I have had months of issues with him being controlling (what I wear, who I see/talk to. In one instance, he stated that I should be wearing a bra in my own home and got upset that I didn’t. I have had really bad panic attacks with him and have tried previously to break up with him. This is attempt #2, and my guard is falling again as he keeps saying “love should be enough” and I’m feeling guilty of abandoning him. He is saying that I am not giving him a good enough reason to break up with him as he is working on fixing the controlling factors .
How can I get him to understand that sometimes love isn’t enough for a relationship to survive?
Any advice is appreciated, thank you
42 comments
Tell him he’s still controlling you by saying you can’t leave
He might not understand he might be in denial a bit and will continue to not understand. You need to break contact and stop messaging him. If you keep talking to him he will keep thinking there is a chance.
Sorry you’re going through this OP. He’s gaslighting you and emotionally abusing you to get you to stay. You deserve to be happy and that’s the only reason you need to get out. You are not responsible for his feelings. You’re not abandoning him no matter how many time he says it. You are taking care of YOU. I hope you’re able to gain the strength to leave because you’re worth it. You are worth ut.
Do you live together?
I don’t like ghosting people but with people like this, sometimes it’s the best thing to do. You’ve already said it’s over so stop interacting with him.
You don’t need his permission to break up. Breaking up can be a one way street.
Break up with text so he can’t manipulate you
This doesn’t make any sense. He doesn’t have to “let you” break up with him: you just do it. The end. It’s over.
A break-up occurs when one person says “it’s over.” What the other person says isn’t really relevant. Once you say it’s over, you are no longer his girlfriend.
YOU are the one letting him control you. He has probably fucked with your self-esteem so much that you now believe he has the power to “not let you” break up. He doesn’t.
First of all, I hope this situation is not complicated by already living together. It is a lot easier to make a “break-up” stick if you are also not cohabitating.
If you are, and *you* are NOT the legal, responsible party for the residence . . . in other words, you did not sign the lease, or you are not on the mortgage . . . then find a way to move out asap. Even if you have to turn to a relative or a friend to help you put a temporary roof over your head, putting actual distance between you both will help.
It should not take months to work on “fixing” issues such as telling someone how they must dress in their own home.
An equal response back to him when he justifies you being forced to accept his controlling ways by saying “Love should be enough” is . . . “Love without respect is not enough. And if you are trying to control me, you do not respect me.”
Further, reiterate that his behavior is negatively affecting your mental health and after months of waiting for him to change, in order to preserve your own health, the relationship must end, and you both part ways to separate lives.
If he does not move on, and tries to re-engage via text, calls, in-person, or whatever, file a restraining order.
Be honest and tell him he’s being controlling you and you can’t live with someone like that , and walk away .
Break up via text and block him everywhere. Don’t answer the door if he comes.
Love is never enough for a relationship to survive! Never!! you need the hard work, you need to find a middle ground and be able to forgive and forget. This is controlling behavior and you’re going down until you do something about it.
He doesn’t get to decide whether you are “allowed” to break up with him, because you are not a belonging in his possession. You are a human being and it is your right to have or not have relationships and interactions with whomever you choose.
And you DO NOT need to provide him with a “good enough” reason to end the relationship, that he finds acceptable. He doesn’t need to approve this. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t want to break up, this is one of those decisions you are allowed to make unilaterally, because by the same token, he is not allowed to force you to REMAIN in a relationship that you do not want.
This man is abusive. He’s not just controlling, he’s abusing you, and you’re having difficulty recognising it (though not so much anymore) because in the course of the relationship he has likely normalised these sorts of completely inane and inappropriate demands to the point where you no longer see them as outrageous. So let the rest of us assure you: he doesn’t get to do ANY of this.
You don’t need to ghost him. In fact, at this point if you never spoke to him again, it still wouldn’t BE ghosting him. “Ghosting” implies walking away without explanation. You’ve already done the part where you have explained to him, though. You told him very clearly that you don’t want to be in a relationship with him, and you told him why. There is no ghosting here. You can walk away with a clear conscience, my friend. And if he somehow manages to contact you again at this point, given that you have made all of this clear . . . and if he tries to tell you that he “doesn’t allow” you to break it off, then it has become harassment and stalking, which is illegal, and I would suggest that you let him know that he is not to contact you anymore or you will be talking to the police. “I have told you that I no longer want to interact with you. Do not contact me, or I will let the police know that you are harassing me. We have no relationship anymore. Period. Leave me alone.”
Good luck to you, honey. You are going to be much better off without him!
