TL:DR I love my wife but I have started to become always annoyed by her and feel like marriage brings out the worst in me.
Hello all, looking for some advice/needing to vent.
My wife and I are both 23. We have been married for two years, and were dating for 2 years before that. I love her so much, and I want to make this marriage work, but I have been really really struggling for the last few months, and I believe that it is my fault, but I don’t know what to do about it or how to handle it.
As the title says, I don’t really feel like myself anymore in my marriage. I first realized this when I noticed a few months ago that I felt much happier when my wife was at work or away with friends (horrible I know 😞). I didn’t know how to handle this feel then, and I still don’t really now. We just got done with a vacation with friends, and I found that when we split off into groups, I always wanted to stay with friends or groups rather than return to hanging with my wife. When I am with my wife, I feel annoyed, not by anything serious, more just things like her personality, which really scares me. When I am with her, I just want to get away 🙁 and I often find myself just wanting to be alone at home rather than spend time with her, which has been hurting her lately and I feel awful.
I want to be clear that my wife isn’t doing anything wrong, and doesn’t deserve to have a husband who doesn’t want to be around her. I love her very much, and this is a big part of why I don’t feel like myself in my marriage. I don’t understand what happened to the love I used to feel. I guess you could say that I still love my wife, but I am not IN love with her. I do not want to have sex anymore, or go on dates, or plan our future, or spend lots of time talking like we used to. She deserves better than that, and I wish I could just force myself to want those things for her sake, but the more I try to force it, the more annoyed and resentful I feel.
Now I know, the obvious solution is to be open and honest with her, and probably consult some help from a third party like a marriage counselor. BUT, how tf am I supposed to look my wife in the face and tell her I think we need marriage counseling because I can’t stand to be around her? How do I do that to her!?! And more than that, how do I learn or force love to be there again? Is that possible? Did I just get married too young and changed over the years? And doesn’t my wife deserve a husband who doesn’t have to force himself and go through great effort to love her?
I am very scared and confused, and I don’t know if this is a normal thing that can be worked on, or if it is a red flag that things may not be meant to be between us.
Has anyone else gone through anything like this? Thank you for reading ❤️
3 comments
Firstly, you got married so very young, which works for some but you’re still figuring out who you are at that stage of life so it’s not uncommon to feel the feels as you change and like or want different things. I want you to know that you CAN feel for her like you did at the start. It’s an effort from both parties though to get there and a conscious change in perspective from you.
You obviously realise therapy is your best option here, but please don’t tell her you want therapy because you can’t stand to be around her… Just tell her you want therapy because you are having doubts about marriage in general. Say you feel withdrawn and not as close to her as you were before… Make it about your issues when you bring it up. Not “you annoy me too much” as why. You can gently bring up that you find things irritating about her that you know you shouldn’t once you’re in therapy though. Also I recommend therapy together because if you go alone you’ll break up for sure because a therapist hearing only one side of a story can’t really effectively treat the issue. (Just my experience) You may actually want to leave though. I don’t know. Good luck.
>Now I know, the obvious solution is to be open and honest with her, and probably consult some help from a third party like a marriage counselor. BUT, how tf am I supposed to look my wife in the face and tell her I think we need marriage counseling because I can’t stand to be around her? How do I do that to her!?! And more than that, how do I learn or force love to be there again? Is that possible? Did I just get married too young and changed over the years? And doesn’t my wife deserve a husband who doesn’t have to force himself and go through great effort to love her?
Like slow the eff down…. is it her being gone that makes you happy or having time to yourself? Cuz really you can still do the things you want to do in life and be married… You just have to be considerate about it or plan it out more and depending on your partner really only sex and romantic relationships with others is off the table.
Also you should probably try counseling for yourself before bringing up marriage counseling unless there are problems in the marriage…. Not problems with yourself.
How about instead of destroying your wife’s confidence in the marriage, you tell her that you want to pick up a hobby that gets you out of the house for some you time?
Like trouble shooting you as the problem first instead of tanking your marriage first is probably the better path to take.
Try individual counseling first. It sounds like the problems are internal rather than being an issue of how you interact with each other.