I’ve found myself in situations where I need to be dominant, firm, and persistent while at the same time not being too emotional, invested, and dramatic.
Some examples would include addressing bills, where you know you’re correct but you’re being talked down upon in a condescending manner and facing an uphill battle of dismissiveness.
Maybe at work where you’re correct on your skills and knowledge but your team/manager has put a label on you for whatever reason and you’re constantly trampled over.
Maybe your car part is under warranty but the shop or retailer refuses to even look at the product and ducking your calls or attempts to get assistance.
Perhaps there’s a misunderstanding that you know you can resolve in good faith but you’re not given the opportunity and instead continuously badgered over it and it becomes a long drawn out back and forth situation.
Now I have a family. Yes these problems may be small but I’m seeing how they can easily cause havoc when you have other people to be responsible for and they add up. I am forced to stand up for certain things but again can’t be emotional about it and know when to give up. I have to be strong for them but not too off the charts where I’m giving the other side more ammunition against me or coming off like a smug 15 year old.
Has anyone figured out the balance or have advice? How can I be firm with my stance and demeanor, the way a 30+ man would
5 comments
I’ve found that approaching things from multiple perspectives can help, and often exhaust the other party simply through polite inquiry.
Like for the work example:
– Ask specifically what you can be doing better
– Request a performance review with relevant metrics
– If your manager is saying you’re doing something wrong, ask what it is. Ask for specifics. Document it. Email a summary of your conversation to them.
– Skip-level – talk to your boss’s boss if you deem it necessary
– Call a 1:1 with your boss, have a prepared list of items that you believe will be mutually beneficial. Essentially: have a heart to heart.
Think about every possible way you can approach the problem, and try lots of different methods over time. Straight up confrontation usually causes the other party to tune out and disregard you.
And you also need to realize which battles are worth fighting, and which you need to let go. But that’s a whole other story.
Do you need to be dominant or do you just need a positive outcome?
There are negotiation books and seminars you can attend. They might be helpful.
Be 6’5″+
I’m guessing you have a bit of unresolved emotion about feeling confident/accepted etc. Pretty normal for our generation.
In my expefience, build your own self confidence through physical stuff (working out, martial arts, hard labour etc, practical skills etc) and emotional work (therapy, getting in touch with childhood stuff). Do those things and calmness and confidence in the disagreements of life comes naturally.
The situations you describe aren’t huge deals, mostly. That’s ideally, what you should feel in them.
Most of those situations wouldn’t be helped by trying to be ‘dominant’. They would be helped by calmly stating your case, though.
– Express factual inaccuracies with evidentiary display, actually show the way that people are incorrect. When shown, if they dismiss clear evidence, let the issue wash off you like water off a ducks back. If people refuse to acknowledge clear evidence then stop arguing.
– Ask for specific evidence of error, know your responses, not excuses, if an error occurred explain why the error occured before the apology, not after, apologising then explaining even if the explanation is accurate sounds like justification not acknowledgment.
– use first names whilst talking with a direct manager, do not be flippant or insolent about it, but use the first name.
– If resolving things or trying to via email, place a quick statement at the top. (I’ve been trying to reach you regarding …………….. I’ve attached the previous conversations for reference.). Then a paragraph outlaying the problem again, then a paragraph or sentence on the outcome sought.