Long story short my parents had a toxic relationship while I was growing up where my mom projected her insecurities onto my dad to the brink of jealousy and losing almost all of their mutual friends. And I found out the day before my graduation last month that my dad is planning to divorce my mom and move out.
Throughout studying in college I hadn’t been aware of what my brother (21F) and sister (28F) had to go through in terms of having to sneak out to have dinner with my dad to intervening in relentless verbal abuse and accusations from my mom towards my dad. So both my siblings are very untrustworthy and no longer that close with my mom. And my sister told me after she received 5 missed calls from my mom thinking it was an emergency when it was just to catch up over dinner to not feel bad for my mom or don’t believe the things my mom tells me and that she’s a horrible person.
I want to believe her. And I know my mom did terrible things to my dad and isolated him from his family. But I can’t help but cry and feel bad that one, my parents are divorcing and my mom might be moving 20 hours away in another state. And two, when I’ve visited home occasionally these past few weeks my mom has been affectionate and vulnerable towards me and loves me like her own daughter like normally. She never oversteps my boundaries or badmouths my dad with me the way she does with my sister to the point of my mom’s number being blocked. She would treat me to food and we’ll just talk for 5 hours in my bedroom about family history and where we wanna vacation someday and how much she still loves me even if I’m gay and many other things. And that she’ll miss me and that she’s accepted everything that’s happening.
I guess she’s just different with me because I haven’t been home often and so it feels like with things happening now, we might not see each other for even longer. My brother still lives with her while my dad lives an hour away from them, but my brother and mom hardly talk aside from chores so my mom is alone most of the time. And I can’t help but just cry and feel terrible for her because I feel like I’m the only one she looks to and she feels like the rest of my siblings no longer love her (for understandable reasons).
I want to hate her, I want to believe my brother and sister that she’s a terrible person, but I can’t bring myself to distance myself emotionally from her. If I’d been home more often perhaps I’d feel differently. I can’t help but cry thinking about how alone she felt in the middle of the Walmart asking my sister if she’d like to have dinner with her to no avail.
TL;DR: I’m conflicted as to whether to cut my mom off for what she did even though she’s been nothing but a loving mother towards me
4 comments
Your mom is a complex person just like everyone else, and she can both be horrible to your siblings or your dad but nice to you. Someone can be a horrible wife but a good mom, you know?
I don’t think you have to take sides here. If she’s a supportive person in your life then she can keep being in your life. Absolutely support your siblings, listen to them, believe them. If they set a boundary with your mom, don’t try to talk them out of it or become some sort of mediator. Uphold their boundaries and don’t exchange any info they don’t want exchanged. And be on the lookout so that if your mom starts the same behavior with you, you can shut it down quickly.
But if she continues to be nice: keep hanging out with her. Maybe over time you can talk about stuff with her and make her realize that her toxic relationship habits bled all over the family and maybe therapy would be nice. Maybe a therapist can be the person she processes her divorce with instead of her children, yanno? Maybe your relationship with her can help her pick up more healthy habits.
She’s lovebombing you so you don’t cut her off like her other kids.
Also just because she’s being good now, does not mean it’s going to last.
It’s only going to last for as long as she thinks she doesn’t have your support. Once she feels she has your support and sympathy, all the abuse she directed at your dad is come your way.
Good luck and best wishes.
There seems to be a new trend where young people cut off their parents, or take sides in their parents divorces. You say yourself that your mother has always been loving to you. There was no abuse between you. I wish your brother & sister understood that parents are people too. We are all complicated. You and your siblings may find yourself divorced against your will some day. The problems your parents had in their marriage do not diminish their love for you. I have no children by the way & my parents are both dead.
I know parents whose teenagers & young adult children cut off a parent for minor offenses or cultural/generational differences, and it seems cruel to me. I blame social media. Yes, you can certainly find forums such as this one who will say “cut them out”. Use your own brain
I think you can have your own, positive relationship with your mom even if she doesn’t have good relationships with other members of your family. Don’t be angry at her or refuse to have a relationship with her because of things going on in other family relationships, but also make sure that you aren’t getting in the middle–if she’s trying to make you feel like you MUST maintain a relationship because your siblings cut her off or similar that’s a bad sign.