My boyfriend makes every sexual encounter awkward. We can’t do anything more than kiss or it gets weird. If we start to make out he’ll pause and make eye contact then let out an awkward giggle. When he fingers me it looks like he is sleeping, head down and eyes closed. He doesn’t ever eat me out and if he fucks me? he can only do it missionary, which isn’t much fun for me, if we try another position he can’t get it up.
When I try to pleasure him it isn’t usually fun for me at all, although I try to always act enthusiastic. I love pleasing him but he is so silent and doesn’t touch me much, which is why I don’t think it is fun for me. If I give him a bj I want him to moan, say fuck, touch my face. If we are making out bite my lip, when we fuck touch my body, pull my hair, anything to show me you are enjoying this.
It honestly feels like I’m fucking a robot and it is ruining my relationship with him. I’ve tried to talk to him about it and he either says he’ll try to touch me more next time or that he just feels weird doing it. I love his personality outside of sexual contact, he isn’t a romantic but tries hard and I see it. He is funny, kind, genuine and doesn’t take shit from people plus has helped me a ton with my mental health. We have been dating 2 years and I just hope sex will get better but it never does.
TLDR; my boyfriend makes sex awkward and it is ruining my relationship with him
49 comments
Is it possible that you’re the first person he has been with? Do you know if he has any trauma by chance? Y’all need to sit down and have a serious talk about how you’re feeling and how he’s feeling. Be clear but don’t be rude about it.
Ask for what you want in the moment. A lot of conversations are better had at a neutral time, but this is one that’s completely fine to have in the moment. Take the lead! Tell him what you want. “Oooh, yeah, does that feel good, baby? How good?” Outright grab his hand and place it where you want. Display what you mean. If you don’t put it all on him to figure out, it may go better.
And if it doesn’t get less awkward, then you have to figure out if this is a deal breaker for you or not.
You gotta lead, you gotta teach him, talk to him, tell him what you want and how to do it. You’ve got to come out of your shell a little too even if you feel a bit awkward. It sounds like he’s a bit inexperienced and self conscious, but other than that he sounds like a good fit for you.
You’re going to get out of this relationship what you put in, it may take a bit of hard work and time but the rewards a going to be there from your description. don’t forget to have fun!!!
I bet he’s feeling it too and can’t relax/get it up because he’s in his head too much, worrying how he performs. Try to show him, that you feel comfortable, try to make him laugh during sex, show him that it’s okay to just let go and enjoy.
It’s just a thing between the two of you after all, he needs to learn to be vulnerable in front of you.
Did you talk to him?
Have you actually tried having a conversation with him about this?
Talk to him about it and give him some time to adapt. I bet he wants to pleasure you as well.
You’re sexually incompatible. Break up.
Well, it is said that sex is 10% of the relationship but when it goes bad it’s 90% of the reason why. All you can do is try to make it fun light and keep trying but eventually you’re gonna have to decide if it doesn’t improve at all what do you want to do the relationship or not.
It’s an important component, and if it’s not good, that’s your life.
I feeeel like he is very insecure and feels shame
I mean is he asexual and either doesn’t understand or doesn’t know how to portray that across to you?
>When he fingers me it looks like he is sleeping, head down and eyes closed.
Auugghh this gave me a flashlack! It’s so creepy!
Have a serious conversations with him about this
He probably has ADHD. Same thing happened to my partner. He’s distracted and is dissociating (he can’t control it). You should try to remain chill, make a plan for sex so that things don’t have to be rushed and spur of the moment. Look into beginners BDSM for some planning tips and suggestions (nothing hardcore, I’m talking candles, mood setting, rolling dice, using specific textures/clothing/blankets, etc; very chill)
>I’ve tried to talk to him about it
When you say you’ve tried, how direct have you been? If I were him, I’d want it unfiltered, as bluntly as you’ve put it in your post. You aren’t coming from a bad place, you want the best for both of you, you’re open about helping him improve. He shouldn’t take it badly. If he does, then that’s also a sign of how he handles criticism. In addition, if it doesn’t work out and you exit the relationship, you will know you did everything you could, instead of having guilt about this later.
Communication is my tip
He probably likes d!*k.
He sounds like he’s gay or bisexual.
Well there’s a few things here. You say you two have talked. How did that conversation go, and do you two smoke together? Do you explicitly tell him what and how you want him? Are you a dead fish in bed? Do you compliment or make any noises, does he compliment you or make any noises? Are you his first partner? Is he yours? Do either of you do any sort of drugs together, because you previous posts talk about you trying ketamine and other harder substances besides weed/dab
Start in missionary, change position during, when he’s already hard.
He seems to get off on eye contact so cowgirl to start with.
Doggy you can look over your shoulder provocatively.
Is your boyfriend Mark Zuckerberg 😂
Honestly, that kind of passiveness during sex would be a deal breaker for me. I’m (33m) like you, I need the passion and the noises to know I’m doing something right! Pushing my head down, running hands through my hair, pushing back on me… all clear signs the other person is enjoying it.
If coaching in the moment doesn’t do anything here, then maybe it’s time to sit down and have a more deep dive conversation about this and explain your needs, because it will just grow resentment over time. Good luck OP
There are sex therapists that you both can go to for help.
I definitely gotta say that this a plus because you get to teach him some things! Just think, when you teach someone, it’s the clearest sign that they’ve never before done whatever you’re teaching them . With women I’ve dated in the past, it was honestly a turn off if they knew all kinds of crazy tricks in the bedroom. Always made me think “damn, how many bodies did it take her to become a pro like this .” LOL! I mean when someone is crazy good at something, you know they had to of put days /months /years of practice in to get to where they’re at now. Idk it’s just not the type of thought i want running through my mind when I’m having sex. But anyhow, good luck to you OP I hope the intimacy improves!
