I am scarred of a lot of things, which made me miss out on some experiences in life (especially in school and university, I’m 25 right now, PhD student).
What I mean by that?
* I have **never** been to a party while studying. I lived at a dormitory, so there’s been parties on a weekly basis (preferably Thursday evening for some reason). The party was always in a park which belonged to the dormitories, so only students had access to that. Ironically it’s the only place in town where you can drink alcohol outside without hiding. It’s not that I wasn’t invited to go, in fact, I was invited multiple times, even my buddy acknowledging my social anxiety and telling me that i shouldn’t be afraid if I’m with him and his group. I remember, when it was my first day at the dorm (this was even before I began studying), a friend of mine who is super extroverted asked me “Why I wouldn’t go out and check out the party which is going on?”. To this day, I don’t know what he meant by that, simply going alone to a new place?
* I was invited numerous times to birthday parties, watching football (= soccer) matches, going on a concert, 18th birthday parties etc. I always avoided these things, by lying that I’m either ill (one time I unironically took a laxative so I got diarrhea to avoid going to a party), or having problems with my time schedule (like “not being in town due to personal reasons” although I was in town).
* I hate traveling. Even if nothing happens it is super stressful to take the train or bus. I’m also always afraid that there will be rude people, like drunk people. One time it happened in a train and I nearly pissed myself because I was so scared. In general, i have a big fear of drunk people, that’s also one of the reasons why I avoid parties and concerts.
* For some unknown reason, I hate the thought of going to a gym or a sports class. I feel as if I’m surrounded by “Alpha Giga Chads”.
Because of this, my life is pretty restricted. I don’t drink ANY alcohol (as I said, I’m afraid of drunk people and just hate them). I don’t smoke (maybe that’s a positive, but there are people who only smoke at parties aka “social smokers”). I have no interests or hobbies expect Mathematics and Languages (i find books, movies, sitcoms, video games and music BORING). Heck, i am actually aromantic and asexual too.
I think the reason why I have this is partially because of bullying in school when I was around 10-15, this made me paranoid of every human being, and I always assume that they want to harm me to a lesser extend (even if it’s just looking at me in an annoying manner). But even when I was 7 I remember having social anxiety and preffering to stay at home instead of going outside. Yes, I had overprotective parents. My mom still doesn’t let me drive the car alone, despite having driven 100.000km during the last 6 years.
So how did you beat this? Is it social anxiety, or depression? Aspergers? Schizoid? Avoidant personality disorder? I’m confused about myself.
What I want to become: Someone who isn’t afraid of parties and gatherings. Someone who isn’t afraid of traveling. Someone who actually has emotions and likes “simpler things” like video games and all the other stuff I’m indifferent to. Someone who is comfortable even if there is a drunk guy on the train. Someone who is opportunistic and takes the opportunity (example: gym at our dorm, i never used it, my friends regularly used it).
2 comments
Don’t be afraid to fail and make mistakes. Take small steps just outside your comfort zone, f.i. start hanging out with one person for a little time, increase the time and number of people, etc. It gets better.
It is not necessary to do things you don’t find value in, such as alcohol or hanging out with those alpha-gigas that you describe.
I’m 27 and have only recently begun over coming my anxiety. What sparked my change was unfortunately the death of a dear friend. I felt dead inside and I wanted to kill myself but if I did that then everything she ever did for me would have been a waste. At that point I wanted to live more than ever. I wanted to experience life for a change, no more hiding.
I forced myself to socialize even if it was just saying hello to a stranger and no matter how uncomfortable I felt. I’ve only been at it for about 6 months now but I’ve actually made a lot of progress. I still have bad anxiety but now the idea of being “normal” feels realistic to me. However I’ve found that I actually *prefer* to be less social.
Relationships and friendships are a lot of work and I simply don’t have the time to focus on what *I* want to do and what *others* want to do. Parties especially are not as awesome as I expected, I guess I’m a true introvert. This understanding and learning helped me not feel so bad about myself. I no longer felt like I *needed* to be like everyone else.
I have also gotten heavily into calisthenics which has done wonders for my physical and mental health. I learned some workouts from YouTube that require no equipment and can be done in my bed room. I feel strong and I look strong now, seeing my efforts bear fruit has given me the passion and motivation I desperately needed in life. I feel waaaay more confident now too. I’ve still got a long way to go and there are still things that I can’t handle just yet but inch by inch I will get there that I know.
Life with anxiety is immensely difficult and it wears you out. Why can’t people like us function like *normal* people? Why do we feel intimidated and afraid of so many things? Over time anxiety makes us feel pathetic, ashamed, and weak but we are none of those things because even with such a great detriment we continue to progress and defy our fears.