
Most everyone’s a dipshit at 21, so your friends’ comments are sort of par for that particular course. You’re gonna have to set some boundaries and hold them, or let it slide because what they say doesn’t much matter.
I know I’d have trouble being friends with people that judgmental.
You should tell her if she was your friend she should be happy you’re with a guy who treats you right and not make fun of his weight. Tell her you’re not sure you want to be friends with people who are so superficial who make fun of people’s weight.
Time to get better friends.
If they’re saying that about your bf, they’re probably saying that about you too.
I don’t know any civilized people who say things like that about their friends partners. Or just people in general that aren’t like their sworn enemies or something.
Maybe you need higher standards for friends.
Get new friends… or at least get rid of your old friends…
The only time fat concerns me is when it threatens health. If he is overall healthy, then they need to get a life. I could never imagine being that shallow, and honestly, that would be my response to them in those words. They are not concerned for his health though, they’re bullying.
If you’re wanting some quips to better defend him and be his advocate, here’s a list I can think off the top of my head:
“Why does that matter?”
“Can you explain why you care?”
“That’s hurtful! I wonder what hurtful things you must say about me!”
“If “fat” is the worst thing he is, I sure hit the jackpot!”
I’m sure you can think of others. Or, to put it quite bluntly, friends come and go. It sounds like you’re seeing their true colors, and rather than being happy you’re happy, they’d rather see you with an emotionally distant model who never spends time with you having fun so they can gawk at him and you can remain as unhappy as they are.
I’m sorry for who your friends are. It hurts when someone you’d thought wouldn’t hurt you does. But honestly, friends come and go. My friends grew similarly to yours and I dropped them around 24 or 25. Never looked back. Now, I have friends that I only ever dreamed of having. I’m 28.
As always, a simple “I don’t want to hear that” will suffice. Follow through on your boundaries with ceasing communication, otherwise they will tap dance all over you. But you can have fun with the responses, and I would continue being happy as you deserve to be with your wonderful partner. Just make sure he’s healthy so you two can have longer together.
If someone doesn’t add to or support your happiness, they’re not really worth your time or emotions IMO.
“STFU.. I don’t have to justify anyone why I like someone.. you are fucking rude.”
Those qualify as friends?!?!? Seriously? What are those who aren’t friends like?
Who are they to tell you who to love?
Tell your best friend to stop being such a shallow asshole. The old friend you barely talk to, you can go back to barely talking to.
Talk to your family members before you share your boyfriend with them. Let them know that you expect them to behave themselves and treat him well.
Your friends might be better than your family, but they aren’t great. Thing about it is, if you hang out with assholes, only assholes will want to hang out with you. And then everyone being an asshole just seems normal. You may actually do better by finding a new less judgmental friends group. Look for people who are kind and don’t love gossiping. But be careful not to bring the meanness of your old friends group with you.
Did you mix up the word “friend” and “enemy” here? I know people who for real *hate* me who are more considerate and polite to me.
I usually would answer this type of rude questions with rude comebacks: Well he is putting his D* on me, not you, so you shouldn’t worry.
As someone said, time to get better friends! Also you need to be confident in yourself, or your family will manipulate every decision you make, next time could be a fit boyfriend but if they don’t like it they will make you doubt yourself anyway until there is someone they like(?) It doesn’t make sense and he does sound amazing.
The only one who needs to like him is you.
Whether your boyfriend is a healthy size/weight whatever isn’t the issue. The issue is the incredibly hurtful behaviour from so-called friends. They sound immature and rude quite frankly.
Maybe you are at the point where this friendship group has run its course? It doesn’t sound like they are kind or supportive. That’s what I look for in friends.
You should do absolutely nothing, the beautiful thing about life is that as you get older the less you will care what others think.
About your family it’s a different matter, friends come and go but family can’t change that. My advice for this is letting them know first you have a boyfriend that is probably over 150kg. Let them be shocked, lower their expectations. They will be more receptive of him when they meet as they will realize he isn’t as fat as they pictured it.
I dated a girl who was around 170 and I was around 210 similar enough bc we were both overweight, her friends said shit about me to her but eventually after we broke up, I found out that she lost her friends after bc the relationship was the only thing left in their friendship to have fun with beating up on, it was no surprise they talked about her exclusively behind her back when a friend let her know.
