TLDR at bottom, because I wrote a dang essay.
Her (22) and I (24) are KINDA coworkers? I don’t romantically love her. Didn’t get that far. But I do love her as a person, and really care about her. Got to know her enough over a month or so, to like her a lot. So I set up a date with her, had a few dates, and hung out multiple times, and constantly talked over the course of a few more weeks.
We clicked in almost every aspect, never had sex, but very well would’ve, according to her, if I didn’t have to love somebody before that happens. But kissed many times (got very spicy with it too), said we both really liked each other, and were around each other constantly. So it wouldn’t have been long before something serious.
Anyways, she had told me she didn’t have too many people in her life to rely on, bad relationships, isn’t a great person, etc etc, which are sometimes red flags, didn’t turn me off though. Everything else she offered was amazing. Once things were getting closer to exclusivity, she looked me dead in the face, told me she really likes me, is a dumbass, who was dishonest with herself, and shouldn’t have tried it out with me from the start, and that she’s not capable of anything now. I could tell she wasn’t on some bs, and genuinely meant it, especially based on what I was already told. So… Can’t really be mad. Respect honestly.
But just because it didn’t go my way, doesn’t mean I don’t care for her as a person, and suddenly hate her. I adore her. Told her that, and that I’m still there for her, cuz clearly she needs it. I don’t have any expectations. I’m happy as her friend, or something else down the road. But if she were to regret it and ask for me to come back tomorrow, I’d say no, because nothing has actually changed. Any time we do talk now, it goes on for hours, is great, and then she detaches, and disappears for multiple days, like it’s bothering her that she’s talking to me. Which is exactly what she did, before telling me what she wanted to say. Had a great night together, and then heard nothing for two days, and then she told me. Now, when I have to see her for work stuff, I also catch her staring at me, and screws with me even more than before
I WAS fine, until the other day her coworker told me that she’s brought me up a few times, talking about how much she likes me, how she feels bad, and thinks she fucked up. Meaning she’s not okay with her own decision 🙃 and now I have no damn clue how to approach this. Usually, when people are on that bs, they’re being nice, and bs’ing you. So I say okay, and ✌️. She’s on that honest bs though 😂 I still value her, want to be her friend, but this is all confusing asf for me. Based on what I’ve been told, and seen myself, I don’t really know how I’m supposed to approach maintaining a friendship with somebody, when I’m romantically interested, and interested as a friend, but am unwilling to have a relationship until she fixed the issues she has, that I was denied me for in the first place. And that somebody denied me, but is telling people she’s romantically interested in me, but won’t commit because of her problems 🥲 not sure if she’s just broken and scared, or what 🤷♂️ I’m assuming she’s the avoidant type though
I will say, I’m entirely unwilling to ditch her, as she’s a great person, who I want in my life either way. I know I shouldn’t try to make her give me a shot, because that’s a recipe for disaster. So my real option is stay her friend, and see wth happens. But that’s new thing for me. And I am SO lost on how to go about this, considering we both have at least some feelings for each other. Very strange and confusing for me 😂
TLDR; met a girl, adore her, but it didn’t work out because of things she’s going through. She tells people she still likes me, and she feels bad, but can’t commit right now. I’m staying her friend because I love her as a person, and want her around either way. Not sure how to navigate a friendship with somebody who seems like they’re still interested.
2 comments
Idk for sure but she sounds like she might have BPD to me.. does she go to therapy?
The fact that she backed out of the situation when it started to look more like a relationship thing, but is regretting it now that she doesn’t have you anymore is kind of a red flag to me. It seems like she wants the best of both worlds: being intimate with you without having to commit to a relationship. Or she DOES want a relationsip with you, but self sabotages herself when it comes too close to that, which is also a red flag. Or she doesn’t know what she wants and in that case I wouldn’t start a relationship/continue romantically with her since the uncertainty of everything would be harmful.