Longish post for context, but last paragraph is the real connundrum and can serve as the TLDR, so feel free to skip ahead. Thank you! 🙂
As much as it makes my heart hurt and stomach churn, I’m reasonably certain it’s time to move along from the relationship I’m currently in. It’s been nearly 3 long years of trying to work through our issues and I believe it’s time to just walk away. Long story short, we’re just in different development places in our lives and she’s just too wrapped up in inner turmoil to be emotionally available and reciprocal.
I’ve already made moves to distance. We backed out of the apartment we shared and now I’m temporarily staying with my parents and her with her mom. We’re currently more than two weeks into a mutually agreed upon month-long break. She’s back home near Boston and I’m still near Seattle so there is quite a bit of distance both geographically and in terms of mental space which has been good for some reflection. Distancing? Check!
I’ve upped the exercise regiment to be more regular for the endorphine benefit. The satisfaction of moving more towards my fitness goals is nice too. Exercise, check.
I’ve engaged with more content on how to seek fulfillment in this alone time to better myself. Also, I’ve already begun the process of being mindful and started ‘debreifing’ the relationship of what I can learn in terms of mistakes I made within this relationship and red flags to watch out for in future relationship endeavors. Reflective learning and self-improvement, check.
I’ve begun reaching out to make new friends. As you might expect, nearby Seattle being so populated, there are a lot of people to potentially make friends with. I’ve already connected with 3 seemingly really cool people and have already been invited to coffee chats with all of them, first of which is Thursday, so the ball is rolling on that too. Socialize and go meet people? Check.
I have two questions for you lovely folks.
My first question is an easy one. What else can I be doing to weather the coming storm of inevitable missing her and being lonely. Am I missing anything?
The second question is a bit more complicated. My first inclination is to ask “How soon is too soon to put myself out there romantically again?” My past gaps have been mere months so I’m not looking to repeat that again. I’m sure the answer is “It depends” or “It’s different for everyone”, so instead I’ll ask this:
What exactly am I trying to achieve in my interim time being single? How do I know that I’ve had the “healthy” amount of time? Is it my main job to process the failure of the relationship and once I feel I understand how to avoid a repeat, then I’m ready to put myself out there once again? Is it once I’ve succeeded in making the necessary personal improvements so as not to bring them forward to a new relationship? Am I just giving myself breathing room to avoid that oh-so-human tendency to have a loneliness-fueled rebound? All of the above? Any help getting my mind around what exactly is the concrete task(s) I’m trying to accomplish before I’m “healthily” ready to date again would be phenomenally appreciated. :)))
8 comments
Jesus, OP’s got a checklist ready to go for this breakup. That’s some impressive preparedness and self-awareness that you don’t typically see in /r/relationships posts.
>What else can I be doing to weather the coming storm of inevitable missing her and being lonely. Am I missing anything?
There’s advice that it generally helps to stick to your usual routine so that you can return to a sense of normalcy, but that might be a challenge since you’ve moved in with your folks. Still, maintaining some semblance of familiarity and minimizing significant lifestyle changes, wherever you can, will help.
>Is it my main job to process the failure of the relationship and once I feel I understand how to avoid a repeat, then I’m ready to put myself out there once again?
Depends: Is the failure of your relationship even either of your faults? Sometimes relationships end because both parties recognize that their wants or needs have diverged.
>Is it once I’ve succeeded in making the necessary personal improvements so as not to bring them forward to a new relationship?
Unless you have some concrete and finite improvements with realistic and timely goals (although seeing your preparedness, maybe you do), this seems impossible to achieve. You don’t have to be *flawless* to be dateable.
>Am I just giving myself breathing room to avoid that oh-so-human tendency to have a loneliness-fueled rebound?
You seem capable of self-reflection – you can consider for yourself your motivations for dating. Even then, if it’s for the sake of wanting to fulfill a desire for interpersonal intimacy… that doesn’t seem like a worse reason than anything else.
As the dumper, just don’t string her along or use her for attention when you miss her. Just get on with your life and focus on what you want to do. Doing new things tends to help, as well as sticking to your long term goals.
If you’re worried about dating, just don’t use your next date to process your relationship with your ex. Date when you feel you have a genuine interest in other people and are over your ex. There’s no timeline for that. It’s as soon as you feel ready.
> What else can I be doing to weather the coming storm of inevitable missing her and being lonely. Am I missing anything?
