My question is: am I out of mind for continuing to see someone who wants me to be my most attractive and self-confident self?
He is really into fashion and self-care, who wants to help me improve on my appearance. He never comments on my weight and only compliments my curves and encourages me to work out to get fitter and healthier. He will give me feedback on the clothes I wear, how they may not match or not appropriate for our outings. For example, he noticed I wear wear work clothes during the weekends.
I’ve never had high self-esteem or felt confident about my appearance and invested time into curating my closet or improving my skincare. So I feel like this relationship is motivating and beneficial. He wants to help me improve my self-respect and self-confidence, but I wonder the changes he identifies I need to make is counterproductive? He checks in to see if his honesty and feedback is welcome or not and reminds me it comes from a place of helpfulness if I want it.
Currently we’re close FWB who spend a lot of time together which I don’t mind. The sex is the best I’ve ever had. Though we have gone on dates, he has alluded to us being a more public thing, like me meeting his work friends, once I level up and get more fashionable. (He works in fashion.)
TLDR; The man I’m casually seeing sees the potential for me to level up my style and appearance. I welcome his help but I wonder if his approval and encouragement isn’t the best path for me to improve my confidence and appearance.
28 comments
>The man I’m casually seeing sees the potential for me to level up my style and appearance.
“The man I’m casually seeing is putting conditions on other people’s acceptance of me and will only allow me to meet important people in his life once I meet HIS standards.”
FIFY.
>The man I’m casually seeing sees the potential for me to level up my style and appearance.
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>he has alluded to us being a more public thing, like me meeting his work friends, once I level up and get more fashionable.
translation — he likes having sex with you, but wants you to change your looks for his benefit, because you are not currently at an acceptable level to be his arm candy.
also — “hotness potential”. — gross
Embrace the advice you find beneficial, but I wouldn’t advise you ‘level up’ a relationship with a man who sees you as a project and doesn’t believe you’re worthy of that yet, because he hasn’t had enough time to work on your appearance. That’s a bit too shallow and condescending to be anything like a healthy foundation. He’s treating you like an accessory, not a partner.
He may be a great FWB for a while, but this behaviour isn’t what I’d look for, or accept, in a serious partner. If he’s stuck in the role of coach or mentor with you, then his support is conditional on you *accepting his authority*, meeting his expectations for change and ‘keeping up with the Jones’.
While that might be beneficial enough and lovely in a friendship — where you can keep some boundaries and take some distance as needed — that is not what I’d want in a partner. You are right to recognize that is probably not a good thing, long term, for your confidence to put too much stock in his judgment of you.
This sounds like a person with some great advice and knowledge. A person who can you can value and have fun with, but maybe not a person you should put any personal fragility or vulnerability into the hands of.
This man would annoy the absolute goblin shit out of me. He sounds exhausting and shallow, and the comment about not being around his people until you “level up” your fashion game would have me crawling out of my skin. If you’re fine being warped into his fashion doll, more power to you. But he’s not building your confidence, I don’t think. Confidence would be you accepting and embracing who you are on your own terms, whatever that looks like, not changing to meet his standards
Did I just reread a Brett Easton Ellis book?
What?
OP – live your life. But consider this: he is being controlling.
“Once I level up and get more fashionable”
Hahahahah, what a manipulative little asshole, trying to gamify this.
This man seems to be trying to teach you to being happy and thankful for him criticizing you and tearing your self-esteem apart.
Just because he says it will be good for you, doesn’t mean it’s true.
If he actually wanted to help you out with your self-respect he should respect you as who you are. Right now it seems like he wants you to be his doll to dress-up as he wants.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You don’t have “hotness potential”, you have hotness. He’s just not tuned to your actual current hotness, and would rather tune you to his preferences than accept and cherish you as you are.
Up to you whether you want to invest more time in this, or invest time in finding someone who’s already tuned to you as-is.
I hope you find happiness with someone who can give you everything that comes with a full committed relationship.
Keep up going to the gym, getting healthy, dressing well, etc, but I would stop seeing this guy. At the very least stop sleeping with him, and save that for someone who can commit to you as you are.
Say it with me: “Bodies by Jason” https://youtu.be/GH-oJGZKmq8
1. How does his behavior make you feel?
2. Does he make you doubt your confidence and appearance?
3. Is he a hypocrite? Is he acting the same way that he expects you to act? Does he work out as much as he suggests that you work out? Does he dress to a standard that he expects you to dress up?
4. Do you feel healthier due to the exercise?
5. Do you feel more confident?
6. If you told him to stop, will he?
EDIT: I’ve been in relationships where my partner encourages me to read more, exercise, dress better, and take on more hobbies, and I’ve felt better for it. If you feel bad or uncertain, which is the reason you made this post, then you should think really hard about whether or not this is a beneficial relationship.
My question is, is that who you are? Are you someone that wants to be the way he’s training you to be?
>he has alluded to us being a more public thing, like me meeting his work friends, once I level up and get more fashionable.
i.e. once he won’t suffer embarrassment being seen with you by people he knows. That is what this means.
Like, I’m very solidly a jeans, t-shirt and casual shoes kinda guy. If I was dating a girl that wanted to dress me up like a Ken doll, I would be like, na, that ain’t me. This is me. Take it or leave it.
