My boyfriend (26M) and I (27M) haven’t discussed a sensitive tattoo on him.

14 comments

1. >TL;DR boyfriend has tattoo of past ex who died. How can I talk to him about it without upsetting him?
   >
   >I just want to understand what happened. I attempted to talk about it but he said “I don’t want to talk about it”

   You have your answer for the moment — ***He doesn’t want to talk about it.***

   You don’t say how long you have been together, but he does not *owe you* a discussion about what had to have been one of the most painful times of his life. At some point, he may want to tell you about it, and then he will. Or he may never want to bring all of that pain back up.

   This is his story to tell, or not to tell, when and if he is ready.

2. He doesn’t want to talk about it. You have to respect that. Don’t ask him again. If he wants to talk to you about it eventually, he will, and in the meanwhile you need to let it go. I get why you’re curious about something so important to him, but this has to be something he handles at his own pace.

3. He’s probably not ready. Why do you need to know now? It’s there, it’s not
   Gonna go away

4. Leave it alone.

   He’s not ready, so leave it be.

5. He’s not going to have the tattoo removed….

6. He’s set a boundary. You know the basics.

   Here’s what I would recommend. On your own, read up on alcoholism, alcohol poisoning, drunkenness behavior, experiences from sober people and how they manage stress, signs to look for when someone has had too much, what to do if you’ve had too much, signs for when your drink has been tampered with, all these things. Not to talk about, not for any reason than to file them away in your brain.

   We all can already guess that if you EVER get blackout drunk it’s the end of your relationship. No apologies, no making it better, it’s done. He clearly has no issue with drinking in moderation. Doing the research will help keep that in perspective for you. It will also enable you to go out and have fun and check yourself and your surroundings. “Hey babe, that table over there is making me uncomfortable, they’re getting progressively more drunk and it’s making me worried. Can we go? Stop by the bar and let them know about them and then get out here?” Something like that will go a long way. It shows that you don’t mind having a drink or two, but people getting drunk is concerning to you and you want to ensure their and both of your safety. Being able to recognize things and have empathy will go a long way in his trusting you with his heart and loss.

7. Honestly? It’s none of your business. Gotta know your place.

8. How long have you two been together? Stuff like that takes time to open up about, even when you’re doing everything right. I think it’s best to let him come to you! 🙂

9. If he’s not ready to tell his story, he’s not ready to tell his story. That’s all you need to know.

10. I strongly disagree with folks telling you “leave it alone” and “you’re not owed an explanation” for the mere fact that your lover’s entire arm memorializes their deceased, former partner. This is not one tattoo, this is not two tattoos, but multiple, glaringly visible, painful, time-consuming, expensive tattoos comprising a shrine of sorts that honors this person, which signals a profound, enduring connection that’s still quite relevant. Your partner not having the mental or emotional capacity to discuss or even minimally mention the death of his old flame tells me he is still deep in throws of grief, still processing that relationship, and, consequently, not yet prepared to fully commit himself to new love. He needs to be single for a while to accommodate the time and space that he needs to heal and process this clearly life-altering loss. Don’t get me wrong, it’s understandable to honor the memory of a deceased romantic partner while being in a new relationship by preserving old pictures of them, holding on to items they once owned, and donning a tattoo that lovingly references them. But what your partner is experiencing-as far as I’m concerned-is unprocessed grief. It’s not fair to you to feel like there’s a ghost or an unseen entity regulating and compromising this relationship. To see that sleeve everyday, representing his former partner without much context is understandably difficult. I get it. OP, it’s possible to hold space, compassion, and understanding for your partner while prioritizing your own needs.

11. You’ve only been together 5mo, so I’d back off until he’s ready. If you press, you will surely push him away. *HE* has to be ready, and I’m sorry, but you don’t get to decide when that is. I have my own trauma, and I don’t talk about it unless I’m in a frame of mind that I am able to. To be frank, shit is hard AF to remember, let alone speak aloud about. He will tell you in time, but that has to be *HIS* choice. I’m sorry, but you’ll have to wait on him to open up.

12. Wow, my husband passed 2/22/23 but due to Congestive Heart Failure at an old age so who different situation. There is a subreddit entitled widowers and many are young, talk of their emotions, dating, and also about their desire to find a lasting love, their fears, etc. That might be interesting for you to look through.

13. I understand you’ve dated only 5 months (fairly short time). I also understand his ex passed away 2/2/22 (very short time ago). What I haven’t seen in your post or replies is how long they were together as a couple before he passed.

    I’m concerned about the speed you may want the relationship to go (excited about this… which is understandable about a new, good relationship and you being very open and loving) based on the other factors you’ve shared. And, I know I am different than some people. But, if I had a long-term ex and he died just 15-16 months ago (with the fact that I felt so strongly about him that I had a huge tattoo placed on my body), it would be hard to picture being with anyone, let alone being fully into a relationship less than a year later. But, we all grieve differently and view relationships differently.

    I just caution you to take things slowly and pay attention to any of the signs that he is giving you…. like the fact that he is not willing or able to talk about the guy yet. I am torn between making sure you just take things slowly and let him tell you about him over time…. and you asking your boyfriend again to gauge where he is in workong through all that happened. And, I think the length of their relationship would be a deciding factor for me. But, either way, I’d be very very cautious because I would fear he has gotten into a relationship before he is fully ready. (But, then again, lots of people do that – whether it be processing death or hurt from a break-up.)

    You know more about him than all of us, and it sounds like he tends to keep his emotional cards close to his vest anyway (or, at least, from what you know in the time you’ve been with him. The trick is being patient and going through a lot more experiences with him to know if this is really the way he is or if this is a reaction to the grief he has gone through and going through).

14. He will tell you the story when he is ready, it’s been 5 months, he isn’t ready. Don’t push yourself to make him decide between you and his lost love. He is already opening up to you because he feels comfortable and safe.