TL;DR: I feel guilty and gross after any kiss. Just want to know if it’s only me with this feeling.
I’m 24F and never had a boyfriend. Late to the party I guess. I feel quite pathetic because of it. I feel left out of life as my friends are all in relationships and feel as though I am missing out on making the kind of mistakes that lead you to knowing what you want in a relationship and how to handle them etc.
I missed a man at a bar on Saturday after being super flirtatious. I didn’t want anything more but I woke up feeling disgusting about it. I feel so cheap and awful and like I don’t even know who I am when I allow myself to (or alcohol allows me to) be more sexual/open to my desires.
This has happened every time I kiss someone since I was younger. From dares at parties to me just living life. In the moment, I want this and enjoy it but immediately after I feel like I don’t know who I am and am ashamed. I worry incessantly for hours about disease; why people think of me missing someone in public; what if everyone hates me because of this, etc. too, without reason.
Am I crazy somehow for feeling like this? It just adds to my hopelessness of never probably finding anyone if I can’t cope with a simple kiss without spiralling. I just don’t know if I trust anyone’s intentions with me at all.
Is there hope for me?
4 comments
Have you been assessed for any neurodivergence?
What was your relationship with your parents like?
What’s your religious background?
Unfortunately, strangers on the internet aren’t in a position to give you an accurate diagnosis of what your experiences or feelings says about you. We don’t know you in any meaningful, and even if we did, we’re not mental health experts.
With that said, I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling conflicted and ashamed with yourself. You’re not crazy – you’re just going through some difficulties, and sound like you could use some help. Is there anyone in your life that you’d be comfortable with seeking an outside opinion from, like a friend or family member you trust? Would you be open to talking this out with a therapist? You don’t have to be “crazy” to talk to a therapist – you could have no diagnosable illness, and they could still offer some insight and help you navigate your own feelings.
I couldn’t claim to have had this exact feeling, but definitely something adjacent. I used to feel a lot of guilt and shame around dating and intimacy, and usually relied on alcohol to get anywhere. I’m a man so it is a different experience, though at times I would pursue men as well. Without a doubt for my experience it was related to low self worth, and feeling that my attention was *inflicted* on people and that made me uncomfortable.
I am pleased to say though that therapy, quitting alcohol, and working on myself and self esteem has, if not totally eliminated the feeling all the time, made it manageable to a point I can have rewarding relationships. I was 30 before any of that work happened though.
This isn’t super uncommon in people who grew up being taught that sexuality is somehow shameful or gross or wrong. The best answer is probably going to be therapy! You certainly do not need to be spiraling out about disease or what if everyone hates you because of a kiss.