No, you won’t allow yourself to break up..I hear blocking their number is a good way of not having to field their calls. try that, see how it goes.
“we are broken up an di dont want to see you anymore” (you)
“nope, we are still together” (him)
“well, ok.” (you)
seems ridiculous doesn’t it..when my hair cutter tells me I cant go to anyone else and he is my haircutter for life, I simply say “who dis?” and then block the number and move on to someone who doesn’t think a bowl cut is the height of fashion.
You don’t need to convince him of anything but it sounds like you need to convince yourself.
Break up with him for real this time.
Time to pull those balls out of the closet OP.
No is a complete sentence.
>He is saying that I am not giving him a good enough reason to break up with him
GOOD NEWS, chaoticneutral123, you do not need to give him a “good enough” reason, or any reason at all.
“I do not want to be in this relationship anymore, I am breaking up with you.” And then you are broken up. He does not have to agree, or like it.
HE DOESN’T NEED TO UNDERSTAND
YOU SIMPLY LEAVE
A break up is not a mutual agreement. You don’t need his permission to break up, this is him controlling your behavior.
The best way for you to teach him that lesson is to cut all contact with him. Pain is the best teacher.
Block and delete girl. Quick and easy.
Lol, you can just tell him to f*ck off. Sweetie, you are 47, you have to understand NO ONE is allowed to tell you what to do, or that you ‘ need a good reason to break up ‘. Please break up with him, and never ever allow yourself to be walked on again, you dont deserve that.
A similar situation happened with my sister. She eventually got a restraining order because he would not take “no” and “it’s over” as answers.
Meet him at a public space. Here is what you can say…
“[Name], I am breaking up with you. You do not get to say no to this. I quit being your girlfriend. It is over. If you continue to push, you are harassing me. I will call the police if you show up at my work or my home uninvited. You must leave me alone.”
If he interrupts, do not stop. Continue talking in the same tone and volume. Say what you need to say without stopping.
Then leave. Block his number. Block his social media. Block him on everything! If he shows up to your home, clearly say, “Leave now or I will call the police.” If he tries to continue to talk. Call the police. Same thing for work.
The police won’t be able to do anything but write a report but reports can help create a case if you need to get a restraining or no-contact order.
I am going to say this now… it will be hard. My sister tried to reason with him but controlling people do not see reason if the reasoning goes against what they want. State your intention and leave. Do not engage with anything he says. He needs to understand that “no” doesn’t need to have an explanation.
That actually sounds kind of scary. You are not a prisoner. Breaking up is your choice… he can’t prevent you from doing that.
You don’t need his permission. You don’t have to have a reason that he thinks is “good enough”. Hell, you don’t even need to be able to fully articulate all of your reasons to yourself. “Because I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore” is sufficient.
I’m sure you’ve been through some things along the way in your relationship with him, but it is time to stop being controlled and manipulated and start trusting yourself again. YOU are a smart, capable adult. YOU make your own decisions. YOU know what’s best for YOU.
You got this.
The fact that you feel guilty for abandoning a controlling partner shows he’s been abusing and breaking you down bit by bit.
He has no intention of fixing his controlling factors, he may ‘change’ to get you to stay but once his feet are firmly under the table again he’ll be back to controlling & manipulating you and it will only get worse.
“Just get on the bus, Gus. Make a new plan, Stan. No need to be coy, Roy. Just get your self free” –50 Ways To Leave Your Lover
Seriously, just go. I’ve done it.
Tips that really help!
1. Do not meet him, agree to etc. Zero face to face contact
2. Get a ring or similar so you can screen visitors. If he shows up at your door, do not answer it. If he won’t go away, call the police. Seriously. This guy is one step away from physical abuse.
3. If he rings, do not pick up. Seeing and speaking to him will weaken your resolve as he’ll try every trick in the book, guilt, how he loves you, you’re the only one for him, he’ll have no one. This is all either a pack of lies or just not your problem. If you do answer a call and it’s him (may have used a different phone), sound bored. ‘Oh god, you again!’ Then hang up. Don’t give him time to start talking. You may be quaking inside but fake it. It works.
4. When he texts, for one day only, every reply is ‘go away’. The exact same reply every single time if you’re not feeling strong enough (no shame in that). If you want to mess with him a bit you could vary with ‘you again?’, ‘boring’, blah, blah blah’ etc. Do not actively engage. You are feeding the beast if you do. The fastest way to put this type off is to go cold. Gray rock him. After the 24 hrs tell him you are blocking him and do so. If you see an email from him don’t open it, just delete.
