Every guy I date is hung up on their ex, and I’ve never been an ex who someone has been hung up on
I have no luck in dating and I don’t know what to do
I had a breakup a year ago with a man 30 m who had never taken me on a date. I thought he wasn’t over his exes, but all of the people I dated before him also weren’t over their exes. I felt doomed. My ex said he dated me because he was lonely, and never loved me, and it’s taken me over a year to get over it when we only dated for 6 months.
Finally, I’ve been talking a guy on a dating app for the past month. Trying not to get attached, but really enjoying our conversations and building a little connection. Last night we we chatting before I went to bed, talking about what were going to do for our first date. It made me smile. He complimented me lots, and sent me pictures of his day
I texted my friend last night too ‘I’m finally going on a date!’ She told me she was so pleased for me and told me ‘don’t worry, you can’t think everyone’s going to ghost you, he seems like a good one.’
This morning, I just woke up all happy to open his text message to be shocked as it says ‘I’m really sorry to have to say this, but I’m going to come out the dating scene as I’m not over my ex and need to heal. You seem such a wonderful woman and deserve someone great. I wish you the best.’
I’ve been crying so much this morning, it was the first time I felt a hint of something after breaking up with my ex. And I’m 28 and can’t find anyone who isn’t over their ex and can even go on a date with me. I’m really scared for the future and whether I will never find someone because of this
I still miss my ex but I’m ready to date now. I feel like I am running out of time. It’s just heartbreak and disappointment. I can’t even get a date, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Even my ex it didn’t take him a second to find someone else and never spoke to me again like I was nothing
All my friends are getting married and having kids. I can’t even find a man who is even remotely interested in going on a date. Even if they initially seem so interested
I’m happy single and independent but I don’t want to be the perpetually single one in my friends group. I want a healthy relationship
Every single guy I’ve dated and there must be around 15 have not been over their ex
*tldr thought I’d met a genuinely lovely man on hinge and yet again they’re not over their ex*
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So in terms of practical advice there seems to be a mismatch between what you think you are presenting to the world and what you actually are. We tend to attract the same level that we put out so you aren’t living up to the requirements of what an emotionally open and ready to date man will be looking for. This could be a variety of things really from being too/ not focused enough on looks as your primary “selling point”, to being competitive rather than collaborative on dates to over communication etc. It’s hard to know for sure without knowing you, but the good news it that there are things you can do to work it out:
1. Make a list of all the personal attributes you are looking for in a man. Not things like height and salary etc, more things like has an open and proactive communication style, kind, generous with his time, motivated, doesn’t make cruel jokes etc.
2. Go through this list 1 by one and create a sister list with the type of characteristics someone with that characteristic will be looking for in a woman. I.e. proactive communication style will want someone who is good at maintaining emotional stability when facing constructive criticism etc.
3. (This is the hard one) Go through that list and be brutally honest with yourself on where you do/ don’t match that list. If you’re having trouble with this ask a trusted friend or two for some advice (one who you know will be honest and not just gas you up).
4. Make a tangible plan to work on the things which are missing from that list. Aim to take them one at a time and try and make a plan to build a new habit for each. So if we take the above example of if you are emotionally reactive to criticism practice for 14 days actively seeking out other people’s advice on how you can improve certain less emotionally difficult issues and then build up. For example you could start with asking a colleague for advice on an email you’ve written or a friend on cooking a certain dish. Sit in the discomfort and make yourself learn the difference between your ego reacting and actual offensive behaviour.
I promise that working on yourself in this way over the course of a year will mean that a good man will probably just find you without you even needing to try. You will also get better in your other relationships and career if you learn to apply this method to basically anything you want to achieve
Good luck!
Dating is hard work. And it’s mostly disappointing. That is what it is.
You’re not doomed. You’ve had slightly below average luck recently. If you let that become a story where you tell yourself are doomed, then you will be. Your chosen narrative will doom you.
You need to improve your screening, and your resilience to disappointment and rejection. The goal should be to *get rejected*, or do the rejecting, quickly.
A month is too long to be chatting online with someone without meeting. When it lingers like that the risk of disappointment and crossed wires increases drastically.
If finding a healthy relationship is something you are ready for and looking for, make it your part-time job. Use all your channels and apps and let your friends know you’re open to being set up. If you’re talking to someone and they aren’t open to planning a date after a week or so of chatting, then that means they aren’t interested or aren’t available, and you move on.
You cannot control other people’s shit, and they have a lot it. You can only control yours. There are no promises in life, but there is more or less unhappiness. Don’t choose more unhappiness for yourself will bullshit stories like ‘everyone is hung up’ and ‘ I will never find someone’. These are lies that are going to drag you down. The truth is ‘It’s really rough out there’ and ‘I might not find what I want, but I’m excited to try, in a way that keeps me healthy and happy.’
You need to vet people better. You shouldnt be waiting a month to meet. You shouldn’t be doing all the work and letting a guy coast. I don’t mean to be harsh, but you need to set your standards and stick to them.
I’m seeing a lot of doom and gloom and “he said x so it means y, right????” Instead of being comfortable with yourself and comfortable with being *alone.*
Desperation leads to making bad decisions that don’t serve your long term goals. And apps are a numbers game, so again, learn the red flags in profiles, the red flags when texting, and how not to get invested in people early.
Big city dating is really hard! I’m in NYC, I feel you. You are not running out of time at all. 30 is really just the beginning, not the end I imagine you think it is.
If you are truly happy being single, take the time to focus on yourself and your life. From what you’ve written you sound like you’re rushing towards a goal of “being a wife and having kids”. Now it’s perfectly okay to feel both independent but also want to share your life with a partner but maybe consider if any of your actions and interactions could be perceived as signalling desperation?
You can be the most attractive person on the planet but desperation can be a strong reason you aren’t viewed in the same light as an emotionally available or long term partner would be. It can also make people fail to recognise their own value and what they do and don’t find acceptable in relationships.
In general, online dating isn’t easy but don’t stress about it and focus on it too much, I hope it works out for you
It could be that you have not been paying attention to the Female – Male dynamic in early dating, like you can be great and still scare guys away by not letting them lead. There is a dating coach you can watch for free on YouTube called Matthew Hussey, that’s pretty good at explaining this.
This might be an unpopular opinion, but as a very self-sufficient woman, I had to understand this to succeed in my dating.
I am your age and have felt what you’re feeling. My situation was I went through a string of intense situationships with men who would treat me like a serious girlfriend while also telling me they had no feelings and we were strictly casual. It really messed me up for a while and left me confused and desperate to know why I wasn’t good enough for someone to actually like me. I have been there at that last minute cancelled date where it felt like the world was caving in.
The truth of it is, it’s not personal. It’s just not. Men being hung up on their exes is a coincidence and not a statement about you as a person. It has nothing to do with your character or something inherently wrong with you. It just wasn’t the match. There will be men, or already have been men, that were interested in you and you weren’t interested back – it’s not personal! It didn’t mean you hated them or didn’t think them worthy of a relationship. It just wasn’t the match.
My advice is to listen to a few dating podcasts, not for advice but because it is really cathartic to listen to people going through the same thing. I like U Up? (bad name, good show), and Finding Mr. Height on TikTok (she also has a podcast, and a very healthy mindset). My other advice is therapy, not to fix something wrong with your dating life, but to prevent a negative experience turning into a downward spiral wondering what’s wrong with you. I’m about to do the same for the same reason!
Yeah. Women fuck us up.
Well there’s like five emotionally available men per region so…