Me (38M) and the Mrs (36F) have been married for 10 years and have always had a healthy sex life and we enjoy each other immensely. Sex is semi regular and I always make sure she gets her O by whichever means she desires. She has always stated that should I ever want oral (whether it’s that time of the month or not ) I should just ask but this is what bothers me.. How the heck do you do this without seeming like a total douche.
I’ve been told by her
“If you don’t ask you don’t get.. ”
And my god.. I do want to..
I’d love to take her up on the offer but my mind just buckles under the pressure, anxiety sets in and I don’t want to change her opinion of me.
In short..
She tells me to ask… but I just can’t do it without telling myself “that sounds totally selfish”.
Please help.
47 comments
Man, I had to ask too, that’s the way it is.
Some people just aren’t self starters.
Kinda sounds like she’d like some dirty talk – why not try it and see how she reacts?
If you need exact verbiage, maybe something like “I’d love to have your beautiful lips wrapped around my hard throbbing cock right now”
You may wanna practice saying it a few times so you don’t bust out laughing mid sentence
“Wanna go down on me?” It doesn’t have to be too complicated
My husband says…. Hey, you got a minute to help me out? Or….. can I make an appointment? Or….. texts me 🫦🍆😘
Just ask, I had the same dynamic and all I had to do was ask and she would take care of me. No reason to beat around the bush, you’ve been together long enough you should be comfortable communicating your needs
My wife and I ask each other for sexual things all the time.
Some things are just givens when it comes to sex. But, if she wants ass play or maybe one of her favorite toys, I don’t know when she is in the mood for things like that, so she just simply asks for or suggests them.
Same for if one of us randomly just wants oral or hands/fingers when not in the mood for full on sex.
You don’t have to be clinical like asking her if she minds feeding the dog. But, just ask in a low key appreciative manner.
Hey would you mind giving me one of your awesome blow jobs. It would be great if you were in the mood to go down on me. I’d be up for a nice bj if you are. Etc. Etc.
Don’t overthink it.
I’m a little drunk but here are my submissions:
“Mind changing the brine for my pickle?”
“Can you help me peel a banana?”
“Want to play president and intern?”
“The soldier would like a morale boost”
“Who has two thumbs and a amazing wife? This guy! *point at crotch*”
“Up for reapplying your lipstick?”
“How’s fishing?”
“Could you help me with a oral presentation?”
​
Best thing is probably just to ask, she seems happy to provide.
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Edit: Consider discussing a non-verbal signal with your wife if you want it to happen more “naturally”. Something like a colored armband meaning “I would like a BJ today”.
What does she generally like? Does she have dominant or submissive tendencies? Dirty talk? Etc. Whatever it is that she likes, you can probably approach the request from that angle. That way you don’t feel as much like it’s only enjoyable for you.
My default is…” hey why don’t you be a doll and suck my dick”. lol. Kidding she’d kick my ass.
My husband doesn’t ask at all. He told me once that he would take oral any time I feel like doing it. So basically he gets it frequently but not every time. If I know he’s freshly clean from shower or bath, he gets it!
“I was just fantasizing about your beautiful lips around my cock”
“I would love to feel my cock inside your mouth”
“You give the most amazing blowjobs”
I’m a 60 year old married woman with a super nice guy passive husband and we’ve been married 36 years. I’ve told him I want to be dominated. He just can’t seem to do it. He had some pansy ass way of intimating that he wanted a blow job last weekend (which I love giving). I told him what I wanted to hear. I said I wanted him to tell me to get on your knees and suck my cock. And then I just looked at him and smiled. I’m like put your hands on my shoulders and push me to my knees and say it. He kinda half assed it. Next time he ain’t getting off. I say work with an individual therapist on self confidence. Confident men are sexy as hell. Just ask her … baby I need you to suck my cock!!!!!
So same here except from the wife’s point of view. I loovvve pleasing my man even when I’m on my period. For him it stops nothing but a sentence lmao but I prefer to wait it out most of the time when it comes to actual sex. I’m a bit less confident during that time. more than likely if she’s telling you to ask it’s because she wants you to be satisfied & if you’re pleasing her on the regular and attentive to her in the bedroom she will not find you selfish for asking.. it reaffirms that you want her even when she has her cycle.
Not sure of y’all’s dynamic so you could jokingly say hey babe feel like clearing the pipe for me?
Or go up to her and passionately kiss her & say I’d love to take you up on your offer so here’s
Me asking babe.
Etc..
