TLDR: Basically, I (28F) and my boyfriend (33M) have been dating since last five years. Our relationship is happy and healthy. Anyway, we thought that we should take the next step and I decided to tell my parents that we wanted to get married. However, my parents still aren’t agreeing to the marriage saying the following:
1. His job isn’t safe
2. His educational qualification isn’t at par with mine
3. They don’t find him good looking enough
4. His social status doesn’t match ours
5. Financial security – ( He’s gonna buy a house soon and it’s so unfair in my culture that guys are expected to be having everything whereas nobody asks the women)
So, now his parents are done waiting and want us to be married by November.
My boyfriend although doesn’t blame me but yes sometimes when his parents pressurize him he does tell me and I just feel they are blaming me. I love him and I have been trying to get my parents agree to it because I want us to have a happy wedding one that I always dreamed. But somehow, I feel that it’s all going to dirt and nobody is happy and that we as a couple have no big issues but this is taking a toll on us.
He has also asked me to take some time and think only about myself not him nor my parents. That in the end if I think I can’t live without my family and leave him, he’ll understand.
What should I do?
26 comments
1. What job? Does he have life insurance. Are you two planning on having kids?
2. What is his education?
3. That’s silly
4. What is his social status?
5. What is not financially stable about buying a house?
Are you both the same culture? I find it interesting his parents also have a say of when you two get married.
Where do you live? It sounds like they will disown you?
Uhm all of your parents concerns seem pretty silly. They are all based in judgment rather than legit concern.
As per your answers to the first comment, I’d tell my parents to eff off. If you have to choose, it would be my boyfriend.
He sounds incredibly understanding and supportive, telling you take time and think about YOU is very mature. You parents on the other hand…….
Just his response alone tells me he’s probably a pretty great partner. He’s the only person who told you to think of your needs (at the expense of his feelings). Who deserves the respect and who is the person who cares the most? The people who want what is best for their image or the man who told you he would give you anything, even if that means breaking up?
I don’t mean to come off like an asshole, but are you Indian?
I mean, I’m from a western country and to me it’s insane that you would ever let your parents break up a happy relationship over such petty reasons.
Is there anyone else that could help convince your parents? Maybe his parents? Another family member? What happens if you get married against their wishes, are you sure you would be shunned forever or could they get over it?
Idk but leaving love behind for family seems like a recipe for being unhappy and resentful forever. Who says you’re going to find a better match? Especially when you’ve already dated someone else for so long?
>28F
You stopped being beholden to your parents ten years ago.
Think long term. In 20 years are you going to be happy
You’re with the love of your life and that your parents come around at some point, or are you going to be terribly unhappy and think about what could have been and resent your parents for ruining it?
The guy your parents do approve of could be absolute shit.
Talk to your parents about it and make them understand that it’s you who’s going to be living with him and not them. You’re an adult. You know what’s right and what isnt. And judging by how healthy your relationship with him has been, you know it’s the right decision for you. Don’t back away from this just because they don’t want you to marry him, most people search their whole lives for something like this and don’t find it , and to have it ruined by parents over something this petty is just pathetic.
28 is way too old for parents to be twisting your arm about relationship choices. It’s control-freaky and toxic. It would be understandable if you felt like they don’t care about your happiness as much as they do about what the other country-club snobs think. Money and social status are nice, but they don’t make anyone a good person and it’s still very possible to be miserable and ugly with lots of money and social status. I think you’re on a healthier path steering toward marriage.
Your boyfriend sounds lovely. None of your parents’ arguments make any sense. When you are taking your time alone think long and hard if you would be ok breaking up a happy, loving relationship to please your parents and then being unlucky and finding someone who will treat you poorly and whom you won’t love as much.
Given the culture I am guessing you are from won’t you have less than two years to find and marry a man your parents approve of before you are considered an old maid? You only get one life to live. Don’t sacrifice it for your parents’ happiness. Elope. They’ll have no choice but to disown you or get over it and if they are good people like you say they’ll do the latter.
I never choose anyone who makes me choose. If they make me choose today they could make me choose again tomorrow.
Here’s the deal – you have to choose between him and your parents. He also has to choose between you and his parents. I know there’s a huge cultural gap here, but at the end of the day the two of you together need to decide if you’re going to stick up to all 4 of your parents, or if you’re going to let your relationship exist primarily as a battleground between their competition.
If you choose each other, it has to include to set that boundary firmly: “whenever it’s between each other and our parents, we always choose each other.”
