turn 25 a week from today, and I’m in the midst of one. I’m normally pretty neutral in regards to birthdays, but it’s making this one feel gut wrenching.
I’m treading water without any direction in life. My academics and career planning have come to a halt because of some medical issues. I can’t plan a career before I get the medical issues handled, but that’s going to take a really long time. It’s made me apathetic, semi lethargic, and bordering on nihilistic.
I’ve fallen behind relative to other people my age (or even younger). It feels like there are things that should have done by now or should be doing, but don’t know what they are. Therapy, speaking to my peers, and speaking to people older than me haven’t helped one bit.
How can I cope?
29 comments
It’s never too early or late for midlife crisis. Go ahead and have a big one.
Edit. There’s no timeline for getting things done. I’m 40 and way behind my peers in some things and head in other things. None of it matters in the end. Travel, study, be creative, workout, take a long hike, camp under a tarp, do whatever you need to do. In the end you legacy is the interactions you had with those around you.
I married young and by my mid-20s definitely was having a “what the fuck is my life?” moment. We moved from the east coast to Hawai’i and stayed there for several years while I went back and got a degree.
Ultimately, it was a really good thing. But it definitely kinda came out of nowhere to everyone in my life when we left.
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Stop comparing yourself to other people
Not particularly. When I turned 26 a giant weight came off my shoulders. It’s like I was aware I was getting older but I just didn’t care anymore. Still felt 19 physically but was matured mentally. 25 was a great age for me.
I legit never had anxiety in my life until I turned 25. I had started seeing the woman who is now my wife, and the “crisis” came from the realization that I simply partied and drank way too much (and as a consequence spent way too much money) and too often to be able to make it work with her. The way I grew up, that was “normal” but I started to realize it’s really not. That was 10 years ago, we’ve now been married almost 7 years with 2 kids and I have not had more than 3 drinks in a week since then. I’m grateful for that crisis. If it never came over me I likely would have had to become completely sober to keep my shit together and wouldn’t have the family I do now.
I just had a week of non sleep fuelled by existential terror, 1 20mg cbd edible gummy for each terror episode helped w sleep
I try to stay in a constant state of existential awareness, where I think a midlife crisis is basically a sudden shock of existential awareness after ignoring the big picture for a long time.
From that general line of thinking I’ve tried building weird companies, traveling to unusual places, switched career tracks multiple times, tried out a bunch of hobbies, read a lot of books, etc. I’m currently considering not renewing my apartment and living nowhere in particular for the next year, just moving city to city on month to month rentals to reassess where I actually want to live.
I think of life less as a linear path and more as a messy story of exploration. I basically have a long mental list of side quests I’m interested in and pick them up whenever they’re adjacent to my current path or I have nothing else of interest to pursue.
I try to stack them so that they are additive to each other (like building a software idea I thought was cool was additive to a broader journey of being a software engineer), but some of them are just completely orthogonal to everything else, as long as they aren’t harmful.
If you feel like you don’t have any direction, just try things and see what direction is most interesting to you. Where other people are relative to you is completely irrelevant. It’s your journey to do with as you please.
My 25th is next month, I am still living paycheck to paycheck, I have been single my whole life, I can barely get my “friends” to hang out with me so I spend like 90% of my time just in the house. I’m absolutely miserable right now, only time I feel good is when I’m at a concert, so that’s what I’ve been spending my summer doing.
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Haven’t had an S-word attempt since 18, pretty much only because I have a few people in my friend group who care about what I do, and a few people at work who actually say thank you when I do shit(which is why its my second job ever I’ve stayed at for longer than 4 months).
Yes. I felt like I was wasting away my life. Didn’t have any friends my age (I moved to a new state and never socialized), didn’t like my job prospects, and didn’t like that I dropped out of college. I felt like an old man at 25 who was failing at life.
Ended up going back to school at 27 and getting my engineering degree (entirely new degree path, so I was basically starting from scratch).
10 years later I’m happy, have a vibrant social life, make good money, and enjoy my career.
Listen to the crisis symptoms and turn yourself around.
Baby mom left and took my baby. Started drinking real bad. I’ve sobered up since but it was a wild time.