I promise if she’s telling you to ask then she wants you to ask! Best of luck
In no way does that make you selfish
Edit to add: it doesn’t have to be tactful. If you guys are comfortable with each other you could literally say baby I want your mouth on me now and that would be enough. Word it however works for the dynamic you to have
Mouth hugs! At 53 and 62. We just ask each other flat out.
I feel the same. The only time I find myself asking is if she suggested it earlier in the day. And even then it’s not easy.
Did you ask her why and how? It might be something that actually turns her on. It might be an extra turn on for her, so just talk about it and understand why. Make it a fun conversation, make a joke “what about if I put it here on the table for you? Would you like a napkin with it?
Groom it, and show off your grooming skill. Use something food related.
Write a note and leave it somewhere where she’ll find it , or hand it to her with a snack “do you want this or that?” Don’t be afraid to strike out, use your humorous side. If you’re married for that long you must know her pretty well.
Have fun with her!
If your a bit embarrassed to come out and say it face to face then do what I do and send out a text. You can say whatever you want without the “pressure “… it has worked for us for years.
All I text is “hey hon you up for a BJ tonight?”
Or do you have something else in mind?
This way she can either chose the bj, mention another sexual craving or opt out due to being tired…
“mm I was thinking about you earlier 😉😉. Are you up for going downtown?” Make it a sexy foreplay banter thing.
I agree with you 100%. My wife tells me the same thing and it also is a mind bender just to ask her.
I literally just say “can I have a blowjob?” That’s it. If she is not up to it she says no. Which almost never happens.
I make sure she knows I just got a shower, works most of the time
Try asking for it in blocks of time like hey, I want you to randomly surprise me with it this week. That way you asked but also she needs to take initiative to pick an actual moment. That gives her plenty of time to prepare for it and still keeps it spontaneous but at the same time scheduled.
Develop your Australian accent and then it’s “can ya get ya lipstick around ma dipstick?”
Maybe she’s got a little submissive side to her and the thought of you asking or even demanding she give you head turns her on. Or maybe she has a dominant side and you need to ask permission for head.
Maybe I’m over thinking now, but either way…just ask her. Ya know run your hand down her back, kiss her neck and whisper in her ear “So…about that blow job, is now a good time?”.
Just gently put her hand on your dick.
If you grope her or grind on her then she might think you want sex. If you guide her hand to your penis, she will think you want a hand job or a blow job. And frankly, you’re not in high school so she’ll probably get the hint and jump straight to blow job without you needing to specify.
Prime times are: sitting on the couch watching TV, in bed, in the car (although blow jobs in the car aren’t ideal), in the shower together, etc. Once you’ve set a precedent, you can be more bold and grab her hand while she’s cooking in the kitchen for example and put it on your dick. Just be sure that you only guide her hand once and if she tugs back at all, DROP IT. And once her hand is on your dick, let go. You’ve made your point.
Also, putting your hands down *her* pants can also be a good way to suggest she do the same to you.
My guy has the same deal and mostly he just gets his dick hard and then shows it to me lol you’re overthinking this
Have you explained to her that this makes you nervous? Why not ask her how she’d like to asked? Tell her that you’d love to take her up on it, but you feel self-conscious because it’s unreciprocated and you don’t want to take advantage. She will assure you otherwise, and then hopefully you can come up with a script together. If you know the wording she would like you to use, would you be okay to say it out loud?
Honestly, my partner regularly will initiate by just initially cuddling up to me or hugging me, a few heated kisses and then saying something along the lines of “baby, I want to feel your mouth on me” and that always works on me 😂 so if you’re worried about seeming selfish by just literally asking then just throw in a little bit of affection first then you should have no worries if your partner is already comfortable with you just asking whenever anyway.
Hey babe, how do you feel about sucking my dick tonight? That’s how I say it to my wife. There are three answers: yes, no, maybe. If it’s a maybe ask again in two hrs. Good luck
Ok my guy… men and women communicate differently. When a woman says “ask for it” she means for you to say “hey wife, I want oral, can you give me a BJ?” Like just say it. Directly. Men don’t communicate that direct I don’t think (and I don’t understand tbh) but this is how to say it to your wife.
You’re welcome.
Do the DeGeneration X suck it move!
Bro. If she’s telling you she will willingly do it for you, it’s not douchey to ask!
Sounds like a big time confidence issue my guy.
Idk if these phrases will work for you, but my go to’s are: “I want you to suck my dick/cock.” Also: “put my dick cock in your mouth.”
Im usually a bit more dominant and assertive during sex though.
She’s TELLING you to ask. She WANTS you to ask.
Just start playing d’Angelo how does it feel… I’m totally kidding but my husband kinda just directs me what to do, I prefer that.
