Married 3 years. I am F 40. M57. Neither of us were smokers when we met and married. He had not smoked for 18 years prior to us meeting. I had not smoked much at all my whole life. We decide to give up all social media for 1 month just to take a break. About 1 week into that he begins smoking casually and after 3 weeks has turned into a pack a day. Albeit he does not smoke in our house. I am absolutely disgusted by smoking cigarettes. My mother died 3 months ago from smoking. My Dad died 14 years ago from smoking. And my step father died 1 year ago from it. I have a real gripe about smoking and husband has always known this. He keeps saying this is temporary and he will quit. Meanwhile I am distancing myself more and more physically and emotionally because of the smell. And I have expressed my dislike almost to the point of hounding. And so have my children. He now reeks all the time. I didn’t sign up for this. I did not marry a smoker. Nor would I have. Advice? I love my husband dearly and no prior major issues in our marriage to this. Advice please.
19 comments
I see your predicament. Start making his promise **smart**.
Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-Bound
Be blunt, tell him what his smoking will kill the relationship.
Did he give up social media because he wanted to or because you wanted him to?
Decide which is more important to you -being married to this man or not being married to a smoker. If you decide its not being married to a smoker but want to give your husband the chance to quit then come up with a time limit. Then tell your husband. If you decide its being married to your husband then therapy. He could never stop and it would be unhealthy for you to direct your negative feelings about smoking onto your husband if you decide you want to stay with him. You would poison the relationship you chose. Now you could always change your mind and decide your initial decision is wrong. You want to make the best decusion for you and support it with actions that maintain the health of the desired outcome. Staying with someone then being alwayd angry with them is unhealthy. Leaving someone but never accepting it ended is unhealthy. Deciding to leave if someone doesnt change but never leaving when they dont would also be unhealthy. It sucks to be in such a position. There is heartbreak involved anyway you look at it.
Constantly tell him his breath stinks of dogshit. Gag and wretch when he comes close. Tell him his fingers stink. Tell him his clothes smell like shit. Tell him he’s putrid, vile, disgusting, dirty, pathetic and weak, and he makes you want to vomit.
Bombard him with these messages and he should get the hint.
OP i hope you have been able to discern from these responses that this is perhaps the worst possible avenue for looking for marriage advice.
Maybe go back to social media?! Seriously tho, social media is bad, but it’ll kill you much slower than cigarettes.
Tell him to switch to a vape. Juul is better than smoking, you still get a throat hit and there is no smell.
I like the comment about the addictive personality and smoking replaced social media. I dunno if it’s that, but with his prior addictions I can see smoking as being his transition. Smoking maybe the safest of his addictions aside from social media. Wow. I cannot even remotely begin to understand to wide range of the emotional rollercoaster your life has been. That’s not a bad thing, your life certainly does not sound like it has her been boring or without evidence of passionate extremes.
r/age gap. They hit their late 50’s and these things happen. Because he has quit other things, your going to get a bunch of resume as to why he and you should be ok with this. If you aren’t try not to focus on it too much bc it will be seen as nagging despite the obvious deaths in your family!
How long have you been married?
I never smoked in my life until recently at 37. Although I don’t smoke every day If I do y will try to shower and wash teeth right after.
Does he workout? Usually that helps with the temptation of smoking that often.
My husband went to an alcohol treatment facility, so, yes, alcoholic. And started smoking again after not having smoked for years. I also used to smoke and quit. He also started smoking weed like it’s his job. We are now separated. For more reasons than just the smoking. But kissing him or even being close and smelling his breath made me want to vomit. I couldn’t go on.
Nicotine gum produces the same effect and it isn’t a cigarette. Compromise is the key to a solid marriage.
Now I can’t really say anything here because I smoke weed…cigarettes I dislike a lot but I guess the reason why he started smoking is because he is no longer trying or using other stuff…. for example when I started to consume less and less weed I slowly started to drink more and more and now I’m trying to consume less and less alcohol and weed but now I’m starting to play more videogames lol I’m now 35 years old and I now play more than I was a teenager lol but what I’m trying to say is try and find him something else he can enjoy and he will slowly let go of the other stuff it can be from finding a hobby to walks in the park or woods or have him go golfing
Divorce him if he refuses to stop !
Life is too precious to be tempting the grim reaper !
This is totally normal! I was in the same boat. My husband quit dipping (smokeless tobacco) then picked up smoking like black n milds and such then picked up vaping then went back to smoking. I flippedddd! Told him the same thing, I didn’t sign up for this.. I didn’t marry a smoker.. he wasn’t allowed to sit on my couches wasn’t allowed to wear his clothes inside. I told him smoking was a deal breaker for me. And he quit. Hasn’t done it again. His friends offered him a cigar on Father’s Day and he asked for my permission (In front of his friends) before he did it. To me, if he gives a shit about you and y’all’s marriage he will do the right thing. Best of luck!
I just went thru this with my partner. Not exactly. But it’s about more than the smoking. This is about disrespecting your most basic needs and wants without giving a shit about YOU. He wants to have an addiction and idc how new it is but he is Currently choosing it over You. And you and your needs matter more than what your partner wants you to give up, so that they can still have THEIR Needs and wants met. Respectfully. Fuck him. You didn’t sign up to live with a damn smoker. You didn’t sign up to be reminded daily of the method that each of your immediate family has passed away from. This is a decision he makes every time he buys and smokes a pack. Each cigarette is shitting on your Physical/mental/emotional/financial needs. Trust me I’ve tried. I was polite for months. I was mean for months. I was appeasing for months. I was avoidant for months. I even considered completely giving up and picking up the nasty habit myself. But ultimately I made us separate bc what I did sign up for was a transaction of respect and happiness. Not whatever Bull crap came after smoking got involved.
Good luck. If he really loves and respects you and himself he will go to either marriage counseling, addiction support, or be forced to deal with how you change the terms of the relationship you have with him bc you need to protect your own needs
He’s 57. Let him burn a square. Geez.
Ye this is half the problem these days people expecting others to live life on their terms
He could be doing so much worse
Don’t nag him into quitting or give ultimatums he will only do it behind your back
Have a productive conversation and try an get to the heart of it without judgement
Help him with suggestions
Go talk to the dr
Contact the quit line
Ultimately he has to be ready to quit an if he’s not then you decide if you’re willing to stay
1 quit 1 year ago after 40 years because I was ready
Good luck
I’m so sorry about this. I understand whole heartedly about your dislike of smoking. I HATE it. It would be a deal-breaker for me, too. Good luck.