i have am anxious-avoidant attachment style and this guy has an avoidant attachment style
he is very introverted, reserved, and private. i am always texting him, but i know if i don’t text him, he’ll wonder why. i would like him to reply to my texts, but i realize i won’t get one.
how often should i be texting this person?
37 comments
Never.
Never. He is more than capable of responding to you, but he chooses not to. I bet you he is not like this to somebody he values and respects.
The person you’re supposed to be with would move mountains to be with you.
you dont.
What is your goal here? How often do you *want* to text him?
Forget about “should” – it’s only what works for you both. If this isn’t working for you, stop.
introverted, reserved and private are not excuses. do your part, and when it’s not mutual, move on.
Imagine he is you but with his value systems attached to it, what does mean for him to do/not do whatever that has transpired, then just do what you think is right.
As an introvert I don’t feel my ‚social battery‘ draining being with someone- especially not with a love interest. This starts only in public or larger groups.
I am reserved to people who I don’t trust enough to respect me. Meaning complete strangers Even some work friends are trustworthy enough.
I value my privacy. It’s important to have a room to be intimate WITH your love interest lol
I don’t have avoidant attachment style, though
Air out your grievances and if they are not heard,move on. Don’t get breadcrumbed any further. Anyone who wants to talk to you will take initiative at some point no matter how reserved if you’re already on speaking terms.Not doing it at all shows a severe lack of care,there is absolutely no excuse for it.
Match the distance in between his texts back to you. You send one, he replies two days later, reply two days after that.
If he never replies then never reply. Relationships need to be mutual.
I saw this the other day. “Rip to the opportunities we missed because of shyness and low self esteem.”
Don’t, run away
You can text whenever you want, but you’ll have to be patient when receiving a response because the other person will reply whenever they want. And vice versa. Don’t overthink or over-analyze. Once you both are comfortable with each other, you’ll understand the pace. For now, just keep the conversation interesting and afloat.
Never
Stop analyzing your “attachment styles” and take the hints that he’s giving you. Stop texting.
Ok so as someone who is literally the alphabet soup of diagnosis I have a lot in common with your friend. Growing up the people who became my closest friends were those who kept reaching out to me. I have phone anxiety, so I need someone who will always initiate conversations and understand that sometimes I just can’t talk when they call or text (that it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with my anxiety). I’m also ADHD and will literally forget to answer the text. I can’t tell you how many times I have answered a text from a family member a week old saying that I answered them in my head thinking I sent it. I also tend to forget about the outside world so it’s not that I don’t want to get together with friends, I just literally don’t think about it to initiate the outing.
My advice would be to be completely transparent with him and allow him to be transparent with you. For me social events (even just coffee with a friend) can be exhausting, they are fun, I need them for my wellbeing but I also need a long recovery time afterwards. I personally need a month to recoup from a large party or wedding…. about a week for a small group gathering… and a couple of days for a one on one outing.
Let him know that you are willing to be the one who initiates conversations and planning, and you understand that sometimes even though he might looking forward to plans, the day of things might feel overwhelming and he needs to beg off or turn an outing into a visit at home. But that you need him to be able to communicate with you honestly so that you know you aren’t putting in work for a relationship (no matter what kind friends or romantic) that he isn’t interested in. And that you can trust that he will let you know if you are being overbearing so that you aren’t trying to constantly look for clues that aren’t there or questioning yourself. Because that’s freaking exhausting
I have a friend who told me upfront not to feel obligated to respond to every text she sends me because to her it’s not necessary a conversation it’s a thought dump. She will see something that makes her think of me and text it or have a thought she doesn’t want to forget and text me. I feel free to do the same. Because it’s such a low pressure thread I have no anxiety responding when she does ask a question that needs a timely response.
All relationships are a two way street, he does need to put in the work too, I’m just saying you guys need to be open an honest about your strengths and weaknesses and work together. I might not like talking on the phone and prefer face to face but because I’m honest about it I know that if a friend does call they have taken that into consideration and it must be important so I always answer. I’m also always doing things for them that they might not be comfortable doing themselves.
Good luck
If someone’s main way of communicating isn’t by text, why try to force it to be?
If texting him information helps facilitate you guys meeting up, then it’s useful to text him that information. But you shouldn’t measure how much a person cares about you by how frequently they text you.
I text my best friend plenty of memes or jokes or weird things that I’ve seen, that he never responds back to.
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wait; so homie doesn’t even respond to you? ever? at all? in short, you’re talking to a brick wall my friend…
no matter how many times you try to talk to a wall, that wall won’t ever talk back.
This person’s not interested in you. I am an introvert. I do not reply to my friends (unless necessary) coz it drains my social batt, i dont hang out much, i dont talk to people unless they talk to me first, etc. But when a person im interested with messages me, then i wont hesistate but to reply right away. I would do such things for us to interact, even if i hate interacting with other people.
Idk if it’s just me but yeah, i think he/shes not interested in you.
I can’t get into no one’s mind, but personally, I tend to have this habit of intentionally not reaching out first. For whatever fucking reason. I think it makes me feel less worthy or something like that. I ask myself “why won’t they reach out first?”. So I end up not texting and not being texted.
I mean if you still want their friendship maybe try texting them every three weeks.
I’m honestly not a very social person and I kind of like to keep to myself most of the time. I feel frustrated if someone texts me everyday because I honestly just like being alone and talking to people can be pretty tiring. Sometimes it takes me a few weeks just to have the energy to talk to someone. My friends and I talk to each other like maybe a few times each month. We’ll play games or call/text and send memes to each other and then we just completely go silent until next month or when someone needs to text the other.
I know most people wouldn’t really like friendships like that but it’s honestly not that bad since it feels like we have more to talk about and just catch up with life. It also gives me the space that I need so when I do end up talking I can end up talking for hours at times.
Im strongly introverted and if I like the person, he/she can text me anytime. Sometimes I reply few hours later, but if the person is worth my time, I never reply later then 12 hours
Perhaps a bit different from others, while he may not initiate contact you may find other things even the scales – like, he might be warm and understanding, able to listen to you, do things for or with you, etc. But if there’s no balance at all then move on.
Well, since he’s avoiding you, maybe it’s best to just send carrier pigeons instead of texts. They have a better response rate.
Quality over quantity, my friend. Too many texts can be overwhelming. Just be patient and give them space.
Send one text and wait for a response. If they don’t respond, send 10 more. It’s all about persistence.
Kevin: How often should you text someone like that? Once a year, on their birthday, with a picture of a cat wearing a hat.
Text them as often as you want, just don’t be surprised if they don’t respond. Introverts need their space.
Once a week, if they haven’t reached out to you. Better yet, send memes. Memes are always a safe bet.
Kevin: Hmm, let me see… how about texting him every 5 seconds? That should definitely get you a reply!
Kevin: Well, it’s simple. Just text him every five minutes. And if he doesn’t reply, just assume he’s dead. Problem solved.
Kevin: As often as you want, just make sure to include at least three cat memes per text to keep things interesting.
Kevin: Well, have you considered carrier pigeons? They’re more reliable than avoidant attachment style guys.
Oh boy, sounds like a recipe for disaster! Maybe try carrier pigeons instead of texts? Or just accept the fact that they don’t want to text back.
Are you sure you’re not accidentally messaging a turtle instead? They can be pretty private and avoidant too.
Maybe try asking them directly? Everyone is different and may have different preferences for communication.