I’ve been on an on/off FWB with Dani, who is bi, for some time. She is girlfriends with Sophie, who is lesbian, and they occasionally have threesomes with other people. Dani and I were FWB like a year before she started dating Sophi, but we didn’t see each other as FWB for a while when they first started dating. I did hang out with them many times around other people and often still do.
I’ve been with them a few times (as a FWB) over a few months and it’s basically double-teaming Dani without Sophie and I interacting intimately. There are times when we are both doing things with Dani, but other times when Dani’s attention is on me or when we’re doing something that doesn’t leave much room for someone who doesn’t want to interact with both, Sophie is kind of left fiddling on her side of the bed.
I can’t tell whether her resting face is a bit too serious or if she’s truly not having a good time watching Dani with me. I for one don’t think I could enjoy a threesome with my long-term partner unless I’m interacting with the other woman, too. Maybe there’s a bit of that going on.
Immediately after sex and outside the bedroom Sophie does clearly have a good time, just like when she’s being physically intimate with Dani. I don’t think I’m *that* close to Sophie to talk this out, one on one. Most of our interactions have been in the context of her dating Dani, and it would probably be best if it’s an open conversation involving the three anyway?
Is this something I should bring up if they were to call me again? Maybe with Dani beforehand? Or just forget about it unless Sophie does something to indicate she dislikes me, which doesn’t seem likely so far?
**tl;dr:** I’m FWBs with a bi girl who has a lesbian girlfriend. The girlfriend seems bored or left out sometimes. Should I talk it out with my FWB, with the girlfriend, with both, or not talk about it at all?
4 comments
Whose idea was it to have threesomes in the first place?
Because I don’t think it’s about you. I think Sophie doesn’t like threesomes.
In fact, I’d imagine Sophie doesn’t like sharing her girlfriend at all but she feels like she has to in order to make her happy.
I don’t know much about FWB social dynamics, but if you’d feel comfortable addressing it with Dani, you could. Stick to facts and personal impressions, and ask her for her thoughts, like “Hey Dani, I’ve noticed that when the three of us are in the act, I get the impression that Sophie sometimes feels left out. Does she feel comfortable when we’re doing it?”
Her relationship with Sophie is hers to manage, so she can consider and address your concern however she wants. She may also have inside information that may reassure you.
I think you should either have a general conversation with both of them where you want to check in, that everyone is still having fun and that everyone feels comfortable expressing likes, dislikes, and boundaries. Or I would message Sophie solo expressing the same sentiment, checking in, want to make sure she’s having fun, and letting her know that while you two aren’t actively intimate with each other you do consider her needs as important and that you want to make sure she’s comfortable discussing any boundaries she has. Your relationship with Dani means that she’s probably comfortable with expressing her needs to you and sees you as a safe person even during sex. You just want to make sure that Sophie knows that goes for her too.
As a good general rule, if you think someone isn’t having fun having sex with you, don’t keep having sex with them until you’ve cleared that up. It may very well just be that Sophie’s a bit hard to read during sex but is having a great time, but if you’re not sure, call it off until you are.
“Hey, now that we’ve done this a few times, I just want to have a check-in outside of the bedroom and see if everyone’s still enjoying themselves and if there’s anything we could be doing differently that would make things better for either of you” is a very reasonable way to approach this that isn’t Hey, Sophie, Why Do You Look Unhappy.