Background info: I’m a 35F and this is my dad’s second marriage. He got married to his deceased brother’s widow 8 years ago. I grew up with her as my aunt, and she’s always seemed to have an issue with me. She would say racist things to me, and would brag about her oldest daughter to me (who is about 3 years younger than I am). Snide comments, passive aggressiveness…that type of thing. When they got together, more of her passive aggressiveness came out and I spoke up to my dad and told him I didn’t like the way she talked to me. He responded with, “grow up. You offend her with your potty humor jokes.” Years and years have passed, and her not-so-subtle mistreatment of me continues; in front of him, in front of my other family members. Everyone. Her tone of voice changes when she talks to me, she avoids eye contact with me, and doesn’t include me in conversations.
Flash forward to my dad’s birthday— she texted me and invited me to a birthday celebration on a day I thought I was busy. I told her I wouldn’t be able to make it that day, and reached out to my dad to get dinner with him on his actual birthday instead. He agreed and said that sounded good. I realized my mistake a few days later and messaged both of them and told them I could come to both celebrations. She responded and said “let’s just keep things the way they are.” In other words, she was uninviting me to the family celebration over the weekend and saying I should just get dinner with my dad on his birthday (and she invited herself). I played dumb and said I can come to both, and mentioned that I’d enjoy spending the extra time with my dad. She responded by saying that he only wants to celebrate one time, over the weekend, and canceled our dinner on his actual birthday.
The family celebration (with her kids) was yesterday, and naturally she was demeaning to me and acted like I wasn’t there. At some point, she mentioned that she and her kids had “a little party” for my dad on his birthday in a casual conversation with one of her kids that didn’t come to the “little party.” I had called my dad on his birthday and he said he didn’t do anything for his birthday and didn’t do anything special. I’m guessing when I called him, her kids (my cousins) were over. So…it seems he lied to me.
I’m basically at a loss for what to do. My priority has been trying to maintain a relationship with my dad, but I’m constantly being mistreated by my aunt and excluded. My dad isn’t easy to talk to about emotional stuff – he tends to explode or shut down. I guess I’m wondering what I should do. I’m a therapist, as well, so my gut tells me that I need to confront her on her treatment of me, as it’s totally disrespectful. I also think I need to talk to my dad about just trying to see him without her and her kids. I’ve tried pretty hard to spend time with her and her kids but I keep getting burned.
I was also curious how prevalent this is— stepmom’s treating their stepdaughter’s shittily. I mean, stepmoms have a bad rap for a reason…right?
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TLDR; my stepmom treats me like crap in front of everyone, my dad never says anything, and I’m trying to figure out a way to maintain a relationship with my dad without having to deal with his wife.
7 comments
Any option to only keep dinners with dad? No family things she organizes?
You should wonder why you’re putting in the work if your dad isn’t. This isn’t you vs your stepmom, even if it seems this way. You both have valid reasons to be there, but if he doesn’t want to make the effort it’s not her fault. Start with him. Can always confront her later if it really is necessary.
No advice. This just completely reminds me of my stepmum too. I went no contact with my dad as he never had my back growing up.
Honestly? Just stop. Stop making the first move. Stop being the one to put in all the effort. Stop.
If he cares about a relationship with you, he’ll reach out.
Waiting will fucking suck. But as a therapist, I think you already know how this will go, and that’s why you keep letting this woman hurt you just to have this facade of a relationship with your father.
>I’m a therapist, as well, so my gut tells me that I need to confront her on her treatment of me, as it’s totally disrespectful. I also think I need to talk to my dad about just trying to see him without her and her kids. I’ve tried pretty hard to spend time with her and her kids but I keep getting burned.
One therapist to another, what’s stopping you from doing these things?
Suppose you broke these down into individual challenges:
– confront her
– talk to dad
– spend time with her and her kids
Which one is the most important to your life and well being right now? If you had to pick one of these tasks to start on, which one would you pick? What is the worst thing that could happen by doing that one thing? What are you really hoping to get out of that one thing?
If this is the best that it gets between you and your dad, where does that leave you?
>I was also curious how prevalent this is— stepmom’s treating their stepdaughter’s shittily. I mean, stepmoms have a bad rap for a reason…right?
Not really sure if this rabbit hole is relevant to you and your situation.
My stepmother hated me until my father died. She is no longer on speaking terms with my brothers who tired of her games. I am his only child who will still speak to her.
I don’t believe there is a way for you to win this battle. She hates you because you’re his daughter.
I struggled with this same thing. And I never called her step mother. She had no part in my raising. She was my dad’s wife.
To be honest, I stopped a lot of interactions with my dad due to her. I regret that. At least in my situation, confrontation never helped. Her vitriol would just multiply.
Stop trying to have a relationship with her. Her problems with you aren’t based on anything real that you do. She sees you as a rival and a reminder that she wasn’t your dad’s only wife. It’s not rational. The only thing that continued conciliation attempts with her are going to accomplish is driving your dad further away because he’s going to see it as the only way to peace. He’s already made his mind up that you’re the one causing problems and he’s willing to believe your stepmom over you. Anything you do to drive a wedge between them will be taken out of context by her and potentially agreed to by him as the cause of their unhappiness.
My advice is to minimize contact with her and your cousins, just enough to keep the peace. Gray rock her as much as you can while you’re around her but still give minimal effort to being civil and even politely, distantly friendly if you can stomach it. If you have a social media account that your dad or she has access to, make a replacement and move any real activity to that and make the old social media account just be to communicate with them. Don’t give out the new one to your dad – she’ll get access, too. (Very trusted family who understand your situation and who back you completely might get access but be prepared to burn that account too.) Talk almost exclusively with your dad by phone, email, or in person and be prepared to have alternative celebrations for everything from now on. Prioritize family events and holidays that are important to you or your dad and let the others go by. Don’t argue with him about her for a long while (6 mos is probably okay) and then very, very little after that. Repeat this often to whomever is around “if he’s happy, I’m happy.”
If she’s as horrible to him as she is to you, then turning you into the enemy of her new family will be used distract him from seeing it consciously or unconsciously. If she makes him happy and the only way not to lose that and not having a loving wife is to minimize time with you, I hate to say it but it’s his choice to make and he’ll probably come to regret it but only if he sees the cause as her.