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That also means that his parents can’t rush a wedding – it has to be when the two of you want it. **You and he should be making these decisions,** but it sounds like currently your parents are making them and if you stand up to them, all you’ll get is his parents coming in and making your decisions for you instead.
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So what do I think? I think you need to have this conversation with him and both of you need to lay it out to each other, with total honesty. How much are you each willing to let your parents interfere in your relationship? How much are you each willing to get between your parents and your partner? If children become involved, how much will you stand between your parents and your kids?
**And more important, how much are you each okay with your partner’s parents interfering in your relationship?** There’s a cultural difference and so it’s okay that your boundaries are way different than mine – as long as it’s okay with your boyfriend (and vice versa).
If you can’t resolve that in a range that will leave you both satisfied, then you’re going to have an unhappy marriage.
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You are about to end a (good) relationship over this but you’re minimizing it. Don’t. This is a big issue – in the US, it’s very typical for people to divorce partners who won’t set boundaries with their parents. It is reasonable to want your partner to stand up for you, and to give you preference over other people in their life. Yeah, you may be in a culture that defers to parents over spouses, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel bad every time your partner says you’re less important than your parents (and the same goes for when you do it to him).
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About the dream wedding – let me ask you this: If you could guarantee one perfect day but at the cost that you would always be at least a little miserable for the rest of your life, would you make that deal? The other option is that you will on average be happier the entirety of your life, but you’ll never know if or when you might have that perfect day. Just don’t give the wedding itself too much gravity, it’s the marriage that will actually define your life.
First thing first, do you live or are supported by your parents in any way? If not who fucking cares what they think. Marry your man and live your life and let the babies cry about by themselves. If they do, move or support yourself and then tell them to fuck off and do as previously stated.
You’re your own person with autonomy and authority over yourself/life. So go live it the way you want to. If you’re from a different culture but live in a Western country (like the US) it will be a lot easier to do as there is very little they can do if you’re smart. If not more caution and actions will be needed to execute your free will safely.
I don’t get it. You’re both adults. Why are your parents butting in like this? Is there a cultural or religious difference you didn’t mention?
Your parents obviously don’t care about your happiness, your partner does… just saying. Also I personally have no problem dropping ppl just cuz they’re related by blood. That’s just me tho and I completely understand that family is super important to some, just keep in mind the first thing I said.
Why do you need your parents to agree to the relationship? They won’t be the one’s in the marriage. Choose happiness instead of acquiescence/approval, and don’t give anyone authority over your life.
You are a grown adult. You don’t need your parents to agree with or approve of anything you do. It’s YOUR life to live the way YOU want, so get to it.
With all due respect, fuck your parents opinion. It’s your life, tell them how happy your are for them that they never married him! Tricky situation – I know. He sounds like a solid dude that genuinely cares about you and wants to be spared bullshit feelings. That also is a manifestation of his dignity and self-respect.
Love your parents, please don’t resent them for it as they only want what’s best for you. Their opinion is what’s best for you financially, not emotionally and it’s quite disrespectful to question you like that
Who gives a shit about what your parents think. Elope and save everyone the burden of a wedding. Live life – have fun!
Depends…do you ever want a relationship with someone other than your parents? Because at some point you need to cut the cord and tell them to mind their own business. Do you want to live *your* life or *theirs*?
This seems like a cultural issue, so pardon a response from a Caucasian living in the US.
Your BF sounds like a patient and loving man who just cares about your happiness. Statistically, you and your spouse will likely outlive your parents, so it’s more important for you to be happy with the man you choose to marry, maybe have kids with and hopefully grow old, fat and happy together.
Alternatively, your parents pick someone else who is not a good match and you are stuck with him long after they are 6 feet under.
I think the answer is clear.
If your parents are that pretentious then maybe you should focus on the family you choose versus the family you’re born into. May seem very cliche, but I adored my family until one day a few years ago I pulled the curtain back and realized that my family is full of assholes that love to be racist bigots – new development since the trump years. And my wife, her family has always been a broken mess. Also, our families don’t mix. We had a birthday for my kid and they didn’t even talk to each other. It was disheartening to be gentle and blunt.
If you love him and honestly just tolerate your family because they are your family, pick him.
>He has also asked me to take some time and think only about myself not him nor my parents. That in the end if I think I can’t live without my family and leave him, he’ll understand.
The guy sounds like a good guy and a good partner. Wonderful response.
Knowing this, take your time to think about what you want too, not what your parents and his parents want.
Good luck.
You’re 28, marry who you love. You’re an adult
Looks like your boyfriend is a keeper, and your parents will just have to deal with it. #sorrynotsorry