So we’ve been together for 3 years (we are now in college) and the last year has been great, but after so many discussions related to porn, masturbation Iooked back at all the times something felt wrong and now I just feel paranoid and I want to know some true stuff. I need to get over the fact that I may be naive and living in my own fantasy lovey-dovey world where a relationship is perfect and he only sees me. Firstly, he admitted to the fact that in high school he used to masturbate a lot to girls he knew/friends on instagram that post super provocative photos. I was a bit shocked and then I asked if he had ever done that since we are together and he admitted it, but I kind of had an unconscious feeling about this. He said it doesn’t mean anything and those girls mean nothing to him, he actually considers them easy for posting stuff like that. Ok fast forward to other discussion, he admitted he used to masturbate to escorts in the area because it excited him that they are “real” and close. He stoppd after we talked about it and I said I thought it’s a bit much and risky to be tempted and he agreed and said he planned on stopping anyway because he found his mind wandering and he is a very calculated person. Like he never does something without thinking it through really well. But i dont think he would ever cheat, he’s very transparent and we have the most fucked up discussions and truths and overall a really great relationship. We have great sex, great communication, we have loads of fun together. We’ve discussed porn too, he usually goes in chaturbate couples section because again he likes the fact it’s real. So my question is, do all guys masturbate to insta girls or friends? Does it really not mean anything and I’m the one he wants? Is this normal 21 years old hormonal behaviour? Should I see these as a red flag? I’m so scared to not start resenting him
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Masterbation is perfectly normal.. and someones the mind will wander. You can’t always control that. I think it’s pretty common for people to fantasize about people around them. Sometimes people pop into my head and it’s not even someone I would sleep with irl . As long as it doesn’t turn into action I see ni problem with it.
Let him masturbate to what ever he wants thats not illegal or unethical. The mind loves fantasy and risk and there is a genuine disconnect between fantasy and real situations. Yes he’s 100% normal and ok. You should also masturbate without judgment or interference.
Oh girl, that’s a major red flag, I don’t mean the masturbation but the fact that he uses ig girls photos that he knows?? Also his response that ‘he finds them easy’ is a) mysoginistic b) shows that he has no respect for women c) sounds very calculated also, like he knows what would ease your mind about him doing something wrong, cause would you be able to masturbate to something that you find low key disgusting and offensive?? (as he states that this is what these ‘easy’ girls mean to him)
To IG models or people that I know. No. I would find that very odd. I think my wife would be very disturbed if I did this.
To porn yes.
Everybody has their thing. I don’t think you are going to change him. You have to decide if you can live with his sexual preferences.
Would he be OK with you masturbating over a picture/video of one your male friends, or his male friends? I suspect not.
I’m most concerned about him calling people “easy.” What will it take one day for you to take a wrong step and become one of these “easy” people he obviously disdains? He doesn’t respect women. It’s also creepy to whack it to people you know who don’t consent.
I think y’all need to communicate a little less lol. I don’t think it’s bad to fantasize about other people BUT I wouldn’t even dream of telling my boyfriend about stuff like that and I certainly don’t want to hear about who he’s fantasizing about. Also for me masturbating to friend/escort photos would cross a line but to each their own.
I would be disturbed and feel bad if I found out my wife masturbates while thinking about specific men other than me on the regular. Having said that, it is a good principle to not convict somebody of thought crimes. I think if that happened to me we should be able to talk through it and I think she would be able to convince me this is just a masturbation fantasy and not something she would ever condsider pursuing in real life. The truth of a person is what they do, not what they play with in their mind.
No I never jerk off to the thought of anybody but my wife, but that is because I personally need my sex fantasies to be rooted in reality. So I have also never thought about any models or celebrities or anybody like that. But that’s me. Other people are different and that do not make them inherently more susceptible to infidelity in a relationship.
I think your first step here is to really talk it out with your bf which you seem to be doing. Make him understand that it makes you feel uncomfortable and make him understand that to feel secure you will have to ask him a lot of questions and really try to understand where he comes from and what his mind state is. Only you can then deduce if you can trust him about what he says or not. But don’t let him tell you “every man does it” cos that’s not true.