It’s important to trust that she will have the option to say no if she’s not into it. Are you safe for her? It seems so. So trust her. She will say no if it’s no.
Honestly, I think it’s just something you may need to get used to. I’ve been with my husband for 12 years and married for 2.5. When I’m on my period, I really don’t like having intercourse. I’m happy to assist my husband with getting off if he wants it though. But simply put, if he doesn’t ask he won’t get it.
Sometimes we even make trades if it makes you feel better. I’ll give him head, he’ll give me a back massage.
My partner will literally just say any variation of suck my dick, lick my balls or I want to feel your lips on the top of my penis! Gets me going every time. Just be clear and want it and it’s hot AF
You could always ask her to give you some examples of how to ask that would be at the very best a turn on and very least not off-putting. That way, you have a range to work with and some guidance of what might work best. Or, if neither of you are comfortable with verbally asking/telling then maybe use something like a particular pillow on the bed to say “hey, I’d like this sometime in the next 24 hrs”(picked this idea up from a spicy book lol).
Hey, honey. How about a little suction action, if you are up for it?
Sweetie, are you down for a little oral exchange?
Not knowing how you usually interact, these might be ok. Just keep it light, and always leave her an out of she’s not up to it at that particular time. I’m sure you’ll work it out.
Also, just explain your quandary to her, and take her suggestions.
She said just ask so just ask
When things start get hot kidding fingering that’s the perfect time to just say
Babe suck my dick please
Easy peasy
Just ask her in a sexy way. Hey babe you want to give my penis a massage with your mouth 😜
Let me give some great insight as a woman in what sounds sexy when a guy asks for head:
“You know what I love? That trick you do with your mouth on my dick. It drives me wild, makes me get hard!”
“Wanna do some 69?”
“My favorite sexual activity with you is oral.”
“You know what I love doing with you? Oral sex.”
Send a meeting invite in Outlook.
Start being selfish. Owning your desires is sexy. Some people here are telling you to say things like “do you want to go down on me?” or “would you mind giving me a blowjob?” I say don’t even say that, say “come here, I want you to suck my cock.” If she’s attracted to you she will like that you want her!
I’m a sexologist and men’s coach and I see issues like this nearly daily. You are not alone. She’s challenging you to take ownership of your desires. This is a great growth edge for you. Reading your post, I’d wager that this shows up in more areas of your life than just getting blowjobs.
This situation, your wife’s open invitation for you to express your desire for oral sex, can be viewed as a metaphor for a much broader call to action in your life. She’s challenging you to assert your own needs, desires, and boundaries more proactively, not only in your shared intimacy but likely in other areas as well.
Again, I see this so often, that I’m willing to bet that there is a pattern here, one where you’ve become so focused on the needs of others, that you’re losing sight of your own wants and needs. This could result in a sense of resentment, a feeling of not being fully seen or appreciated, and a crossing of boundaries that have never been clearly articulated.
The idea of “just asking” for what you want might seem simple on the surface, but it can bring up all sorts of uncomfortable feelings. In your case, you’ve mentioned feeling selfish. But remember, there’s nothing inherently selfish about having desires and expressing them. In fact, doing so is an essential part of cultivating a balanced, fulfilling, and equitable relationship.
So here’s a challenge for you, and it may feel uncomfortable: dare to sound ‘douchey’. Yes, you read that right. Chances are, your definition of ‘douchey’ is likely skewed too far on the side of self-denial. It’s time to recalibrate that. Start expressing what you want, not only in the bedroom but in other areas of your life as well. Stretch yourself. Push the boundaries. Risk sounding ‘douchey’ to your own ears.
Why? Because it’s through this process of pushing past your comfort zone that you’ll discover the true line between assertiveness and selfishness. Your relationship with your wife seems solid and open; trust in this. If you cross a line, she will let you know, and that’s okay. It’s all part of the process. You can always recalibrate and try again.
In essence, this journey is about evolving into a version of masculinity that is comfortable expressing its desires and setting boundaries, while remaining respectful and considerate of others. This is not just about your sexual fulfillment, it’s about stepping fully into your power as a man, and living in a way that is true to your deepest desires. Take your wife’s challenge as an invitation to embark on this transformative journey.
after a few kisses, my husband just says “get on your knees” or “suck me off”, his voice is always low and rasped from the kissing and I’m just like 🧎🏽♀️LOL
does it for me every time.
Turn off all the lights, keep the beam of your flashlight focused in front of you, kick down the door, barge in and yell “clear” if no one is in the room—oh wait you said tactfully not tactically.
Well if she’s in the room I guess inform her there’s an injured soldier that needs CPR in your pants