My wife and I are high school sweethearts and have been married since she graduated HS (about 4 years). We decided about 2 years ago that we were ready to start trying for a baby. Everything up to this point in the marriage was great. She was the perfect partner, supportive and caring. Everything has changed in the last year-ish.
We have been trying for a baby for a little over 2 years now with no luck. After the first year, we followed the general advice that something may be wrong, so we started going to fertility doctors. We have both been tested inside and out and there is nothing found as a reason why we aren’t conceiving. “Unexplained fertility.” It seems that she may be blaming me for this, which probably explains her behavior towards me.
In the last year or so she has made me stop drinking caffeine (no coffee/tea/energy drinks) even though the doctors advised that caffeine intake for me should be fine as long as it’s below 400mg/day. She has made me stop taking my prescription medication. She now controls what I eat; she makes our meals, but For example, last night I wanted an extra slice of pie and she said “No.”. (For the record we’re both fit/slim).
She has read random articles on the internet or has superstitious beliefs or something related to all of the items above that she no longer allows me to do. When I push back and say that I depend on caffeine to get through my day or that I really want to take my meds to keep my skin condition under control, or sometimes I really just want an extra snack after a long day, I’m met with “You shouldn’t do that, it can have a negative impact on us conceiving. Don’t you care about starting a family with me? If you did you should try everything in your power to help. Even if it is a small chance that it’s right, wouldn’t you want to do that for us?”
I can understand where she’s coming from, and I acknowledge that she is also giving up things. But after more than a year of giving up these things, I am miserable. I miss my caffeine. I miss my clear skin. I miss being able to choose what I do. I feel like I have lost agency over my own body. And when I try to vocalize this and stand up for myself, I’m always met with the same guilt trip.
I just really needed to vent and I guess hope that someone out there who maybe has similar experiences can help me cope or give me some solid advice. Thanks for reading this.
37 comments
Make an appointment to see a couple’s therapist. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
She’s concerned and overwhelmed that she is not getting pregnant. Fertility issues can be so difficult for women who experience that. So, on one hand, be compassionate and understanding.
At the same time, do not allow her to control you like this. The fact that she is not letting you take prescription medication is worrying. You should put a stop to this immediately. You need to tell her she is taking things too far and it is putting a strain on the marriage. Let her know this is serious and she needs to have a more balanced perspective.
Do what you want to do, you do not need to obey her. Have her speak to a professional if she cannot adjust.
Ill get the “loose” argument out of the way. You are an adult, if you want caffeine then drink it. If you want that slice of pie, get it. What she said to you when you attempted to stand up for yourself is classic manipulation. She does not dictate what you can and cannot consume.
But, above all that, you take a prescription medication for a skin condition. Jesus Christ if someone told me I couldn’t take a medication I need for my health, they can go fuck themselves. I get she wants to have a kid and is probably stressed as to why it hasn’t happened, but all she is doing is building your resent towards her. As long as she continues to do this, you will start to grow angry and resentful towards her. Talk to her about your stance and don’t let her control your life. It’s one thing to encourage someone (e.i. help them exercise, diet, eat less, etc.) if they are unhealthy or overweight, but you said you are fit and the doctors stated these do not contribute to your fertility. And for fucks sake tell her to stop believing posts online, especially ones that come from [ultimatebabyhavingguide.org](https://ultimatebabyhavingguide.org) and not from actual sources.
It sounds like this is unsustainable and it’s time set some boundaries.
Ex “I love you, and I *am* going to do x, y and z. These are hard boundaries for me and not up negotiation. I understand that you feel hurt and disappointed.” Or even “im happy to talk with you about your feelings of disappointment, so long as it’s clear that im going to continue engaging in these behaviors and our conversations do not become pressure for me to do otherwise.”
Ultimately, if you go that route she’d need to decide if she’s willing to live with your boundaries and stay with you (assuming you still want to stay at this point) or not. Infertility is awful. I’ve lived it. But she’s engaging in magical thinking—none of these things are really going to fix your infertility issues. You know that. And ultimately it’s not okay for her to be dictating every aspect of how you live to soothe her anxieties and give her false feelings of control about that situation.
> You shouldn’t do that, it can have a negative impact on us conceiving
You know what else can have a negative impact on conceiving? Massive amounts of stress courtesy of a partner who is controlling your every move.