From a Male perspective. Jerking of to female friends is crossing the line for me.
But i have to admit that it depends on how close i am with these women. If i would just know them from seeing in college for example and saying hello from time to time and they would post these super provocative, camel toe exposing look at my new pants photos, yeah probably.
I love that you guyscan communicate about a lot of stuff but on the other hand, there is stuff that doesn’t need to be talked about. And that are sexual fantasies about others.
When it comes to masturbating to friends, yeah that’s normal. Maybe in a relationship that gets a bit messy, but I’m not monogamous so… Yeah that doesn’t really factor in too much in my experience, so in that regard I may be a bit out of the loop.
But referring to women on Instagram as “easy” and seemingly lesser, at least as best I can tell, that’s just misogynistic bullshit right there.
He referred to women as “easy”. That’s a huge red flag.
so i am huge into fantasy and imagining a hypothetical situation where things become romantic. it seems like girls tend to be more turned on by feelings and emotion, whereas guys find visuals to be pretty important. whenever my bf and i have sex, i like to focus on how much pleasure he’s experiencing/ how turned on he is (that’s what turns me on as well), while he has expressed to me that he enjoys looking at me and what we’re doing together.
that being said, i personally find the idea of masturbating to instagram pics of someone he knows from real life/ friends pretty out there. if my bf did that, i would be extremely not okay with that and disgusted, but if your bf doesn’t do that anymore (and hopefully recognizes that it’s weird), that’s growth. strangers and porn, mostly normal for guys. as long as it doesn’t bother you. i’ve spoken to my bf about this and guys need to masturbate far more often than most girls or else they can become repressed and irritable. it’s a natural urge that they gotta take care of.
one thing that bothered me though is that he called girls that show off their body on insta or social media “easy”, which is just a bad way to view women, who are completely in charge of what they can do with their body and should not be categorized as lesser than because of that. it’s slut shaming and dehumanizing. another commenter said it’s misogynistic, which it totally is, and i think you should look it up if you don’t already know about it so you can pick up on it if you ever need to. (misogyny)
EDIT: when it comes to masturbating to local escorts though, that’s kind of wild, since it’s different from porn because of the added element of them being “real” and even accessible that makes it exciting like he said, but your gut feeling was right that he should not have done that while with you. (personally, i would feel so disrespected.) it’s up to you if you trust him not to engage with that behavior anymore.
I think the weird part is that he told you who he thinks about when masturbating. I think all of us probably do it, but I would never share that with my partner.
I wouldn’t say all guys but I would say most. The main issue is your weirdly exaggerated response about resenting him and having your whole reality shattered etc over finding out that a guy you’re dating has some sketchy porn habits
I just use porn. I have in the past looked at women I knew but I had a huge crush on them. I prefer actual explicit videos and images to get off. I would personally not be okay with my partner jerking off to people they knew, and don’t do it myself
> those girls mean nothing to him, he actually considers them easy for posting stuff like that.
He views them as “easy” (i.e. he thinks they’re sluts, let’s be real) but he also masturbates to them? He has some unhealthy views on women and sex. You could ask him to explain why he thinks that way and where he got that information because he either matures or he will get worse and that will become a real problem for you.
First, all people are different. There’s no universal truth that applies to all men, all women, all enbies, or all people. Some men are only interested in monogamous relationships, other men are nonmonogamous. Some men cheat, others could never.
Second, sexual feelings and romantic feelings aren’t the same nor are they intrinsically linked. For some people they might be linked. Demisexual people can’t get sexually aroused without romantic feelings, for example. But for most people they aren’t. To give some more extreme examples, it is possible to be asexual but still have romantic feelings for people. Conversely it is possible to be aromantic but still feel sexual attraction. I’ve even known someone who was heterosexual but homoromantic, making dating a nightmare.