Your friend is but jealous that you are in a happy health relationship, and she is not. Just keep doing what you are doing. Be happy.
If you are happy in your relationship and he treats you well, what everyone else thinks doesn’t matter.
Physique can change. All that matters is personality and compatibility.
Change friends, and your family shouldn’t care as long as you are happy.
I’m sorry your friends are failing you. This is so rude and shallow. I went through this as well and I am proud of how I handled it at the time. I told my “friend” to stop saying rude things about this person that I loved and if they continued I would never speak to them again because I do not want people like that in my life. I wasn’t angry when I said it, it was as if I asked her to scoot over. She did continue and I very plainly told her our friendship was over. I don’t regret it!
In case it has to be spelled out:
*This person is not your friend.*
This person is actively trying to undermine your romantic relationship by making you doubt things you didn’t mind before.
Whatever her motivations are, it clearly isn’t your best interest. Get rid of that snake.
My (36F) fiancé (45M) was about twenty-five stone when I met him. He’s the funniest, kindest, and honestly most sensual man I’ve ever been with. He’s probably about eighteen stone now, six foot tall, and I’m very happy with the way he looks at the moment. I’m five foot five and my weight sits around nine and a half stone. I’ve got lots of ‘wobbly bits’ and a stretched and saggy pregnancy belly too, I’m fairly average to look at but I’ve always done well for myself with the blokes.
If he makes you happy, don’t sweat it. I’d say the most important thing is you are both happy and healthy (and you don’t need to be a twig to be either of these). Try not to get offended as people can often be jealous of happiness in others. One thing I’ve learnt is that if you are truly happy, you do not have any unkindness to project out towards others. If your friend has anything mean to say, it’s a reflection of her own insecurities. Try to be as kind as you can back to your friend (before a stern word is had) and enjoy a summer of Love with your fella. X
Best thing is to just not answer them. You don’t need to defend your choice in partner to your friends, especially based on something so shallow as weight or looks. If he were mean or abusive in some way, your friends would have the right to talk shit about him. I’m going to make one last comment and I’m sure I’m going to be in plenty of trouble for it. Of course you have never had trouble finding a man willing to be with you regardless of how far you think you are or may actually be. Most of us are not choosey creatures. If we think there’s a chance we can get what we want, we’re into it.
You guys can collectively lose upwards of 230 lbs by dumping friends that can’t share your joy.
You didn’t mention anything about swinging or inviting those people over for an orgy, so why the fuck do they feel the need to talk about being attracted to him? If their opinions are negative based on anything other than how he treats you, they can go pound sand.
Wow! Awful people in your life… My lifelong childhood friend, married a man, incredibly overweight, but a great guy… By the way,, she is absolutely gorgeous in beauty, and figure… They had lots of ups and downs as all do,, but it worked out.. Kids, life, laughter, etc.. Sure,, we were surprised at first, as were her parents, but we liked him… And never, ever,, did anyone say anything to her… bloody hell.. You can say to your family,, My boyfriend and I are overweight,,, but I am very happy with him,,, and if you can’t be civil, I don’t want to see you..
Beauty and attractiveness are in the eye of the beholder. I know tons of “hot” guys who are absolutely ugly because of their selfish, abhorrent personalities. And, I know tons of people who are attractive because of their sense of humor, their intelligence, their confidence, their gifts and talents, how loving and supportive they are, their generosity… and so on. There are guys who have driven me crazy and who I’ve struggled to keep my hands off of because of how adventurous and passionate and loving they’ve been… and they’ve sometimes been guys who could easily initially be overlooked. How they were present in the relationship and there for me made them irresistible. And with them or my ride-or-die friend list of people I’d defend to the end, weight is not a factor that was given any consideration. It shouldn’t for you either.
In short, your boyfriend sounds irresistible. And, your friends sound ugly.