There is nothing you “should’ve” done by now you’re comparing your life to others and you’re making things worse by worrying about these things. You are not in competition with others. You are living your life weather rich or poor sane crazy or half crazy. Look just concentrate on your life. You have health issues and that’s tough but work on that. Try to get better. It’s fine to set goals but your road is yours and if a friend bought a home or got married or had kids that’s their life. Remember this is the only one you get. Try to enjoy it as much as you can and don’t take things for granted. Smell the coffee in the morning and taste it. Try and be aware of your life around you. If your life is based on some future goal you’ll miss the joy around you now.
I realised that most people who claim to have made it at 25 are just posturing.
The actual results of your actions usually don’t show until your late 30’s or early 40’s, lots of time for people’s hubris to get in the way and screw it all up.
I didn’t get down on my birthday until I turned 36. Cause I was just staring 40 in the face of that point!
Looks like I’m right on schedule for my quarter life crisis, time to start planning my tarp camping trip!
I just turned to alcohol at quarter life, having the real midlife now …..
Currently you have ambition , the hard part is deciding when to stop climbing and focus on enjoying
Hi! First, happy early birthday. I’m happy that you’re here with us. I’ll ramble at ya for a minute, even though you say that talking to old guys doesn’t help one bit. Guess what? You’re almost 25, the whole point about being 25 is that you don’t listen to anyone but yourself. And that’s a good thing. Hear what others have to say, but when its time to take your own shots, listen to yourself.
I know it’s tough, but don’t compare yourself to other people – that’s a real quick way to start feeling down on yourself. If I had to wager, it’s also probably one of the bigger reasons why you’re feeling the way that you feel. A shitty thing about life is that people get opportunities that others don’t get, and that makes comparisons to others a lot like comparing apples to oranges – it just isn’t a fair comparison. Lamar Jackson is your age, and it would be crazy to feel bad about yourself because you aren’t one of the NFLs best quarterbacks. The best thing you can do in this moment is focus on you, not where you stand compared to others.
You’re about to be 25, and you’re probably starting to feel like a real adult. You’ve also got a real adult problem. Medical issues suck. They don’t suck any less when you get older, and it’s real shitty life dealt you this problem this early. You need to devote the energy you’ve got to solving that issue first. Are you happy with your doctors + their care plan for you? If not, get a second opinion. If you’re in the US, what’s your insurance look like, are you about to get booted off your parents plan at 26? If so, you need to secure a job with that benefit and hold it down until you can get the care you need, and potentially longer if long term care is required. The apathy + lethargy you feel is at least in part due to the medical issue you’re facing, including the stress that comes with it. You’re #1 priority right now is your health – get that right first and then we can tackle the existential dread.
As for your more meta problems, if I’m reading you right, you’ve got a whole world in front of you and you don’t know your place in it yet. You’re thinking “oh man, Ive been out of school for a bit. Is the next box to check a career? Wow, I got to get on with my career!” You’re not wrong – you should start considering what it is you want to do with your time. But, life isn’t bullet points on a resume, it’s what happens inbetween. Your job, most people’s job, is just something they do for money. I know dedicated people who knew exactly what they wanted to do. I know people who still don’t know what they want to do at 50. There are successes and failures in both camps. But at the end of the day, for most of us, a job is just what we do for money. Find something you can tolerate, and that makes you as much as you can. Money isn’t the source of happiness, but it sure does help.
Beyond work, your life is happening right now. It’s happening every day, and there’s nothing no one can do to slow it down. When you were a kid, I bet you thought once or twice about all the things you wanted to do but couldn’t cause you were a kid. You’re not a kid anymore. What do you want to do?
You are 25 years old next week. You’ve got so much time to do what you want to do, and some time left over to do nothing at all for awhile. Go find a way to do it. Go meet other people who either do it themselves or want to do it with you. Some things you’re gonna suck at, and sucking at something ain’t fun for nobody. Some things you’re gonna do and wonder why you ever wanted to do it. But, if you keep trying things, living your life, you’re gonna find things that make life a little more worth living. If you know what those are already, fantastic go do them! If you don’t know what those are yet, you have a whole lifetime to find out what that is.
I’ve got one hope for you next week. I don’t want you to dread being 25. I hope that you celebrate being 25. You have suffered and made it through the period of your life with the most people telling you what you gotta do and where you gotta go. Now that you’re 25, you get to make the vast majority of those decisions. You get to live your life. That freedom is a little overwhelming once you realize you got it. But, once you accept it and start taking advantage of it, I sincerely think you’re going to start feeling a little better. Take care of yourself.
I had a quarter life crisis I guess in a financial/socioeconomic status at the age of 25 earning hardly 40k-60k.