Which is a very convoluted way to say that having sexual urges for someone does not mean that he’s interested in them romantically.
Third, fantasies are fantasies. I might fantasize about being an astronaut. Doesn’t mean I want to apply for NASA or risk my life strapped to a giant bomb. Just because he fantasizes about having sex with them, doesn’t mean he wants to have sex with them. Fantasies are harmless and normal. Some people have some really extreme sexual fantasies. For example, it is very common to have fantasies about being raped. Doesn’t mean they actually want to be. Fantasies aren’t real.
What does this all mean? It means nothing you’ve mentioned is a warning sign of infidelity. Your boyfriend’s behavior is common and innocent. It also doesn’t mean that you have nothing to worry about. His masturbation habits are effectively neutral, indicating nothing beyond what he likes to masturbate to.
Y’all’s openess to communication is a good thing though. Couple’s who talk things through like this are much more likely to make things work.
I will say that judging those other girls and calling them “easy” in a derogatory manner, while simultaneously masturbating to them, is a sign of misogyny which I’d call out and force him to think about. He needs to do some introspection on that.
The only red flag I see here is that he thinks less of people who post provocative pics, especially after having masturbated to them. Fucking hypocrite.
he’s honest. some of these things are normal, some are not.
At 21 I would masturbate to basically anything short of classical music. It didn’t mean much!
I feel like what he’s doing/has done is pretty normal at that age. I definitely jerked off to girls I knew saw in high school college. You’re young and figuring out your sexuality. They say guys are more visual too so it’s only natural to visualize people you know. However, I grew up in a time before porn was readily available, so that may make it different.
At the end of the day, you have decide what works for you, and what you expect from a partner. They can decide the same, and it’s possible you’re not compatible. I do think it’s troublesome though that he’s calling those girls easy. He doesn’t know them. Hell, I’d bet some of them are virgins or have had less partners than some girls that don’t talk about it on social media. He’s just embarrassed about his own behavior and is trying to deflect it on the girls.
You could have stopped your question at “do all guys masturbate?”. YES. Emphatically yes.
What we masturbate to is of little consequence. It’s fantasy, straight up. Men will masturbate to the fantasy of something they would not do in real life. It’s a natural outlet and minds wander.
I’m really concerned about him calling women who post pictures online “easy”. Like imagine how he views women who actually use their body for their own pleasure and don’t just post it for his eyes. This dude is an asshole. He’s young so maybe he won’t be asshole forever but I would get the hell out.
I found out my husband of 8 years did this but also found them in a revenge porn section and I divorced him. I don’t feel good about people that need to have some personal connection to what they masturbate to especially when they have a partner
Well if the „real“ feeling gets him off what’s he gonna do? There’s a reason why there is „amateur“ porn, which nowadays is mostly professional so the new „amateur“ is „homemade“.
While I completely understand wanting men’s opinions in here (as in, why do men masturbate and is it normal) so I totally get that. However, I do think you could really benefit from some women’s perspectives on healthy sexuality and self-esteem. Most women have gone through some sort of disillusion regarding sex and romance and whatnot and while we felt a little shocked and disgusted at first, it can actually be a little refreshing not to have these archaic and outdated concepts about sex. It can be liberating. It depends on everyone’s feelings and views of course and there isn’t one way to view sex. People view it differently and that’s really okay.
For example, nothing is wrong with masturbation. Exploring your own body and finding out what you like and are attracted to is completely normal. However, masturbation is never talked about to young girls and we barely know our own bodies (we view it as dirty, sinful, or “slutty”). When men masturbate in relationships with us, we can feel like it’s somehow a reflection of how we are failing to take care of their needs or that they are losing attraction to us. It really isn’t like this: in fact, I think it should be normalized to masturbate in relationships to retain your own bodily autonomy and not have pressure on your partner to fulfill your every desire. That truly is okay.