Here is a tip: Don’t make those jokes about yourself for any reason. And don’t give other people permission to say those kinds of things about you or about people you really care about by joking about that kind of stuff about yourself or anyone else. Show them that strength of character or any other meaningful, substantive quality is what matters to you… and that rudeness and judgment about looks is one of the first traits to qualify anyone to be un-invited from your life party. Make sure your reaction is equal to their extreme rudeness. If you haven’t told them in no uncertain terms that they should never say anything like that again, do so now. And make your boundary clear: that if similar things are ever said again that you won’t continue in the friendship… and stick to that. In the meantime, seek out additional friends who better match your values and priorities.
And, don’t give this topic another thought. Don’t pre-introduce your family to him by talking about his looks or weight. Don’t joke about it. Don’t feel insecure about it. Don’t talk about it and give signs of your subconscious discomfort about it. Talk up all of the wonderful ways that he has been there for you, comforted you, made you laugh, encouraged you, etc. Make your love and appreciation for him so so strong that there isn’t room for anyone’s disapproval about his appearance.
Then, later, after you’ve been in the relationship longer and become more comfortable with him, know more about his thoughts on health, know more about his insecurities and struggles, etc., and when you maybe want to try to tackle your health, invite him privately to talk about his health and ask if he would like to try to tackle it together alongside you… as teammates, encouragers, support system, accountability partners, etc.
I’m glad you found each other and connected – especially at such a crucial time in your life. So many women would love to have the type of man who has been there for you and who is present in the relationship like your guy is there for you now. And, I wish you the best together as your love continues to deepen and grow. It sounds like you’ve got a real keeper!
Through the years, I’ve dated a lot of different guys. Some of them were considered by my friends to be really unattractive. Like one guy had acne all over his face. But it was how I felt when I was with him. If I’m attracted to a man’s personality, then I am attracted to that man.
They can only make you doubt your relationship if you let them. So don’t let them.
As to how you respond to comments like “he’s so fat what do you see in him?”
You can respond:
“ I think the bigger question here is, when did you become so unkind?”
It’s respectful, and it puts it back on them. And if they try and make it about him a second time, just say, “I’m not going to do this with you. I’ll talk to you later“ and hang up the phone.
Don’t let someone else’s opinion of the man that means so much to you, taint your view of him. My advice would be much different if he was treating you badly, but we are simply talking about looks here.
And if your family has any comments, you can just say, “oh, I thought you’d want to see me with someone who treats me well, and who I adore, I thought the only thing that mattered to you was that I was happy. And I am happy. I think my mom would have loved him. I hope you will make him feel welcome.“
Trust me, they would be hard-pressed to say some thing after that.
Don’t defend him by listing all of the things that you love about him. Just shut that shit down, respectfully and politely. Let them get to know him, like you did, and let him shine.
Ive always been chubby and I started to date a guy that wasn’t and our relationship didn’t go anywhere after his roommate met me. I knew right away that after I left that his roommate shit talked me because the guy ended things abruptly right after that encounter. Who cares what your friends think. This guy sounds absolutely lovely and like he’d be a wonderful partner. F**k them and their superficial BS.
Girl, you need to 1) lose your “friends”…they aren’t nice and you don’t need that negativity around you. Like I would never judge any of my friends’ so based on weight. I just want them to be with someone who treats them well and makes them happy. 2) Introduce him to your family because they love you and should be happy for you if you are happy. If they aren’t then just move on and focus on your happiness. Life is too short and love is hard to find. ❤️
You honestly shouldn’t care what others are saying as long as you are happy. I know it’s easier said than done, but you need to tell your friend that it’s rude and inappropriate to talk about your partner that way. You should not let people talk badly about him in front of you. You can’t; however, control what they say when you’re not around. All you can do is reiterate his good qualities when they’re being negative.
My partner is tall and has an average weight but is really handsome. I am shorter and significantly fatter. I worried his friends and family would hate me for being fat and not the best looking. His family nor his friends have said anything negative to him about me, and they’ve treated me with nothing but kindness. I am sure if you keep telling people his good qualities, they’ll hopefully overlook what society perceives as negative.
While I think your friend is being rude, I have a strooooooooong feeling that you contributed to this behavior whether you know or not. You yourself even said that he wasn’t your type and he is not conventionally attractive. Which, let’s be honest, is a nice way of saying he is kinda ugly. So, even though you were only able to find a single text message, something in my spirit tells me that you talked a bit more crap about him than you are willing to admit.
