Hi Reddit,
TL/DR: My bf lied about not finding others attractive. I found out that he does in the most awkward way, and I lost my trust.
Quite some time ago my partner(38m) and I(28f) had the discussion (or I tried to have the discussion) on the topic of finding others attractive/good looking even when in a relationship.
I told him I personally think its okay to pass by anyone and think “they’re attractive” and move on with your day. My partner vehemently said this is not okay and fact, he will not even look at women waitresses, etc, when being served. My immediate thought was concern, cos harsh reactions are usually an indication of something deeper. He went on to say how he finds me perfect, so there’s no way he can be attracted to anyone else even for a second. I knew it couldn’t be the truth, especially because in the beginning of our relationship, he always brought up how hot a woman is in whatever show we were watching. And some people are just objectively good-looking.
Fast forward to a year or two later, we’ve been together for 7 years, so the sex life is getting a bit routined (Im providing context for what’s yet to come). I spoke to him about buying toys. I wanted to get him a fleshlight as I got myself a gspot vibrator seeing that we don’t live together and m*sturbation has always been important for me. I told him we could experiment and use it with each other cos I find men m*sturbating to be really hot. He immediately became uncomfortable, defensive, and rigid – saying we should not rely on tech to get us anywhere and that vibrators make him feel jealous like wtf? Guess who has never seen my vibrator lol. Anyway, a while after that I come over just to relax and he opens up his laptop. I guess he needed to get his rocks off before I came over cos there was a million p**nhub tabs open. He quickly closed them and apologised for the surprise visuals, etc. It wasn’t a big deal, and we moved on. I have no issue with p*rn use in a relationship.
Later that night, he went to shower, and I was in his bed with his laptop. Then, I had a thought I wasn’t proud of. In an attempt to perhaps uncover a fantasy or a genre he isn’t comfortable speaking about, I decided to check his history to see what he was watching. With that, I would try and implement whatever he likes into our sex life. But of course, nothing was reflecting in his history. However, what was reflecting was the copious amounts of instagram profiles (of women we know and other local women) that popped up. This spanding across pages and pages of history. Not only that , but he used an app/website that allows you to download pictures, videos, and stories off of Instagram.
I’ve already said I don’t find porn to be an issue, but I was very annoyed at what I saw 1. Because he’s an idiot for not admitting that he does find others attractive and 2. cos these were women we knew, including girls, a decade younger than me.
I know this is insane and it was really shitty of me to view his history regardless of my reasoning. But I can’t help but be bothered that he lied to me about his character, his internal thought processing.
There’s so many other things that make me feel as if I’m part of some wacky show. But I guess I’m asking, am I right in feeling completely bothered by this??
6 comments
>My partner vehemently said this is not okay and fact, he will not even look at women waitresses, etc, when being served.
Yikes!
> saying we should not rely on tech to get us anywhere and that vibrators make him feel jealous like wtf?
Yeah thats weird.
You’re completely allowed to feel the way you do. Honestly, his behaviour seems to be kinda on track for a man who would start dating someone in their early 20s while he himself is over 30 years old.
He’s immature, and you’ve come to be your own person. You’ve communicated with him clearly and he’s not interested in having actual healthy discussions about your sex life.
I think you are focused on the wrong things here. I am more concerned as to why you are accepting of his rigid behavior up to this point. Just in this post he has two reactions that are completely unacceptable.
Is your bf kind and empathetic and emotionally open? If not, don’t you want to be with someone like that?
Like yeah he lied about something so clear but all his behavior outlined here has been emblematic of a underwhelming partner.
What bothers me is the fact that he is downloading pictures and videos off of Instagram of people you both know… like why?
I think the bigger concern is his extreme reaction to finding people attractive, rather than his prawn consumption.
How did this take 7 years to figure out?
He spoke contractory things you knew were false but you accepted them. Now the lies are coming through.
Feeling bothered won’t change anything beyond more unhappiness.
What results are you expecting? If it’s self honesty from him then it’s not happening. It never did. Why is it any different now than years ago?
**You are right in feeling however you feel, but the red flags are the scary part.**
First, let’s address how you fucked up. You broke the rules of the relationship by invading his personal privacy. That’s not OK and it is something you need to admit to him and then deal with his reaction. You cannot fix it by adding more lies on top of it. It’s going to make him lose trust in you and it’s not going to be easy but it is important. This – however – is not what you came here to talk about.
You wanted to talk about your boyfriend breaking YOUR trust before you broke his.
Of course he lied when he said he doesn’t look at other women and notice them or find them attractive. Maybe he thought you couldn’t handle it if he were honest… and yet you seem like the kind of woman who would handle the conversation well. Then again, you didn’t call him out on this obvious bullshit, so there is some weird dynamic here.
Personally I think he’s trying to hide who he really is. So he has these rules that he not only tells others about but has to constantly tell himself about to keep in line with the person he wants to be… but isn’t necessarily the person he is. He thoughts on masturbation and using tech for example. He clearly does both but when YOU bring it up, he stands up on his soapbox to say it’s wrong. This is a HUGE red flag because he’s also doing other things while denying he’s OK with it.
Now I wasn’t going to say a thing about the age thing but you said, “…including girls, a decade younger than me.” That would make them 18… which isn’t far from the age you were when you two started dating. That’s another red flag.
But more than that, his attitude about sex, attraction and being honest about these things really makes me think he’s stuck at a level of immaturity that most people climb out of in their early 20s. That’s my big big flag with him because without therapy he may never grow in terms of sexuality, intimacy and romance – and based on what you posted – you are continuing to grow and mature in those departments.
It’s time for you two to talk. Admit you looked at his computer. Admit to what you found, then talk about your concerns while fully owning what you did because HONESTY is the only thing to get you two back to a good place. Tell him that you aren’t mad about his porn usage, but you want total honesty – not about the porn he likes – but why he feels the need to hide who he really is.
Don’t be surprised is there was a major trauma (not necessarily sexual) that happen to him in his late teens/early 20s. Be ready to support his healing from it.