Before giving advice I need to ask, is this extremely out of character for her or have there been other aspects of your relationship over which she’s exerted control? Where you go from here will depend on whether this is entirely new behavior or an escalation of previous behavior.
At this point, I’d tell her (as gently as you can) that her behaviors are becoming increasingly toxic and controlling, and that’s unhealthy for everyone and for your marriage, so you need them to stop and both of you to go to counseling together before you’re willing to continue the baby-making journey. That you have serious concerns about the damage the stress is doing to both of you and really need that damage addressed before continuing.
Going down rabbit hole after rabbit hole of iffy information to the extent that she’s allowing it to control both your lives is incredibly unhealthy and it needs to stop.
Your post is a great reason to reevaluate your marriage and having children.
Solid advice would be to stop letting your wife control, manipulate and guilt you. You are a grown adult who has full bodily autonomy. You are empowered to decide if you want coffee, a 2nd piece of cake and that taking your medicine not only helps you skin but also helps your mental health (feeling good about yourself).
She doesn’t get to diagnose you nor control you. She may need to go to see a mental health professional.
p.s. come back and update us when you find out that she’s been taking b.c. all along.
You guys need to stop trying to conceive, get into couples counseling, and your wife needs individual therapy. She’s not handling this well. It’s understandable to be upset/sad/whathaveyou over this – but her reaction is not ok.
But you’re going to have to actually stand up to yourself, ignore the guilt trip, and tell her that you won’t be trying to conceive until you guys sort this issue out.
By checked out and everything’s fine im assuming your sperm/sperm count were checked and within normal range? What about her, what did they do to check her, and were you present or see the results yourself? We’re you in the room with her when the dr discussed HER fertility, not just yours?
Im just wondering, because…
1. It’s common to refuse to actually be tested or lie about being tested, because they are in denial it could be something on their end so they deflect blame on the spouse.
It’s more common with men, who eventually leave their wives for someone “fertile” and are gobsmacked when the wife that took the brunt of the infertility blame immediately gets pregnant with her next boyfriend (forgoing birth control because she was ingrained to believe it wasn’t possible on her end) while he goes on to never have bio kids.
But women can have that denial and refusal to believe it could actually be them too.
2. I’ve also heard of women taking birth control while “trying to conceive” as a way to manipulate/control a man. But I’m leaning towards option 1 in your case considering how far down the rabbit hole she’s gone in controlling your fertility/body convinced it HAS to be the most minor, unproven medically even, things in your body despite you being checked. It could be a deflection of blame because she just can’t or won’t accept or acknowledge her own self as a primary reason.
You should put off having a baby and getting into therapy, her more than you. She is being super controlling and causing you both stress which makes getting pregnant harder. Resume your meds. Don’t suffer because of her.
Dude. You’re an adult. You decide what to do about the caffeine & meds or whatnot.
If you really REALLY want a child with this woman, I’m going to tell you a few things;
1. Stress can impact fertility too first of all and she sounds ridiculously stressful
2. My partner & I had issues conceiving due to us both having genetic fertility issues – he didn’t change his routine, I didn’t change mine – other than the fact he started taking vitamins to help with hair growth. We got pregnant (both times) after he was routinely taking them for a few months.
3. You seriously need couples counseling first. Because if this is how she is about just conceiving, how is she going to be during pregnancy? After birth when she has a newborn that she’ll be struggling with? Cause I guarantee you, she will be struggling.
4. You need to seriously stand up for yourself. Please. Swearing off caffeine and everything else is just ridiculous, especially when your doctors are already telling you that you can continue drinking it.
I’m convinced that people this hellbent on getting pregnant probably shouldn’t have a kid. This is extreme. If it were a husband doing this to his wife we’d easily recognize that it’s abusive. She’s keeping you from medication for a SKIN condition? She needs seek a therapist of psychiatric help because this not ok. There’s something about this level of control over a partner in an effort to get pregnant that is just off putting and concerning
If you are taking medication for a skin condition and she is forcing you to stop with no evidence that it would help the fertility issue, she is actively causing you and your health harm. Please get back on your meds and think carefully about whether you really want to or should procreate with this woman. Maybe your body is sending you a message here.
You’ve put up with it long enough. Eat.the pie. Drink the coffee. Dont be mean or weird about it. If she gets physical, tell her you won’t tolerate abuse. I’m sure it’s tough on both of you but this isn’t healthy for either of you. Take the control back, she’s struggling and it’s making you nuts.