But either way you are dating now, so it is up to you to stand by your man regardless of what your friends or family think of his physical traits. Don’t just say “you’re being rude” to your friends you need to say something more like “you’re being rude about my bf. I care for him and I have picked him so I need you to stop making comments about him or I’m going to have to distance myself from you.”
You don’t answer. You block them and leave those nasty fake friends
Those people aren’t your friends-they are mean girl acquaintances. And your family sounds pretty sh*tty too-at least you know so you won’t be shocked-just tell yourself their comments say way more about them than your bf or your relationship
Why are you friends with such assholes?
Pls note that they’re probably saying the same kind of shit about you too.
She’s got issues if this keeps coming up unwarranted, it’s none of her concern because you are obviously fine with his size. She’s being silly. Plus, who even cares if he is fat? My bf has chub, I really couldn’t care less I love him and I think he’s handsome. If you are fine with it then let it be, and probably let this friend go because she making a mountain out of a mole hill here over something that’s none of her concern.
So you have trash friends… who are probably talking the same way about you. Jealousy has odd effects on people. F them all.
Best response:
“And?”
Fuck them. They’re not your friends.
Your friends failed the friend test. Time to make new ones. Maybe they haven’t experienced real love yet? Because this is what love is, accepting fully the other person, shadow side and all, and also including their body shape. If my fiancé lost his arm, I would still love him because he is inside of that body. Since I met him he lost 20 kilo and gained some weight back on his belly. He’s got typically a dad bod now. Is it the most sexy men alive? For other probably not. For me it is. Because he makes the relationship with me. He is the man that is there when things go south, he’s the man that rubs my hair when I feel sad and he’s the guy that comes home early from work to pick up my daughter if I’m caught up. He is the one that I have an incredible connection with, that can make me laugh. We are together because we choose to be together and we choose to be a team. Let others judge their own relationship. You do you. And find new friends !
I feel like a lot of people find someone physically attractive and learn to put up with them. Learning to love things about them. I see it a lot in the dating scene. A lot, not all. I see it everywhere, all the time.
My parents and friends were adamant about pointing out their opinions at first, but I allowed them room and time to see how pleasant my partner truly is. I just thought it was fair to allow them to experience such a fulfilling man. Now they can’t get enough of him!! He is such a lovely, beautiful man. A favorite in the eyes of literally all he encounters 🥰
My family still makes fun of him to me, but the tone has definitely changed from being concerned to wanting an excuse to bring up all his personal traits! They all get really excited about him. I’m really glad they were able to both change their minds and experience his loveliness! I wouldn’t trade that for anything.
lots of “as long as they’re healthy!” bullshit in the comments, and OP i want to emphasize to you:
size is not a moral value.
*health* is not a moral value.
fat people are allowed to be unhealthy. I myself am fat because I am unhealthy – *not* the other way around. and i’ve gotten fatter this year because I’m getting healthier.
every single one of us – fat, skinny, sized somewhere in between – will become disabled at some point, 25% of us earlier than “average”, and that was before COVID hit, which is disabling people at MASS rates.
being fat is concern-trolled with health concerns bc people hate looking at fat people. full stop. your boyfriend’s size and health is not your friends’ (or these commenters’) business. so what if your bf is fat? so what if he’s fat completely of his own volition and no other reason (genetics, hormones, medications, disability/illness, etc)? and? so many people think that if they perceive a fat person to be making an unhealthy choice or choices that gives them free reign to condemn that fat person for their unhealthy choices and their fatness.
no. body positivity includes fat bodies *and* unhealthy bodies, otherwise we leave disabled people in the dust. otherwise we still have conditions for not shitting on the bodies of others (and ourselves).
coming back to your friends, they’re being really sucky about fatness, and they likely perceive you to either be “acceptably fat” bc you’re not “”””TOO big””””, or “not actually fat (bc your shape/face is still conventionally attractive and/or pleasing to the eye”. these friends don’t have a view of bodies and size and shape that is conducive to them feeling good about their own bodies or the people around them feeling good about their bodies.
it’s either time to set some boundaries about how it’s acceptable to talk about your boyfriend – and maybe mention similar boundaries for if you get larger yourself – or it’s time to distance yourself from these friends.