TLDR: My BF thinks im too friendly with other guys and wants me to cut off any conversation with them. Am I being stubborn, or Im just not seeing this correctly from his perspective?
My (27F) boyfriend (28M)and I have been together for 6 years now. It hasnt been an easy relationship, but one thing we always fight about is how I always talk to guys. For context, he would always find me talking to guys (classmates, now workmates) and he would suspect that something is going on when in fact there is none.
Even if it was just a classmate where our convo would be about group projects, he would go off and it would be a full blown argument to the point that he even compared me to his ex saying that “my ex had a lot of guy friends, but never did I get jealous over those friends.”
It had me thinking too – was I overly friendly in my messages? Did I lead them on? Was there anything in my messages that would suggest anything more?
We would fight. Get over it. Then another fight would ensue involving another guy because i was “too friendly” or “shared too much” or “entertained him”. In my defense, I was only responding to the messages and tried to keep things civil. They all know that I have a boyfriend. It would start with completely civil conversations and he would get mad because as the conversation drags on I would be “friendlier” and no longer “civil”. Then he would force me to cut off any conversation and the cycle would repeat itself.
In my eyes I saw the subject conversations were nothing more but friendly exchanges. I know for a fact that nothing more will happen. However, he sees them as me entertaining other dudes.
In the end when we fight, he wants me to cut off any and all kinds of conversation with random guys. He points that he never ever makes any kind of conversation with any female but I find it suffocating for him to impose something like this. I appreciate that he doesn’t do anything that would raise any kind of suspicion, but why do I need to act the same? We are two different individuals and we show love differently – I may not be seeing things the way he wants it. Can you guys help me out on this? Am i being too friendly indeed? Is there a better to approach this?
7 comments
He’s clearly stated his boundaries. You can respect them, or move on with your life.
You find it suffocating for him to impose rules on you — of course you do, that’s not what happens in a loving relationship. You are an independent person who can interact freely with other people. Please don’t let him convince you that he gets to decide for you. You know that’s wrong.
This sounds exhausting. Half of the world is “random guys.” This behavior won’t change, do you want to defend talking to coworkers, family friends, fathers of kids’s friends, forever?
You should be able to have normal conversations about whatever with the people around you – some people maintain an idea that you can’t be friends with the opposite sex, that you shouldn’t talk with them alone or w/e, I think that’s bonkers as if all we have to offer one another is sex. There are places where this is an insecurity issue and he needs to come up with ways to deal with that, or it is just a fundamental misalignment of worldviews and you have to consider what’s worth it.
I am sure he will tell his next girlfriend that he didn’t have problems with his ex talking to other people and it’s something that *she* is doing wrong
I would probably insist he see a therapist to explore his insecurity. Stop enabling him to use controlling you as a way of self soothing his own anxiety. Your bf has a personal problem he needs to address and won’t be the kind of trusting partner you want until he addresses.
I’m just going to say this.
I’m in a happy relationship where I trust my partner and he trusts me. We never fight about what you’re fighting about, as he views me as a person and not a sexual object. When I speak to a person of the opposite sex, he thinks I’m talking to a person and being nice and doesn’t turn into a jealous fuck over it.
So that being said, now that you know that that sort of relationship is possible………….. Is this relationship what you want, or would you like to go find a person that treats you the way my partner treats me? There are loads of men out there that *aren’t* totally insecure, who you won’t fight with all the time.
Around 50% of the population is male. Your partner is asking you to somehow avoid 50% of the human population on this planet. It’s an insane thing to ask of anyone. So you have three options:
1. Do the insane thing and cater to him
2. Tell him that it’s an insane thing and he needs to get therapy for his insecurity and wait for him to stop asking insane things of you…. Or?
3. Leave and find someone who doesn’t make insane requests of you.
You’re 27. Don’t wait until you’re in your late 30’s or beyond to make that decision.
Don’t date people who are controlling