TL;DR: In a long-distance relationship for 3 years, fell in love with a younger boy when I was younger. Despite loving each other deeply, our compatibility issues have become apparent. The pandemic made distance irrelevant, but limited our physical time together. Recent realization reveals he may not be who I thought he was, and our future visions differ significantly. Doubts about our compatibility and sacrificing personal goals have arisen. We are deeply in love but incompatible, raising questions about the value of the relationship.
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I have been in a long-distance relationship for 3 years. When it started, I had just graduated and was focused on exploring and doing what I wanted. I fell in love with a boy 2 years younger than me. We started when I was 21 and he was 19. I’ve had many past relationships, but I’ve never loved anyone as intensely as him. Despite hating long-distance relationships, I gave it a shot.
Our relationship began during the pandemic, so proximity didn’t make a difference since I rarely left home due to my immunocompromised parents. He also lived with his parents. The distance made things challenging, with him needing permission from his parents and the 5-hour travel from my place to his. In the past 3 years, we’ve only spent 41 days together, roughly 1 day per month. So… most of our interactions happened online.
2 weeks ago, we spent 5 days together at a resort to celebrate our 3rd anniversary. It was an opportunity to discuss topics we had always wanted to talk about in person. We enjoyed the view. We had movie marathons… But something became clear to me. He may not be the person I thought he was. Online interactions often present our best selves, filtering out the negatives. I suspect he did that. (I may have done so unconsciously too.)
During our last 2 days together, I found myself quietly processing this realization. I always struggled to envision a future with him. Graduating early as an advanced student, I adjusted my expectations since he was only a freshman when we started. Discussing our life goals, he often replied with uncertainty, saying “I don’t know yet,” which I understood. He isn’t a bad boyfriend, but on the shore, when talking about the future, he expressed a lack of inclination towards planning. As an overachiever who finds motivation in planning, I don’t think he can fulfill that role. (THIS AMONG OTHER THINGS!)
Now, after 2 weeks, I’m beginning to doubt our future. He is no longer the life partner I envisioned. While we desire similar things, our timelines differ significantly. The achievements I hope for in 5 years, he expects in 10+ years. I don’t believe he is the right person for me. We’ve had video calls to discuss this, but he hasn’t been able to figure things out. I REALLY don’t want to pressure him, but a void exists between us since that conversation on the beach.
He loves me, and I can see it. I love him deeply too. In fact, I’ve considered giving up marriage and children because he won’t be able to provide them within the next 5 years. This led me to question if enduring the challenges of a long-distance relationship is worthwhile if we can’t envision a shared future.
We are deeply in love, yet highly incompatible.
Any thoughts?
5 comments
Sounds like you experienced the common issues of being incompatible. You have a higher expectation of life goals and want to move quicker/more assured than he does. Neither of you is “wrong”, you’re just “wrong” for each other. Like you said, it being an LDR made it easier to mask or ignore the differences but they became apparent once together. This is why I highly highly recommend couples live together before moving on to something more serious like engagement and marriage.
It’s okay, the relationship just isn’t meant to be.
The relationship worked when it worked. Now you are out of the pandemic bubble and thinking about the future again and seeing things in a different light. You two were deeply compatible when you needed each other and that time seems to have passed. Be grateful for the love you two shared. In a time of darkness, you had the joy of new love! But it wasn’t a love that was made to last. I think it was a very successful relationship with an expiration date. You just didn’t realize it at the time
You are each not in love with each other, but with the *idea* of each other. Spending 5 days actually together, even in a vacation setting, revealed that. That doesn’t mean either of you are bad people. But you need to let this relationship go so you will have space for any new one.
I was in a similar situation and I had gotten into a long distance relationship during the pandemic. We had a great time and we did love each other, and we got along better than any relationship I had had previously. When the world opened up I started thinking more realistically and he had no idea what he wanted to do with his life. I was scared of having to take care of someone, especially internationally. I don’t regret being in that relationship at all. I get to keep those fun memories and he made my life better when I needed it to be. We weren’t compatible long term and thats okay. Some things aren’t sustainable but you will find something that is.
A life partner isnt going to be someone perfect, but someone you can survive the dolrums with, the person you can call your ride or die. The person who won’t kiss your ass, the person who drives you to be better and is there when you fail to pick you back up. Perfect doesn’t exist, but you need to look at the person everyday and be ok with the fact that people change and who they are today may not be entirely the same person in ten years.
Marriage can be hard because of that change.
The first thing to a successful marriage and a life long commitment is honest communication, relax though, you’re 25. Don’t rush life, enjoy the unknown while it exists. Life eventually sets upon you responsibility you cannot easily escape.