Me (24f) and my boyfriend (24m) have been dating for 4 years now. We are both graduating college at the end of this year and have talked about moving out very often in the future. I have occasionally brought up the idea of getting engaged in the near future as I want to progress in our relationship. Whenever I talk to him about it, he does say he wants to marry me but that we don’t have enough money right now. I told him that I don’t personally care about having an expensive ring or wedding since I know it will probably take us a couple years to get fully financially stable and I don’t want money getting in the way of us committing to each other. He always seems to shut down or change the topic after I start asking or talking about details. It’s very frustrating and I feel that if he really did want to marry me, he would be more excited to have that conversation with me especially after 4 years of dating. I also don’t feel it has to do with finances because he’s always very eager to talk about other things he knows he can’t afford at the moment (cars, houses, travel, etc). It bothers me that he has no problem being excited about these things but just shoots me down when I start asking about what kind of wedding he would want to have. Am I overreacting or is this normal?
tl;dr
My boyfriend is hesitant to talk about marriage because of finances even after 4 years of being in a relationship.
7 comments
Being in your mid 20s is ultra exciting and opens a lot of new-found freedom and new experiences. From my own point of view, marriage doesn’t add anything to an already good relationship, it does however serve greater consequences for it ending, and greater pressure… I don’t think you’re overreacting, I understand how you’d feel weird about it but if my take can help explain it, I’m 26 and I’m definitely not as excited about marriage as I am about new financial gateways opening that I’ve not previously had access to, not even close… respectfully
>It’s very frustrating and I feel that if he really did want to marry me, he would be more excited to have that conversation with me especially after 4 years of dating.
You have to remember that being 24 years old in 2023 is different than being 24 in the 90s or early 2000s. 24 is still really young, and at least for me, I wasnt ready AT ALL to be married to somebody.
> I also don’t feel it has to do with finances because he’s always very eager to talk about other things he knows he can’t afford at the moment (cars, houses, travel, etc). It bothers me that he has no problem being excited about these things but just shoots me down when I start asking about what kind of wedding he would want to have. Am I overreacting or is this normal?
It just means he’s not as ready as you are. Thats the reality.
He probably wants to take a few more steps prior to marriage. Its up to both of you to discuss this and agree on something, because there is clearly a disconnect.
Marriage doesn’t progress a relationship, just the legal status.
> Am I overreacting or is this normal?
You are overreacting.
>Whenever I talk to him about it, he does say he wants to marry me but that we don’t have enough money right now.
Can he tell you exactly how much money would be enough for him?
>He always seems to shut down or change the topic after I start asking or talking about details. It’s very frustrating and I feel that if he really did want to marry me, he would be more excited to have that conversation with me especially after 4 years of dating.
The fact that he’s not even willing to have a conversation with you is weird, yeah. You’re not wrong for expecting him to be able to talk about it like an adult.
>It bothers me that he has no problem being excited about these things but just shoots me down when I start asking about what kind of wedding he would want to have.
So he’s not even willing to discuss hypotheticals?
He’s not ready to even talk about getting married and doesn’t seem ready for that any time soon. You aren’t compatible if that’s something you want soon.
No you’re not over reacting but neither is he. Looks to me that you have had this conversation and hes basically said no but you don’t want to accept it. Hes not wrong for not wanting marriage but he can’t expect you to just carry on without commitment and progression of the relationship if that’s important to you.
If you want marriage and to have a more serious relationship then you need to tell him that. Doesnt matter if he doesn’t want to discuss it, discussing things is part of being in a relationship. If someone won’t talk to me that is them not participating in the relationship.
If he refuses to talk about it and work it out then you have your answer. Either you are okay with not having marriage and not having a relationship progress and stay or you aren’t and you find a new partner who is. Don’t play games and try to convince him when he doesn’t want to. Move on if you’re not compatible.