For the past 2.5 years I’ve (M23) been friends with a \[F25\]. We initially met on a language exchange app and have been in contact almost everyday since. We act silly and share practically everything with EO. \[F25\] is a nice, shy (and rather emotionally venerable) girl from a small town in western India. \[F25\]’s parents have an unhealthy (arranged) marriage and she and her two sisters grew up in the middle of their verbal arguments, so she never got the love she deserved from them. Neither of us have much dating experience. I’ve been with her through 2 toxic relationships and have always begged her to stop looking for relationships, since she’s seeks that validation she never received as a child, through men. There have been so many times I’ve been tired of answering her calls because more than half the time it involves relationship or depression issues and it burned me tf out. After recovering from the second relationship I convinced her to leave her town and move to the city to grow as a person. Its been a few months but she’s finally starting to take up hobbies, gain weight, control her depression, etc.
This next part is kind of embarrassing.
A few weeks ago I was on the phone with her and abruptly got this strong, almost primal, urge to jerk off to the thought of her. I can’t make this up. I remember when I finished I felt so disgusted and ashamed of myself. I thought I could brush it off, but In the coming (no pun Intended lmao) weeks I found myself excited to talk to her, yet reserved and acting a little off. we started talking a little less. I thought it was just limited to lust but I found myself getting jealous when she mentioned new guys.
last week I ignored her calls for a week in hopes of getting over her. She kept blowing up my phone to where she contacted my close friend \[M47\] asking why I wasn’t talking to her. \[M47\] basically told her how I felt, but she refused to believe it. I later called her and confessed my feelings to which she was shocked considering we never saw it coming.
I told her I liked her, but was still confused about how I felt since I know its not right for us. She happily told me that we’d been friends far too long to let this crush get in the way. It’s only natural for something like this to happen when we’ve been so close for the past 3 years, she said. We both shrugged it off and moved past it.
This week I have had stronger feelings so I’ve been a little distant. \[F25\] tried reaching me throughout the week but I never answered. Finally, I answered her call today and it was somewhat normal until I mentioned visiting her soon since I thought meeting in person would confirm my feelings (BTW, I would pay half the price of the airfare since I have flying pts. I need to use). She noticed I wasn’t being myself still.
We talked everything out and basically, she just wants us to be friends since she fears losing me if we started something. She said she’s too emotionally damaged and vunreable from her past relationships so she’d become a burden to me. She wants me to enjoy my life with someone else and not end up hurt because of her. She said her family will start searching a husband for her soon, but even when she’s married she wants me to be in her life bc she’s too emotionally invested in our friendship; I’ve been the only constant in her life. Although her mom likes me (FYI we’re both Indian), she thinks we’re just too far apart and that **I am uncertain of my feelings** so it’s best we stay friends. She wants me to go meet other women – I graduate college in 5 months, am looking for a new online job, and have permanent residentship in India & US btw. And if I do visit India, she doesn’t want to be a “test girl” I use to see if I like her or not. She said she wants to be free to act herself and that I should have something to do other than just see her.
I’m kind of getting over \[F25\] now, but the issue was that I wasn’t sure if I really love \[F25\] or not. She mentioned that she’s trying to heal mentally so she’s even (supposedly) avoiding a relationship with a new dude she met recently. She questioned what if she reciprocates the feelings and then a few months later I get tired of her and leave. It will be easy for me to recover but not for her, she said. She ended the call by saying we’d never speak of it again and go back to our old goofy selves.
She didn’t talk to me for a few days because she said she’s giving me the space to get over her. I’m not sure if I should book the trip to India even though I have other friends I could meet there.
Update: The weekend passed and we started talking again. She called me about a problem, I helped her but cut the call short. She tried calling me a lot but I’ve been trying to play it cool by being distant and looking like I have some shit going on. She’s messaging me less now as well :/
Ik she may not be as attractive compared to other women I’ve been interested in but I’m starting to accept that I feel my feelings are getting stronger.
TL;DR: I \[M23\] developed strong sexual and romantic feelings for best friend \[F25\], but I feel conflicted about it. I tried to distance myself but eventually confessed my feelings to her. She wants to remain friends due to her emotional baggage and fears of being a burden. I’m torn between my feelings and moving on. It’s eating me on the inside.