The issue I have with your boyfriend is masturbating to people he knows in real life. That is weird and unusual, and in a way a violation of consent. That’s odd. Masturbating to IG girls is fine (as a lot of them/me for example) post stuff designed to excite or arouse, but to say that they are “easy” is weird. It implies he views women in different classes and that some are worthy of respect and some are not. This is not an issue unique to him of course, but I get a bit squicked out when brushing off something by demeaning the people who do it. It’s not the compliment to you you think it is. Masturbating to escorts in the area, do you mean he is masturbating to local prostitutes? How does he even know where to find them? Are you absolutely certain he has never actually visited one? Following local women around and masturbating to them is also odd behavior. It sort of leads me to think, does he have a fetish for voyeurism? The idea of someone close and tangible but unaware he is jerking off to them excites him? He might need to think about that. In addition to Chaturbate, this is sort of what it sounds like to me.
I think there needs to be some negotiation on both sides here. First of all, yes I do agree with you that you need a more realistic and less idealistic view of sex. You are very young and it sounds like inexperienced which is totally okay! I just don’t want you to feel like masturbation or kinkiness or sex for sex’s sake is disgusting or inherently BAD. However, your boyfriend needs to address if he has a problem with risky addiction and if he can be satisfied with just restricting it to porn. While you can be more wordly, you don’t have to give up all principles and values regarding sex just to be with him. There might be some incompatibility here. It’s not your job to change him if he doesn’t want to change and you don’t have to put up with habits you find disturbing or offensive. Not saying breakup, but I agree on what is healthy communication and what is over-communication which might just end up making you paranoid. ♥️
Tldr: Either way, he might have a problem that isn’t masturbation but what he masturbates to.
Anyone who claims they haven’t masturbated while fantasizing about someone they know is a liar
So he told you he masturbates to photos women post online but not to worry because he thinks they are sluts for doing so? Cool. Cool cool cool
It sounds like he’s gotten into some habits around masturbation and has only recently started examining them to see how they line up with his morals and the morals of those he cares about. Overall this process is a good thing, as hopefully it will make him more conscientious. The fact that he stopped at least some of his habits after you talked to him is a good sign.
But I do see a few warning signs. First, masturbating to people he knows – especially while in a relationship with someone else – is a bit of a red flag. Most partners would have a problem with that, and you’re not out of line for wanting him to stop.
The most concerning, I think, is his comment that you shouldn’t be worried because “those girls mean nothing to him, he actually considers them easy for posting stuff like that.” That sounds a lot like the Madonna-Whore Complex, where he has trouble having romantic feelings for women he thinks of sexually, and has trouble thinking sexually about women he thinks of romantically. It’s also just a generally harmful way to think of women.
If I found out my guy friends were masturbating to pictures of me I’d be extremely uncomfortable. I know you said they post provocative photos but tbh I wouldn’t expect my own friends to do stuff like that, maybe randoms on the internet but not my own friends. Even though he hasn’t done that since school maybe, I think it’s odd of something he would do while you guys were together.
Same if I found out my boyfriend was doing that to his female friends. I used to have a pretty big issue with porn that I’m learning to overcome, but I absolutely draw the line at it being people we know irl.
Also the “easy” thing is weird. I knew so many girls in school who posted bikini pictures and stuff, they were so beautiful but they absolutely were NOT easy. Or whores or anything like that, they were really popular and funny and sweet. They never had a lot of boyfriends and actually most of them were atleast somewhat religious so they didn’t really do anything sexual.
How would he feel if you were to masturbate to pictures of your guy friends? Or also if you were to post provocative pictures online? Maybe not even super sexy, maybe just a bikini picture where you look really pretty but your “assets” are still out. I just wonder if there’s a double standard tbh.
You’re asking if these things are normal but there is no normal. “Normal” is what you’re comfortable with . If him masturbating to other girls instagrams crosses a boundary for you, that’s totally ok. Other girls might not feel that way. Other girls might not even be ok with porn. It’s totally up to you, that’s what’s great about it.
There’s nothing wrong with being naive and believing in a perfect relationship. I was that way until my ex happened and I wish I could go back. I think you love in a much different and purer way and there’s nothing wrong with that at all.
