My wife and I have been married for 5 years. We have gone through so much together and always managed to get through tough times no matter what the circumstances were. We were going through a rough patch last year and times were hard but I always thought we would work through things like we always did. But instead my wife wanted to seperate. I was extremely dissapointed and relentlessy agreed because I didn’t want my marriage to end. We did agree that we wouldn’t be seeing other people. I moved out of our apartment and moved in to a small apartment.

The first couple of weeks of seperation were very hard on me but I managed to push through it. After that I changed my focus an started prioziting different aspects of my life. I started putting in more effort at work and also started to consistently work out to keep my mind off of the seperation. And after having this routine for a couple of months, my life started slowly improving. I felt better and healthier and was motivated again. I started going out with friends again and started having fun without my wife in mind. I met some great people and am definitely enjoying it. I also moved to a bigger and better condo and started building my own life instead of just waiting for her.

Through out all of this, I have realized that being in this seperation, is me just waiting for my wife to dictate the terms of our marriage and I’m just waiting for her to make a decision that could hugely impact my life. I don’t see any benefits towards our marriage that has come from this seperation. I want to take my life back in my hands instead of just waiting on her to do whatever she pleases. This includes my dating life. I met some great women over the past few months and I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t interested in getting to know them more in a romantic way. But I will never overstep the boundaries of our marriage and would never cheat.

My wife and I have casual communication at most the past few months and have seen eachother a handfull of times. I’m done waiting on her and want to move on with my life. I want to end our marriage but have no clue how to bring this up. How do I navigate this situation as clean and as healthy as possible?

EDIT: Important note that I didn’t make in my post is that we have a daughter and that she is really the only reason I’m holding on so long. But through out all of this I never lost contact with her and saw her as much as I could.

36 comments

  2. This sounds a lot like my marriage, glad to hear you bounced back.

    Depending on the state you live in, separation means the day you moved out you can’t be nailed for cheating if you decide to date right now. It’s also the date most courts look at for things like spousal support. Really all you need to do is speak to a lawyer and file for divorce. If you have no more mixed assets then it may be quite easy.

  3. Just do what you did here. Explain how you are feeling, how the separation has made you view your life differently and what you want from life. It seems pointless to continue holding onto the relationship (on both sides) when there does not seem like actual effort or progress is being made.

    I hope you get the amicable split for both of your sakes.

  6. Do you think she is waiting for you? Do you think she has a side piece? She probably is keeping you on the back burner while she is out test driving some different models. If something fails she will come back. I wouldn’t be a plan B and don’t have to talk to her. Just talk to a lawyer and you can back date the separation.

  7. > But instead my wife wanted to seperate

    Five bucks she’s already with somebody new. Another five says that this other guy is *why* she wanted to separate. Time to move on.

  10. Date other people fk her silly rules. You’re seperated & haven’t seen each other much, she’s being totally unreasonable & has got you by the bollcks

  11. I would tell her that during the separation you’ve realized how incompatible you were – and then thank her for enforcing the separation, because otherwise you wouldn’t have realized it, and you both would have been stuck in a situation with more downs than ups. Then tell her you want to make it permanent, and that you should both find a lawyer.

  12. You want to end your marriage and you don’t know how to bring this up!

  13. Pretty sure you’re the only one who’s been not seeing other people during the separation.

  15. Why not this:

    “Through out all of this, I have realized that being in this seperation, is me just waiting for you to dictate the terms of our marriage and I’m just waiting for you to make a decision that could hugely impact my life. I don’t see any benefits towards our marriage that has come from this seperation. I want to take my life back in my hands instead of just waiting on you to do whatever you please.

    I’m done waiting on you and want to move on with my life.”

  17. Just talk to a lawyer and get the ball rolling. Also while you’re remaining celibate I highly doubt she’s sitting at home pining over you. Don’t be surprised if she’s been seeing other guys and keeping you as a plan B.

  18. File for divorce if you don’t want to wait for your wife to dictate the terms of your marriage. It is literally that simple. You sound like you have moved on, so move on.

  19. Please get a lawyer and get the process started.

    Think of it this way: Out of the five years of your marriage, you’ve been separated for a year. I have a feeling that your wife was growing distant much before that. She has taken actions to physically separate from you. It sounds like she has already moved on. Why don’t you?

  23. Just tell her that you’ve learned a lot and yourself during this “separation”, one of them being that you need to take control of your own life and stop waiting to see what happens next. Therefore, you’re ready to move this living separate lives thing to its eventual conclusion. You’ll let her know the name and contact info of the attorney you choose.

  24. Think about that little girl and how she will grow up to be make her realize your mistakes and be a better person

  25. I am guessing you want to do this clean ie without emotions boiling over and healthy to mean that good communication and a respectful co parenting can continue.