I’d like a FWB who will also help me with fashion, appearance, etc. But I would NOT like these qualities in a SO. Take what benefits you, what you like. Leave the rest of the b.s. behind.
So you’re good enough to fuck but he won’t be seen in public with you?
What a rewarding relationship /s
I mean, I think it’s one thing to have a FWB who has a specific expertise and can help you out when you ask–he works in fashion, if you feel like that’s something you could use an expert opinion on go for it–and another to be sleeping with someone who is basically saying, right now you are not good enough and I am the #1 expert on how you could be better.
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I would not be ok with someone who had appointed himself the boss of improving me, and the whole “maybe we can be official but only when you are better according to me” thing is disgusting.
Does he really think he’s being helpful?
Or does he simply feel that if he changes you into some version he for some reason doesn’t have or thinks he doesn’t have and won’t go for, then you’ll fulfill him?
If you’re not enough for him, that’s on him, not you. What matters first and foremost is are you enough for yourself?
he’s negging you. or he’s embarrassed to be seen in public with you officially with your current appearance, and wants you to “upgrade” yourself before people in his life meet you. especially because the fashion industry is shallow and image focused.
it’s so insulting and disrespectful to you, and he knows he can get away with it bc your self esteem. it’s also a hallmark of emotionally abusive and controlling behavior.
he doesn’t deserve your time or access to your body.
>He wants to help me improve my self-respect and self-confidence,
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> he has alluded to us being a more public thing, like me meeting his work friends, once I level up and get more fashionable. (He works in fashion.)
Hahahaha no he doesn’t want that. Because this is the literal last thing someone should do to help anyone improve their self-confidence: tell them they are not good enough as they are. He is literally doing the *opposite* of what he says he’s doing.
I do agree though, you need to improve your self-respect. AND STOP DATING ASSHOLES.
(By all means, use him for fashion advice. But don’t date people who think you’re not good enough.)
Tell him you’re already 98°f, so if you get any hotter, it means you’re sick.
>I welcome his help but I wonder if his approval and encouragement isn’t the best path for me to improve my confidence and appearance.
Probably not. Figure out how to be confident on your own without needing another person’s approval. Your FWB may be a fine person, but this all sounds very shallow. How far will this go, and will his approval ever really come?
Follow your gut, but this really feels like it’s setting you up to fail.
As someone who also has struggled w my fair share of insecurity, I can tell you this is not the guy for you. You need someone who uplifts you and makes you feel beautiful. He is not that guy. He is controlling and manipulative and is trying to mold you into his perfect trophy gf. Don’t let him–You deserve better! Also, fashion, makeup, etc. is all subjective. If you’re dressed inappropriately for an event, that’s one thing but to try to change your style is absolutely absurd
I don’t even need to read this to know you need to work on your self esteem.
This sounds like a controlling BF and he’s just a FWB.
I grimaced reading this.
I’ve actually seen the reverse happen a few times. A woman dating a guy who can’t dress to save themselves, and the woman gets the guy dressing better, with better hair & general style, then ~bam~ suddenly they are now a couple.
For me, however, I would feel like I am in a very conditional relationship, and that if I were to either be unable to maintain the style changes or just decide one day they aren’t my style, the relationship would end. I would also be very put out by a circle of “friends” for which I have to achieve a certain appearance before I can meet them. Let’s be honest: these are likely all as superficial/vain people as your current fwb. Maybe you want that for yourself?
I do feel like by your 30s you should be getting to know yourself better & be happier with yourself, as opposed to still making yourself fit in for others. Also, getting guidance on how to dress (unless I actively sought it out) would make me feel like someone playing dress up with a doll. I prefer to be connected with people based on more internal qualities.
A romantic partner who sees you as a project will never stop criticizing, no matter how hot or perfect you become.
r/beauty has tons of good ideas for a glow up if that’s what your looking for. Date someone who thinks you’re hot now.
Depending on how you feel about it, you can pick and choose which advice you could feel is useful to you and what you could leave. It’s not always a bad/controlling thing to have a constructive outside perspective, if you feel receptive. However, I’d keep it a FWB thing and not “level it up” with him.
if changing your appearance and wardrobe are something you have interest in doing, i wouldn’t suggest letting a man who doesn’t want to go out in public with you until you change yourself be the person who inspires you to make this change. you’d be better off exploring fashion subreddits on reddit rather than letting him try to force you to look the way that he wants you to, especially since you’re not even together. please don’t let him deceive you into thinking this is only coming from a place of caring on his end.
Women do this all the time in “trying to fix guys.” It was even an episode of Happy Endings season 2 episode 12 when Casey Wilson’s character tries to change the way a guy she met at the bar talks, dresses, and furnishes his apartment.
Society is fine with this because “guys are immature and need to grow up,” or “lack grooming habits” but if OP has no fashion sense and her FWB is helping her improve her looks, he’s a jerk for “trying to change her.”
This guy never comments on her weight and compliments her curves. Nothing dickish there.
“Once I level up and get more fashionable” is the line people take issue with, because it’s a pretty dick thing to say. Are these his words, or is OP paraphrasing?