I (22F) just graduated college after a long , traumatic 4 years which i am only just beginning to unpack. I had a very solid group of friends in high school, we shared lots of interests, hung out a lot, and were quite close. We still talk but are less close now, as I have lived apart from them for the past four years and time has pulled us apart.
when i first got to college i was so excited to live in a city, make new friends, date people, and all the other fun college things one comes to expect. I never could have predicted what those 4 years would have been like for me. To make a long story short, my freshman year roommate spread vicious, unfounded rumors about me without my knowledge. I didn’t find out the full extent of this situation for years. I knew i wasn’t having an easy time making friends, but attributed it to the culture on campus, which admittedly I was not the best match for. However, these rumors were beyond the pale; the worst kind of things that could be said about someone. By the time I had started to figure out what was going on I was a sophomore, and figured I would just keep my head up and let my behavior speak for itself.
Admittedly, by senior year this tactic had begun to take effect. Her lies were so horribly false that people were questioning them, and as I began to make real friends who defended me the lies fell apart even more. However, instead of stopping, she became more determined to spread her lies. This continued throughout the end of senior year. I spent my senior week saddened and afraid of my classmates, although to their credit they largely seemed to be over her. One of my good friends told me that at the senior dance (which i did not attend) she was going around shit talking me. I’m leaving out quite a bit of the story here, but in short: for 4 years I was actively hated and ignored by 95% of my classmates and was often dropped as a friend or outright backstabbed by people I trusted. Fortunately, I graduated with 3 genuine friends who I could lean on, I wouldn’t have survived senior year without them.
All this brings me to now, post-grad. I’d like to start fresh and get an actual social life instead of sitting alone in my room, but I have really no idea how to go about that. I go to activities, I have a job, I get out of the house, and I have some friends in the city. However my friends from college don’t share many of my interests, and I find myself stuck in this loop where I have a bunch of cool events I want to go to, but if I don’t have any friends there I don’t want to go. I actually went to lots of things alone my senior year but didn’t make any connections beyond some basic chitchat, and i’ve gotten to the point where if i don’t have someone to go with i just don’t want to go.
Additionally, I find myself in the inconvenient position of wanting to be in a romantic relationship but having no idea how to go about it. I actually asked som people out on dates last year but there was never a second date. And after having spent so much time alone the idea of just jumping in and dating someone scares me, I need much more slow vibes. So dating apps don’t really work for me. I genuinely tried, but i guess i’m not wired like that.
so i guess what i’m wondering is given my general lack of experience making friends, traumatic social experiences, and utter lack of romantic ability whatsoever, and considering what i’ve already tried, how do I go about building a social circle? I really miss having friends and going out and doing things with them. I hate how stuck I am and didn’t want post grad to be like college. Everyone says it’s harder to make friends in post grad but i already had such a hard time in college that I can’t imagine what to do now. Is there some path forward that i’m missing?
TL;DR : I had a genuinely traumatic college experience and want to have friends I can share interests with and hang out with, but as a result of the last 4 years I have no idea how to make friends, and i’ve tried a lot already. What should I be doing?