You want us to tell you what to say to her to convince her to give you *permission* to do what you want with your body. You don’t need her permission. She’s controlling you because you’re letting her. If you’re waiting for her permission, she’s not gonna give it to you.
You’re gonna have to just stand up to her and tell her you’re gonna do what you want and she can’t stop you. Expect her to raise hell about it. She’ll have to get over it. If you can’t deal with her emotional reaction, just accept you’ll never get to have your caffeine or clear skin or snacks.
If I told my partner he couldn’t eat a particular thing or take his medication, he’d laugh in my face. But I would never tell him that, because I know he would laugh in my face (plus I’m not controlling). Somehow you’ve indicated to your wife that you’re controllable. Maybe you should go to therapy to learn how to stand up for yourself.
I would guess she needs some kind of control since fertility issues are often times out of our control. I would ask her to do the things she feels she needs to do and allow you the freedom to do yours. You don’t need to ask her for permission to eat cake, take your medicine etc nor should you. If she gets upset I’d imagine it warrants some therapy.
Solid advice… counselling. Being desperate to conceive can really mess with people’s heads. And maybe y’all can take a break from trying so hard, since it is just making you both miserable
Hey so this really sounds super unhealthy and possibly even abusive to me. Controlling another adults access to their prescribed medication isn’t ok. Controlling what another adult eats isn’t ok. Overriding another person’s medical advice isn’t ok. I don’t care why they think that it’s justified, it isn’t. /u/ebbie45 has some great resources to help you navigate this. Also check out loveisrespect.org.
“She has made me stop taking my prescription medication..”
This is abuse. The other things are abusive too, but this is absolutely abuse that should be concerning to anyone
Your wife needs to go to therapy. You both might benefit from couples therapy, although to be clear, it’s her behavior that’s the problem here, not yours. This is *not* normal. It’s controlling behavior and I would even call it abuse. There is *no* valid reason for your wife to be depriving you of prescription medication. None.
If this is how your wife treats a grown adult imagine how controlling and manipulative she’ll be with an innocent child. You aren’t any role model for autonomy, setting boundries, or standing up for themselves. With that combo knocking this psycho up, is just providing her a new victim. Stop trying until she agrees to intense longterm therapy. Even then I’d be on high alert.
No to all of this. Body autonomy for ALL.
Take a step back. You two don’t need a pregnancy right now.
I’m going to sound negative, but you 2 have been together since high school. Look up data on the chances of you being together long term.
She’s literally putting her hunger for a pregnancy over your happiness and then, when you push back a bit, deflecting blame on you.
You’re not in a good relationship.
She needs mental health help, she is in an unhealth obsession. You can’t allow her to continue being this controlling, it’s abusive. Yes, even if she just has “baby fever”, she is being controlling and abusive to you. That’s not okay.
She needs a wake-up call.
Therapy.
You think this controlling behavior will improve after having a kid?
Buckle up buddy.
Edit: Fuck therapy, run.
This infertility is a blessing. You guys are way too young in a perfect world, let alone one in which she’s trying to control your every move.
You guys started trying to conceive from age 20? Any particular reason for this?
Oh god why have a child with such a crazy person? I feel sorry for any potential kids of this woman
> She has made me stop taking my prescription medication.
Red flag. Red flag. Red flag. Why do so many people try to control their SO’s medication? I’m not a doctor, and even if I were there’s no way in hell I would try to control a girlfriend’s medication.
In addition to the other advice in this thread, talk to your doctor about your prescription immediately.
yeah this is the universe telling you not to have a baby with the person
Yikes. Do yourself a favor and don’t have children with this woman.
Dude I don’t even want to spend a dinner evening with this girl, she does not have the power to “allow” you to do anything, I know Reddit is full of this shit but this woman is manipulating you and you need to leave
If you think she’s bad now, wait until during pregnancy and then when the kid is born. You’re fucked.
A 22 year old that’s this immature has no business having a kid lol
Too young for children period. Take a few years off from trying.
Everyone here making excuses for her behavior “Because she’s stressed.”
Bro, this is abusive. Not letting you have coffee or an extra slice of pie is one thing. But not letting you take your meds!? She needs therapy. And if she won’t go, you should probably consider divorce. This is really toxic and controlling behavior.