Well, you’re hitting the gym, so that’s one part of the Reddit standard breakup protocols. Good for you on doing that!
Next up is “delete Facebook”. Once you break up, unfriend/unfollow/block on all platforms. You can’t get over someone if you’re still leasing them real estate in your head. No on-line stalking!
Last idea: if you’re really feeling lonely and sad, *let yourself feel lonely and sad*. Hell son, schedule that shit! Pick a time once a week where you have a few hours you can be alone / hide in your room / not be bothered, and then listen to sad songs, watch sad movies, hell, cry until you’re snotty and messy if you need to. You can repress your feelings the rest of the week, as long as you keep to that scheduled “grieving for my last relationship” time. And you keep doing that as long as you feel you need it.
> How soon is too soon to put myself out there romantically again?
Focus on getting your shit together. Get a place to live, either on your own or with roommates. Moving is shitty, but it gives you an excuse to throw out crap you don’t need, and make lists of stuff you want to replace. At a bare minimum, you need to be moved into a new place, and unpacked, and if I’m being totally honest, you should probably have been there long enough to buy a new set of bedsheets and new bathroom linens.
Make new friends and hang out. Practice your hard-core adulting skills by getting good at keeping your bathroom and kitchen clean.
>what exactly is the concrete task(s) I’m trying to accomplish before I’m “healthily” ready to date again
You’re trying to get yourself to a point where you are comfortable functioning as an independent adult. The less you *need* from a romantic partner, the more you can enjoy being with them, and the better your decision-making will be.
Don’t focus on your next relationship before you’ve ended the first. Enjoy yourself and take this time to be the better person you want to be. When you become the person you ultimately want to become the person you are supposed to be with tends to show up.
Or maybe I’m just sappy and lucked out. Either way I wish you the best. Good luck!
If you want a healthy, long term relationship in the future, maybe work on the fact that you choose to leave someone when they experience hardship rather than being there/caring for them. Life inevitably brings ups and downs for everyone also your future partner
Just broke up with my gf of 4 years.
Sounds to me like youve moved on. Im only a few days into it but already i feel like i made the right decision. Its sad a lot. We still live together for another month.
I think you have it down and a lot of what you wrote and what others have said is hitting home for me. Just dont feel you gotta rush into the next thing. Take your time. Be happy with yourself first.
I don’t think you meant it this way but the post reads like you want to avoid dealing with all the feelings about what happened or try to control things you can’t inside by controlling things outside like planning.
This is very intellectual / perfectionist with many logical thoughts and has a lot of action oriented focus. It doesn’t mean what you said isn’t right or isn’t all great to do – it is! I just wonder where the feeling tone is.
Like when someone wants to distract themselves from feeling loss or grief by intellectualizing about optimization after somebody dies and you want to be like “it’s ok to just cry.” But they compulsively think, plan or distract to avoid feeling bad.
Your plans are all great and there’s nothing wrong with the post at all in fact I think you’ll do fine on that end of things but I worry you are using these types of things to focus on rather than processing feelings. I could be wrong! But imo the only way is though allowing yourself to feel the temporary suffering of losing a significant relationship.
30m and I just broke up with my girlfriend of 7 years back in January. Right now, I feel healthier mentally than I have in years. For me, what really helped was learning to embrace being alone and not feeling like I need a relationship. What I needed was going on hikes and bike rides by myself, go out to restaurants by myself, go to movies alone. Basically I did all the things I enjoy, just by myself. The thing that helped the most? I went on a 3 week vacation overseas with some friends of mine (obviously not something that everyone is able to do) and the longer I was there, the more I felt like my old self. Lots of late night conversations where we could all just decompress and vent about difficulties in life and hopes for the future. Really, the main thing is, take a deep look at yourself, figure out what you do and don’t want, understand why you want those things. In the last month or 2, I finally felt like I could date again, but decided I wasn’t going to try because I didn’t need/want to. I had no desire of pursuing a relationship. Last week I went to a friend’s house for a fire and met someone I really wanted to get to know better, so we exchanged numbers and are going on our first date soon. Everyone is different though. My healing process may only apply to me, who knows. Also, I got through a lot of my healing while I was still with my ex, that’s when I decided to leave her, I really had to think about what I deserved and what I was willing to put up with. I wish you the best of luck with your future relationships, dont rush, you’ll know when you’re ready again.