I’m sorry but he’s a weirdo and gross. This shouldn’t be normal lol
I’m a female and I go to my boyfriends instagram and masterbate to some of his photos. 😂
I’ve not used Chaterbate, does that mean he’s chatting with someone while he masterbates?
I think some of the comments you’re getting here are based on our current accessibility to porn. People see masturbating to porn as okay, but not to real life people, including instagram girls and friends. Before the internet porn, rubbing one out to a memory of the girl at the store who said hello or more basic stimulus was all we had.
Absolutely nothing wrong with your partner. Let him know if you’re uncomfortable with his language. You’re both still growing.
I’ve masturbated a single time to someone i knew like that – they had an onlyfans account. I’ve never even heard of masturbating to instagram pictures personally. But I’ve masturbated to tons of porn. Chaturbate is a weird area, i personally wouldn’t go on there but others might?
For me it’s a boundary if there is an interaction with the person or people they are masturbating to. A pure video of someone i don’t care, but if they’re taking to that person or interacting with them, that’s a big nope from me personally
> So my question is, do all guys masturbate to insta girls or friends?
I have psychological blocks around masturbating to friends that I can’t flirt with in person. But yeah I’ve done it. Do all guys do it? I’m not sure.
> Does it really not mean anything and I’m the one he wants?
> Should I see these as a red flag?
2 main things to consider: How does he treat you? Will he step out?
How does he treat you? Does he prioritize your pleasure in the bedroom? Does he pressure you? Does he make you feel used? Or cared for? Does he provide aftercare?
Because if he’s treating you well, then he definitely cares about you.
As for stepping out, your boundaries/deal breakers regarding this are your own. Is it possible that he jerks off to his friends, and escorts and chaturbate couples only because it’s more thrilling? Yeah. Is it possible that he has the self control to never cheat on you? Yeah. Is it possible that he’d happily fuck more women if you gave him the pass? Yeah.
For what it’s worth, I think for some people, monogamy is a decision they make not to act on their attraction to other people. It doesn’t erase their attraction to other people. He clearly is still attracted to other women, but in his case monogamy means that he won’t sleep with them.
You have to talk with him and figure out how much does he need to be happy. Can he be happy with only masturbating to them? Or does he eventually want to try 3somes? How much does he need to be satisfied.
> I’m so scared to not start resenting him
Now here’s where it all ties together. You’re allowed to leave if this is too much for you. I don’t think he’s done anything wrong. He’s been honest and he seems to be caring and loving etc. But he will always be at least a little attracted to other women. So now you need to figure out what **you** need to be satisfied.
He might need to be able to jack off to couples on chaturbate to be satisfied. Are you satisfied with that as long as he treats you well, and puts your relationship and satisfaction in the bedroom first? Or does your satisfaction rely on him not indulging in that attraction to others?
Are you able to trust him? Is he willing to build trust? Has he done enough so far?
There are no wrong answers here. Just you figuring out if you’re compatible or not with him. If not, then you two will be happier with other people. If you both are able to make compromises for each other and be happy, then you both can stay together.
3 months ago
1 month ago
11 days ago
and today?
All similar “my boyf does x I am not comfortable with” do you think it is time to listen to that little voice inside you, I know internet strangers often have some great answers but sometimes you know yourself best.
If you’re not ok with him doing that with live people I definitely consider that cheating. Your bf is trying to manipulate you into thinking it’s ok. I’d dump him.
I would definitely say that people in general start to grow complacent and eyes begin to wander around the 2 year mark in a relationship especially around your age.
I would think that if he’s admitting this to you there’s 1 of two things going on, he’s either trusting you with some very deeply personal thoughts and feelings or you’ve accidentally uncovered something he didn’t want you to.
It’s not normal to jerk off to instagram friends and look at escort pages. I would watch him pretty suspiciously if I’m being honest.
The only red flag to me was that he considers the women he masturbates to “easy” and seemingly in a negative way.