So basically after a year of dating I found out by accident that my boyfriend has pictures of his ex on his social media. I asked who she was but he lied and said it was his friend from a while back. After an argument he admitted the truth and deleted the pictures. He might’ve actually forgotten and that’s fine I suppose but he didn’t have to lie about it imo.
And the main reason for this post is that he refuses to post a picture of us on social media because of privacy reasons. Before I had no issues with it. I myself don’t post that often anyway and if he chooses to keep his personal life private, then so be it.
But then I discovered he had so many pictures of his ex that he dated for only several months and it just doesn’t sit right with me.
I brought it up with him but he just got defensive and said he was friends with her first that’s why he had pictures of her. But he doesn’t have any pictures of his other female friends that he is supposedly closer to posted, so that doesn’t even make sense. He even started asking me why I am bringing up the past for no reason.
To make it even worse at some point he randomly out of nowhere said that he regrets dating her because if he didn’t now he would have her as a friend. I am really confused if he really meant it in the way it came off as or was he trying to say something different and it just came out weird since English is not his native language and he has a hard time putting thoughts into words when he is upset.
I feel really confused at this point. I at no point want to tell him what to do and be controlling. But I don’t think I can just pretend I don’t feel hurt. I really don’t want to break up with him, otherwise, he’s a very sweet and nice person. But I don’t know how I can get past this. Thoughts?
TLDR; boyfriend had pictures of his ex and doesn’t want any of us on social media because of privacy. They were friends before, wished he didn’t date her and kept her as a friend
5 comments
How long ago did he make these posts with his ex? These days, I keep most of my personal business off social media, but I was much more active in the past. With that said, I have not gone back in time and scrubbed old content.
To give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he did forget about these pics but lying about it, getting defensive and refusing to post One pic with you is quite suspicious. I advise to talk to him calmly, dont turn it into an argument, tell him that really hurts you and if he could imagine he it were the other way round, wouldnt he feel unconfortable.
His comment about the ex I think he mainly misses her and her friendship that was apparently ruined after the break up. But she was still is definitely not just a close friend.
It’s entirely possible that the way he wants to use his social media has changed given that it’s been a year or two since those pictures were posted. Especially given that he apparently has some regrets about how that relationship crashed and burned, it seems pretty normal that one of the lessons he might have taken away from that is “more privacy on social media, less posting of partners.”
I think the question is, do you otherwise feel like a part of his life? If keeping you off social media is one part of a pattern where you generally feel hidden, that’s a problem and the bigger issue should be addressed. But if you otherwise know his friends, his family and coworkers know you exist, he’s fine with you posting about him on your own social media, etc., then I wouldn’t lose any sleep over this in your shoes.
I also can’t see much of an issue with saying he wishes he hadn’t dated his ex – he dated a friend, and in losing her he lost the friendship as well as the relationship. It would be surprising if he didn’t regret the lost friendship.
All of that said, what I *would* have a problem with in your position is the lying. It’s fine to want to keep some things private, but he could have handled that by telling you it’s something he’d rather not talk about, versus actively lying to you. I *would* be pretty worried about a pattern of lies if I were you, and that’s what I’d be watching out for.
Your boyfriend actually lied to you twice. He was not adverse to posting pictures on social media in general, just pictures of you. Then when you found pictures of him and his ex, he lied again about their relationship.
It may be that after the last romance crashed and burned, he just did not want to create a public record of his failed relationships. He might not phrase it in exactly those terms, but those feelings would be the driving force behind the decision to not post on social media. This would show some communication problems and possible lack of self awareness, but would not necessarily be red flags.
However, I think that it is more likely that he is still pining for the ex. He is unwilling to make your relationship more real by posting on-line (where the ex might see it). He says that he still wants to stay in close contact with her as a friend. He gets defensive when you ask questions (although this just may be a reaction to the process of being questioned, which is another issue).
I don’t think that this is a situation where you necessarily need to end things, but it does show some disconnects in your relationship. Your post implies that you and he have different native languages, which probably means different cultural expectations and norms. If this is the case, it might be a good use of your time to try to get a better understanding of his culture.
You’re not entitled to being posted on his social media just because he posted his ex.