My wife and I have been fighting about this and cannot come to any kind of compromise.
Just giving some backstory/context here:
I’ll get the awkward part out of the way first. My wife has gained 90 pounds in the last 2 and a half years and is a little over 300 pounds now. The last time I was physically attracted to her was over a year ago.
Our sex life has been on the decline. Basically, she never initiates sex and I’m just not really thinking about it so we usually go weeks without it. Eventually she’ll start complaining we haven’t had sex in a while and then I feel guilty and just do it. And it’s not easy. I have to look at porn and edge for a few days before to be able to keep an erection with her.
I don’t think I handled the whole situation well. Basically my whole life I was told never to comment on a womens weight so I never told her how her weight gain was affecting things. I guess I was just hoping she would actually care enough about our relationship and me to actually put some effort in. But that never happened.
Now, for the issue I’m hoping to get advice on. She was mad at me again because we haven’t had sex in a while. Usually she just whines about it, but this time she was actually mad. So I lost my temper and told her I’ve been having sex with her even though I haven’t actually wanted to in over a year. I said I’m not going to do that anymore. If she won’t put any effort in, neither will I.
She feels it’s unfair I won’t have sex with her until she loses weight. But I feel like it’s not fair to expect me to keep doing it even though I don’t want to. Our life and relationship are good otherwise, and I would honestly just be fine with having less or no sex and everything else just continue on.
Is what I asked unreasonable?
Has anyone else been through this? How did you handle it? Did it work out?
tl;dr – told my wife I wont keep having sex when I dont want to, wife feels like that’s unfair to do
7 comments
Sounds like both of you have awful communication. I’d suggest counseling.
You’re communication methods are not very good, perhaps some counselling would help. That being said she can’t possibly not realise that at over three hundred pounds she has become less attractive to you.
get a divorce. youre incompatible
Your wife gained 90! pounds in 2 years and your are only focused on the fact that she is unattractive to you to the point you don’t want to have sex with her?
Cmon dude. Your wife is obese, what happened or changed that led her to the weight gain? If you love her, as a man should his wife, why don’t you dedicate your self to finding out why then bust your ass to help her get back to a healthy weight?
It’s like people get into relationships and just expect shit to be perfect. As with all things in life you need to put in the work.
As a man, I’m telling you you sound selfish as hell.
Oof. This marriage is trash, babe. Throw it out and start again.
Why is it titled as your gf but in your post you call her your wife? A bit confusing.
I mean, I think its very dependent on the specific phrasing if you were rude or not because its a very fine line between “I’m not as attracted to you as I used to be” and “Youre fat and ugly now”. Honestly I wouldnt be guilted into sex though, sounds like that will just breed resentment because you feel forced into it and she still has the knowledge you find doing it like a chore and dont actually enjoy it