    So this depends on the communication and honesty you already have. What kind of communication style you have in place already.

    Ask to get a babysitter, do something that allows you to talk about the future and yet has privacy, cars can often be useful as a neutral place to talk, parked though is good. Again it is something you can appoach as a logical extension of your separation.

    You don’t seem to have worked on getting back together, no dating together to revisit your early passion so I don’t see any reason why she would consider that the separation would lead to reconciliation. You could start a discussion about setting a schedule and what the rules of dating other people, ie 6 months before introducing another partner. You could ask her what her plans for the future are to get a read on her expectations.

    It really depends on a lot of factors, but ideally keep emotions out of it, be factual and logical and don’t get dragged into any arguments. If it goes badly say that “you can see she is upset, so lets pause here and evaluate”.

    I would though get a lawyer’s advice just so you don’t offer things that won’t work, that shows you are serious about a divorce, that way shows you are being direct about the situation.

  26. This is me right now. My (25m) wife (24f ) left me 6 months ago. 7 years of relation si 2 of marriate. She wanted to spen more time with her family. (She sees them everyday, but for her wasn t enough)

    We didn t divorce, but we separated. Thing is, she changed alot, she is not the person i used to love. Now she wants to try again, but somehow, on hers terma. I have to kiss her only when she wants, meet her like twice a week. She have alot of free time, but for me she doesn t have time.

    I was a mess when she left me, but I realized I wasn t truly happy with her, and now, if we will get back, i know for sure I will not be 100%happy. Now i plan to move to another city and she is devastated, because I was alqays there for her, even now, if she have a problem, I m the first who calls.

  27. Let her know its time to make it official and get the ball rolling so you can both move on with your lives. During this time you have grown apart from her as I imagine she has from you. Its the best way to end on a positive note so you can remain friends.

    If she has future ( or possibly current ) prospects with other gents I imagine she will be all good with that. If she has had no luck she will try and get back with you. Make sure you have a response ready for either scenario.

    **Dont tell her its because you want to get busy with the ladies**

  28. Like the comments are saying get yourself a lawyer first before you say anything to her.

    You should break the news to your wife face to face, tell her what you told us here, and leave her to process things (I wouldn’t give her the divorce papers right there and then).

  30. Sometimes separation in a marriage doesnt work positively for both of you but it does work positively for both of you in separate different ways. You for instance.
    Your waiting on her for her decision is way overdue close to a year. My gut feeling is that she might just be waiting for you to make a decision she could bring herself to tell you.
    Why not you make the call and sit down and discuss that you want a amicable divorce and go separate ways separate lives. An amicable divorce because the marriage didnt work out. Loss of interest toward each other, re loss of love or along those lines. No faults like cheating on each other. Who knows she might be on the same page as you wanting a divorce, but couldnt get it out her to tell you.? Dont drag on something seriously as this. Dont wait till it gets worse before it gets any better. You already seeing woman when you should hv not. Clearly you hv breached the agreed boundaries in this separation.

  31. 18 years I’ve been with my husband and we have separated once about 12 years in. It was a make or break moment for us. We both needed space to find out what we really wanted from our relationship or if it was time to just go. The separation lasted just over a week, he stayed at a friend’s house. We chose to work on us and get counseling. I guess my point is that it should not take months to figure out what she really wants. You’ve already moved on mentally which means even if she asked you to come back and you did you wouldn’t actually be 100 percent in the relationship. Don’t keep your life on hold for someone who doesn’t value your time.

  32. It’s not cheating if you two are separated.

    A therapist can help mediate difficult conversations. Otherwise call her over the phone and let her know that you are ready to discuss what should be in the financial settlement and parenting agreement. It sounds like she will be open to a discussion since she barely talks with you (and so is unlikely wanting to get back together).

  33. If you tell her you want to date other people shell be at your house in 5 minutes begging you back. She doesnt want to lose you all you had to do this entire time was stand up for yourself. I guarantee take control of your relationships and life starting today

  34. No one should ever hold onto a relationship for the supposed sake of children by “keeping the family whole.” You’re only hurting everyone (especially your daughter) more in the end whether you want to believe it or not. What good is being around one another when you do not feel whole around them? Obviously, your daughter will be hurt from you and your wife’s separation, but this will save her from hurting possibly even more later (because no one likes being given false hopes) from what looks like an inevitable divorce. No healthy relationship should ever go without genuine intimacy for as long as you’ve mentioned. And if you feel uncomfortable talking about what you’ve already shared, show her *this* Reddit post.

  35. “My wife wanted to separate”

    Translation: she wanted to go out and sleep with other people, while keeping you as a backup plan incase she couldn’t find anyone better to commit.

    Leave her, keep improving yourself.

Leave a Reply
You May Also Like