Am I wrong to feel humiliated?

7 comments

1. You’re not wrong and you’re not overreacting. Did he ask for your permission before showing condom to everyone?

   What he did is insanely disrespectful. I’m noticing couple of details here – his friends were downstairs while you had sex for the first time and he was 2 years older than you and more experienced.

   I think it’s very likely he planned the event to show off. Honestly, I’m surprised you found it okay, because bunch of other girls would certainly not.

2. Hmm, couple different angles to think about here.

   Was his behavior normal, respectful, caring, or in tune with ordinary boundaries? No, it’s really not any of those things. It would have been way more sane to, oh, I dunno, cuddle and enjoy the afterglow with you than go dashing off for whatever showing all his buddies the condom was all about. Maybe he craves their approval or whatever. It’s also involving them in your sex life without you enthusiastically consenting to it. I really think he should have reined in his urge to do that. It made you, his partner, uncomfortable.

   But. That’s definitely a him problem, not a you problem, so you’re not under any obligation to feel the shame of his questionable social behavior on his behalf. I can’t feel your feelings for you or tell you how important they are or aren’t, but my advice is if possible not to let it rule you. Ten years is kind of a long time ago to still be dwelling on it, if that makes sense? Maybe just give it an eyeroll, be like “Yeah in retrospect that wasn’t a great moment”, but also realize it doesn’t have the power to stain you forever or anything. What’s their to be humiliated about? That he felt good enough to cum in the condom having sex with you and he has poor social skills? That reflects poorly on him.

   So my advice would be try not to torture yourself over his misbehavior, let the feelings run their course, hopefully they’ll weaken and it’ll be easy to leave them in the rear view mirror where they belong. Those feelings probably your mind’s way of reminding you that his (not your) actions were pretty out of bounds even way back then, maybe to help put the current breakup into context.

3. I suspect he might feel humiliated if he was confronted about the behavior of an immature, self-centered, insensitive 17 year old, but none of those descriptors apply to you. You were a victim of his misbehavior, let it go.

4. I would reframe the situation. When you slept with this person for the first time*, he was very immature and an asshole. He didn’t even know how to conduct himself with a woman or in polite company. So, the embarrassment of that action isn’t yours. It’s his. Worth noting, whether or not he sees it that way is irrelevant. Because that’s what you’ve described and I think a fairly neutral observer would see it that way.

   Coming back to your feelings, it’s normal to feel embarrassed after being exposed for having sex. However, that would have been justified even if he didn’t do that particular action and instead, say, made too much noise and others heard. So, while it’s fair to feel embarrassed from being exposed, there is no need to feel humiliated. That embarrassment is his as no decent man wants to be known for being unable to maturely handle himself with a woman.

   *I word it this way because I have no idea what he was like after

5. We all do stupid things and be part of stupid things when we are young. Don’t be hard on yourself for something that happened like a decade ago.

6. He acted like a boorish child. You didn’t. I don’t know how much he grew up in subsequent years, but presumably you are on to new relationships going forward without fear of embarrassments like this. Try and forget it.

7. The overreaction is less in feeling that he was gross to do that and more in still thinking about it often a decade later.

   May need to work with a therapist on this.