In previous posts I have written how I need to be honest with my wife about my porn struggles. For the record. I have been away from it for almost 5 months. I have confessed many times about this. The last time was after 3 months of freedom.
I finally saw my chance to tell her that I feel tempted. She has a shop addiction that has put us in a difficult financial situation and no matter the consequences of it she has a difficult time to stop.
This leads to stress and anxiety for her. So I was trying to help her see that she is looking for something else in the shopping. This has been an issue for many years even before we met she loved buying things. It comes partly from her not being rich but going to school with many rich kids from what I understand.
So I tried to explain to her that she is seeking comfort in the shopping. And then I said “you know how I struggle with porn is not that I want that but I want that comfort it gives…” and then she basically cut me off and started to focus on one of our kids.
We couldn’t talk more but it felt like she didn’t want to listen. Is it worth bringing up again? Should I make her listen or is it better to leave it alone? Not sure. I thought maybe relating it to her struggles could help because we both are stressed.
She once said that she understood how difficult it could be for me because she struggles to not shop when she is online.
I don’t want to push it on her if she doesn’t want to listen.
9 comments
Marriage counseling and planned disclosure may be a good idea if she is in agreement.
Sit down together and create a budget.
I wouldn’t reveal anything to her that hurts her. She knows u struggle. Now find some accountability partners and leave her out of it unless she asks
Therapy/Counseling. Individual and couples.
To be clear…….she doesn’t want to help you with your issues, she just wants you to rid yourself of your issues. As I recall, your wife equates porn with “cheating”, so you’re essentially telling her that you’re tempted to cheat.
You need to learn to process this on your own.
Can you find a time to talk to her about this when she won’t have to deal with the kids? When having an important conversation, it’s a good idea to make sure 1) You both have the time 2) Everyone is relatively well rested and 3) There are no distractions.
Particularly, when having this kind of discussion involving porn and financial issues, this isn’t something you want to be talking about with the kids around unless they’re too small to understand language.
I don’t know that explaining to her why she has a shopping addiction equates to you opening up about a porn addiction. I understand trying to relate but I think you explaining to her why she shops is kind of “mansplaining” and she probably already knows she was raised poor compared to her peers and is now overcompensating. I agree with others, that therapy is really needed here. I would refrain from explaining to her why she shops so much and trying to relate it to your porn addiction. Instead, I would tell her upfront you want to talk to her about your struggles with porn and ask when a good time might be.
Well it seems you both are on the same boat. Addiction comes on many forms. You are a team and need to be honest with each other. You should be able to go to each other with your struggles. Her mind sounds closed off to porn, this could be for a number of reasons, but I do believe she will understand. Don’t suffer in silence.
Only solution for shop addiction is to completely cut her off financially. If it’s her money, separate your finances.
If it’s your income, cut her off, remove her from your Amazon account and all other memberships and credit cards.
The porn thing, don’t tell her about it again. But my ex did the same, shamed me for all of it. Then i discovered pornhub premium on her phone.