My husband and I separated two weeks ago, when I discovered that I have been the subject of his video voyeurism for the past 5 years. I am still very tender, angry, and emotional. He has started therapy and I am moving out of state this weekend, but will be returning every month for work (staying in a hotel).
Our 23rd anniversary is in August, the same day he is going to be in our friend’s wedding. Before all this happened, I planned on attending the wedding. He asked me this morning if I was still going, or if he should RSVP for one. I told him to RSVP for one, to which he responded, “So we aren’t going to celebrate our anniversary this year?”
I mean…am in the wrong here? I feel like there is nothing to celebrate. I don’t know what my state of mind is going to be two months from now. If his therapy is working, we could be at a point where we might be able to be friends, but at this moment I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust him again, and certainly can’t imagine being intimate with him again. So do I just tell him, that no, we aren’t going to celebrate? Or do I wait and see? What would you all do?
23 comments
I wouldn’t. What’s there to celebrate?
“ I was an asshat and ruined this marriage and now you wont celebrate that destroyed relationship with me?” Yeah unless you take him to therapy I’m not sure he is going. What a complete tool. Move on and have your best life!
What is there to celebrate? Sounds like it’s ending..
I well remember your initial post and support you doing what you did. I would not pay heed to the date or him. It’s obvious he’s lacking empathy for your feelings and doesn’t understand the depth of his depravity.
I’d continue with my life.
Is he being facetious?
Why would you celebrate a marriage when you’re separated and he crossed such a major boundary? He’s dumb for even asking 🤦🏻♀️
He doesn’t deserve the comfort of normalcy after how he’s violated you
Is this man delusional? You’re quite literally moving out of state. Is he in denial? Doesn’t recognize that he shat the bed and now has to lie in it? I’m so sorry. You’re not wrong.
I think your husband has major emotional issues and is obviously struggling with compulsions and selfish delusions. That aside, that’s his struggle and he NUKED your relationship all by himself. You don’t owe him to pretend like everything is fine by “celebrating” your relationship. That would be a total farce. He wants you to comfort him and tell him it’ll all be fine boo boo. Well, it won’t. My abusive ex announced he was leaving me and had divorce papers ready on our 2nd wedding anniversary. He left me, left the state, then came whimpering back when his life actually got worse, and I took him back on the basis of his being in constant therapy. Well, the relationship was obviously nuked so before a year was up after the divorce, the abuse was still there and I called it quits. Well, after doing absolutely nothing fot our ACTUAL wedding anniversaries (except for divorce papers , I guess) he sent me a beautiful bouquet after we were not speaking for almost a year. It felt like this. Totally tone deaf. Totally manipulative. I’m sorry this has happened to you. This is bad.
There’s nothing to celebrate at this stage. I would tell him that the next time a celebration is in order will be the day you get your copy of the divorce decree.
Your marriage was on the rocks it appears. Your husband has anger issues. And now he secretly tapes you. Did you find out if he’s been sharing them with others? Sorry OP.
Is there honestly anything you still want with this marriage? You aren’t having sex and won’t be indefinitely. Sleeping in other rooms. Constant anger from husband. Coming back from five day business trip and no hello or affection, but immediate arguments. I’d personally plan my exit strategy. Spend the rest of your life with someone who’s happy to see you everyday. And respects you.
‘What anniversary?’
I would celebrate getting out and the most important part of that celebration is he is not there. He’s trying to manipulate you OP.
Not this year. Full stop
I remember your post.
Your husband is just trying to avoid the awkward “ where’s wifey?” Questions and wants to put on a mask if “everything is fine” so he doesn’t have to deal with his raw shame of being a creep to his wife.
I would hard pass on any celebration. Doesn’t mean you can’t reconcile if he does a lot of work and you choose to give him another chance but for now he can live with consequence.
It’s appalling that he would even ask. Seriously? He’s going to guilt-trip *you*? Tell him to bring that conversation to his therapist.
He is trying to guilt trip you.
He screwed up big time, and these are the consequences he has to deal with.
It’s ridiculous that he is playing victim in a situation that he created. He’s not taking any accountability for his actions.
Don’t participate in his delusion that you have anything to celebrate.
Your post history makes it look like you two have probably been slowly separating for a long time. Probably started long before the video-taping came to light. Your husband probably just hasn’t 100% been able to internalize that it’s over-over. Not, “I’m super pissed so stay away from me for a while” over.
I’d tell him not a chance. I remember your post and I’m angry on your behalf that he even asked you this. It feels like he isn’t taking responsibility for what he did.
Why are you dragging this out?
Sounds like extenuating circumstances may put it on hold. Oh well
‘People celebrate their anniversaries in honour of reaching that milestone. Our marriage is over, so we did not reach 23 years of marriage. Therefore we don’t have a 23rd anniversary and won’t be celebrating’