Sounds like a confidence issue.
Are you his first girlfriend by any chance ?
I dated a guy like that once. Same age as you. He was truly a wonderful person, great friend, etc.
But sex was just not it. And he’d finish very soon with very little foreplay. I found it hard initiating as well, because he was so awkward.
I found myself wanting to party more and started flirting with other people. I knew that was a sign that I had to end things. He deserved better than that.
Now, I’m not saying you should break up, but as a lot of other posters have been saying, there are resources, sex therapists, etc. You got this!
Are you his first by chance? I was my husband’s first and he was awkward as hell for the first while because he had no experience and didn’t know what was acceptable behavior. He’s still deathly quiet, but is getting better.
Girl, just bail. You’re too young to put up with this long term. Some people aren’t sexually compatible
At 23 and he can only get it up in missionary, something is truly wrong. At that age he should be getting it up 29 times a day just living.
Sounds real boring. Has he ever watched porn and copied what he sees them do?
You really need him get a testosterone level test to see if he’s abnormally low. Which sounds he is.
Is he in the closet? At 23 I was usually hard even if I didn’t want to be.
You definitely need to talk to him about it, he might be feeling the awkwardness too, he may be a bit unconfident and not really know what he’s doing, try new things and see if that helps
You two probably have quite different or not easily combined kinks.
Some thing just aren’t changeable. I am all for trying to meet eachother halfway. But it sounds as if you already have communicated the things you want to try, and that he generally wants to try for you, but just doesn’t when it comes to sex.
That makes me suspect that he *can’t* change. The closed eyes, quiet, immobility. That’s probably his expression of sexual arousal. Given that you’ve tried so long to make him give you something, I think he’s really stuck and is unable to.
Even if he now tried to force words or actions, they’d probably feel very fake and likely not arousing to you as I doubt he’d be very good at it.
You can absolutely try sex therapy, watch porn together that you select, and see if you can spice it up a little. But you probably have to accept that this is how he is and a little spice now and then is the best you can expect from him. Then you either live with that or decide that you need a better sexual life. It’s hard but people in relationships makes this choice all the time unfortunately, either from the beginning or after years together when one can’t/don’t want to have sex any longer.
Good sex typically takes time. He sounds nervous, help him by communicating what you want him to do.
Give him directions.
Ask him to do things during intercourse not after.
Is he addicted to p*rn ? He could go numb mentally =not getting it up nor he is very specific in what he likes
Or something has happened trauma ?
23, END IT. You’re to young to be waisting time with him. He has no shot at getting better at it…
Sexual compatibility is important. No if’s and but’s about it, if he doesn’t care to improve and just lies about changing then I’d leave.
You are not compatible, be brave or be miserable.
He sounds shy. Maybe he is intimidated by you. He may need some catalyst to open up.
When he does something that you like, tell him enthusiastically that you liked it.
Whatever you do, do not get frustrated and confront him about it during the sex. That will ruin it forever. Talk about it with him separately.
There’s a lot of questions to be asked:
– have you talked to him about your concerns and what did he say?
– does he watch porn and masturbate, if so how often? He could be desensitised
– are you his first? He’s probably not experienced and needs time to adjust
– does he have mental health issues or disability, that could contribute to some of his behaviours.
– is he asexual?
Suggest talking about things but it seems like you may not be sexually compatible. You like vocal expressive men, he isn’t. You need to talk to him about these things and figure out if it’s right for both of you.
Going soft happens to a lot of men more than you realise, it just depends on the cause of it, but it’s not you. Some are too much in their heads, some are desensitised from watching porn and masturbating too much, so regular human contact isn’t enough for them. That can be reversed but it takes time, understanding and patience. Reacting negatively to him going soft just makes it worse, it will happen more frequently because he’s anxious about going soft and disappointing you, and he will probably not want sex because of the fear of going soft.
I don’t know how you’ve made it two years, I would have had the ick from day 2. You need to have a real “come to Jesus” talk about how much this is affecting you and if he still isn’t willing to make an effort, move on.
I was in relationship with an almost non existent sex life and for 12 years I hoped it would get better and would have the same non productive talks you are and when I finally couldn’t take it anymore, I had to start over at 32.
You’re way too young to be having bad sex, especially for 2 years!!
This doesn’t sound good… That said, I gotta ask this since you are both young:
Are you actually telling him / showing him what you like and dislike? As much as I can relate with your frustration: he is not a mindreader, and being great in bed isn’t exactly what you get taught by your parents. These days many men are afraid to be too intrusive and pushy sexually because some women complain how rough and inconsiderate their partner is. And then other women complain their partner is too soft, clumsy, basic and helpless. Are you his first?
Watching porn makes most guys too quiet in bed.
That would be me up until the only missionary stuff.
Seems like he doesn’t know he’s gay.
Some people have issues with intimacy and sex. Therapy may help – as its easier to have someone help you both through this than have it on bf. As he may have a bad head space with sex.
OP needs to initiate and guide the activities to what they like. If partner is unwilling to try or change – break up.
But if OP says or does nothing it’s their fault
Sounds like a therapist is needed couples counseling
And sex therapist.
He needs the tools to better understand what he needs to do and how to please u
Is he open to seeing a sex therapists? It sounds to me like he has some mental blocks around sex or something else is going on that makes him uncomfortable with sex even though he wants it. I have no idea of course but that’s what it sounds like