I really just manned up started studying for my GRE and went into grad school (MBA). to prove myself that I can accelerate faster than my current status.
It worked.
Bottom line: keep pushing yourself.
Speaking for myself, no, I think because we had kids fairly young that I was just too distracted to have one. I hit 40 this December though, that’s been messing with me a little bit. I’m actually doing better more recently but I got hit by it hard for a few months before even realizing what it actually was.
Personally I just started focusing on the day to day. Focus on my health in diet and exercise. Try to keep learning things and having new experiences. Find a hobby and let yourself get REALLY into it. Like this year I rediscovered skiing and found that between the exhilaration and the physical exercise, it was a great way to get out of my own head.
I definitely did. Spent all my savings on a master’s degree and made a life in Asia.
I’ll have a midlife crisis at 25 and a quarter life crisis at 50. Gotta keep life interesting!
Looks like I’ve been in a constant state of midlife crisis for the past 10 years. Time to level up!
I did, and it was made worse by the place I was in. I was 2 years removed from my longest, deepest relationship. Failed on my EMT-A national registration test. Living at home. Current FWB relationship was very abusive. Working a job I probably wouldn’t have if my family didn’t own the business, and it is a crap job. Felt like a genuine waste of life. Less than a year later, everything would upturn though.
At 25 I quit my job and went back packing for 2 months. 27 now and feeling like I should do that again lol.
27f here, but hope this helps. Rule number 1 is to stop comparing yourself to others. You should only compare yourself to who you were before. We all live different life, were dealt with different hands. Best thing we all can do is to keep improving ourselves. Medical issue is a sure way to get anyone in life crisis too; not just certain age group. For now, focus on solving your medical issue or recovery of an illness. You can start planning more after that’s handled.
I spent almost all 2022 dealing with numbness down my arms and fingers. It really took a toll on my mental. I couldn’t work, drive, lie down, sit down; everything I did my arms and fingers were constantly numb. All those doctor appointments, months of therapy, dealing with insurance, had to stop working completely for 6mths due to my issue, completely relied on my savings; it was instant depression. Let’s not even start on how medication in general affect our energy, mood, and even weight. Jan-Apr last yr I spent my days with really low energy due to doctors kept changing my meds (2 pain reliefs + neuro meds + gastric meds). My MRI was clear of nerve compressions. The first 7 doctors concluded strained muscle. They didn’t know why I kept having nerve problems down my arms and fingers, and how heat and ultrasound therapy to relax muscles made my condition worse instead. The 8th doctor was finally smart enough to diagnose me with mild lower cervical instability due to Hypermobility Syndrome Disorder. He referred me to a good physiotherapist and my recovery journey began. I wasn’t able to think how my life was gonna be until I met my 8th doctor, which was in July. You get my point? If you’re sick pretty badly, or dealing with medical bills, you won’t be able to see past that for now. Focus on recovery, then plan again. One step at a time.
I did.
It started by being promoted to a high level position and doubling my salary.
A few months later, Dumped a Girlfriend of a few years because I thought I deserved a more attractive, cooler GF.
Bought a Porsche.
Got a amazing condo.
Started dating and sleeping w as many girls as I could.
Became a raging alcoholic party animal.
Moved a GF and her daughter into condo.
Became a depressed rock bottom alcoholic starting each day w 6 shots at 6am
Went to alcohol detox Voluntarily for 3 days.
Was sober for 72 days
Went back out on my birthday and again restarted my alcoholic engine.
That was the end of my quarter life crisis.
In the following years…
Found a wife, got married, had kids, bought dream house.
Sober again for the long haul this time.
When I turned 25, I was a bartender. Debating what I was gonna do with my life. I was interested in medicine but didn’t know if I had what it took. Then I met this girl lol
Love of my life. Just knowing her and being with her, inspired me to start my own business. She was a student. So that’s what I did when I was 25. Started an online business while she went to school for nursing.
Eventually, 6 years later, she graduated, cheated, and left me for a co worker. That did a number on me and my mental health.
And now, at 35, I regret not studying medicine.
My point is, you’ll have more of these. You’ll never feel sure about what you’re doing. Honestly, I think everyone is winging it
Sure. There is no such thing as fallen behind.
Good you finally learn that health is all that matters.
Those 2 years are not going to do shit to your career.
“Hope it’s a quarter life crisis and not a half life crisis” from my parents really put some life choices into perspective for me.