If you hide he’ll flood you with texts and poems and show up at your door. If you look bored and cold and completely uninterested, it will shock him and he will see he has lost his power, which is his emotional leverage. If you show you’re no longer emotionally invested he’ll stop. It really works.
My husbands ex kept coming round when we were dating to try and persuade him back. Used seeing their grown son as an excuse. Went on for months and every time he got annoyed with her. I told him to go cold (gray rock) and she’ll stop. He did it once. She burst out crying cause her tricks had stopped working. Never tried again.
Good luck. You can you do this. You deserve to be happy. I met the love of my life (old school friend that liked each other but it never happened for us) at 42. 10 years later I’m still ridiculously happy. I believe in you. ❤
Breaking up is not a request. It is a statement, you don’t need to hear his reply. Since he seems crazy I would add that you also don’t want him dropping by where you live or calling obnoxiously. It’s good to have these things in writings in case things go way left. Hopefully it doesn’t get that far. Tell him you are done and don’t wish to have contact.
Just block him on everything and don’t answer the door to him, and if It gets bad, contact the police. You don’t need him to agree to the break up that’s not how it works . Tell him to do one
You don’t need him to sign off on it. What’s he gonna do?
You leave and you stop talking to him forever. He will get the hint.
You don’t need his approval to break up. You’re not asking his permission. You are informing him of your decision and then you are leaving. You are not staying around to debate and be manipulated into staying. It is not up for discussion.
Girl. You don’t need his permission. Block him and stop engaging with him.
It’s not a democracy.
This guy sounds like he holding you hostage emotionally and that’s not fair! He’s not good for your mental health and you should tell him that you guys need some space and perhaps counseling
This is a classic controlling technique end it regardless, don’t feel guilty. I gave a guy like this a chance and it ended when he chased me down the street. A woman (stranger) picked me up to get away from him and she said something I’ll never forget. “It’ll only get worse until one day he kills you”. Have some perspective, you are not safe with him.
IMVHO… I don’t think you love him. I think you’re trauma-bonded to him. The fact that he thinks that he’s the only one that gets to decide what a “good enough” reason to break up is, and that you entertain the notion, should tell you enough.
What if he decides that him cheating on you is not a good enough reason to break up… because it didn’t mean anything to him, and he loves you…
No one is entitled to your time or attention. If you truly want to end things, then end things. Period.
Block him and remove him from your life. Honestly, do you really love him? Or do you just feel bad for him and think about the good days?
He doesn’t have to understand what u want. He sounds like a narcissist. My ex of ten yrs would always say I’m not throwing away 6 yrs, 7yrs, blah blah. I finally left and found out he was cheating the entire time. You’re the boss of yourself. You just tell him ots over and remove yourself from the situation and take steps to avoid contact. This is not his choice!
Not his choice, his choice was to give you reasons not to break up with him, sounds like he failed
Can’t believe this is a situation involving two 40+ yo adults
>How can I get him to understand that sometimes love isn’t enough for a relationship to survive?
I’m going to cut to the chase here..
# You are in an abusive relationship.
Love is a plane of consciousness which we can exist on. People come together for many different reasons, but if they can connect on the same plane of consciousness then chances are they will connect, find chemistry and develop a relationship.
But life is 95% a physical, energetic experience. Life is essentially trauma and karma, trauma is force, karma is physical action.
But when you get one partner trying to control the other it’s not a loving relationship but can easily turn into an abusive relationship because much of what abuse is in a relationship is about control and power. Doesn’t matter whether it’s rape and violence, doesn’t matter whether it’s love bombing, emotional manipulation and being controlling without the physical violence, it can still be an abusive relationship.
It’s not just the fact that he won’t let you break up with him..
>I have had **really bad panic attacks** with him and have tried previously to break up with him.
If you’re experiencing anxiety and fear so badly that you’re having panic attacks then clearly you’re not in a loving relationship.
>**I’m feeling guilty** of abandoning him
Where are those feelings of guilt coming from? Who came up with the notion that you’re abandoning him?
I’m fairly confident that you’re in at least an emotionally abusive relationship.
**What you need to do is to get in touch with a women’s shelter or a domestic abuse charity and seek assistance and support from them as to how to end this relationship. Reddit cannot help you. Do this as soon as you read this post.**
He understands perfectly why you’re leaving, he’s just pretending he doesn’t as a manipulation tactic. You will never have a “good enough” reason, because he’ll never accept any reason for leaving him. Stop arguing, make an exit plan, and go.