The thought of this has been plaguing me for over a week. That there is so much weight placed on if we have a significant other in our life or not. And that if we don’t, it is a complete reflection of some kind undesirable flaw we’ve been displaying. A scarlet “S”, if you will. And I’ve also noticed that it gleams particularly brighter for women, who are older and find themselves still single. Gentlemen, I do not mean to downplay your own experiences here, I’m simply making an observation based off of my own experiences.
I (33f) am sitting here on a beach in Cancun, on vacation with my extended family, unable to enjoy myself to completion because I find myself lost in thought about how it’s be nice if I had a romantic partner in my life. And what it is exactly that I’ve done wrong in order to still feel so lonely at this age. Yeah, you read that right. I’m sitting on a beautiful fucking beach, in an all inclusive resort wondering why I don’t have a boyfriend?! Why?
Not only that, when I return home, I’ll have a federal job that earns me a very modest living, one that affords me my lifestyle. A new apartment that I just signed the lease for, in a cool part of town. A supportive immediate family and a small, but close handful of friends. Humble brag: I have a lot of fortunes in my life. But because I don’t have a romantic relationship, all of that is considered null? That because I didn’t follow the “formula” I am considered almost as an unwoman? When a quarter of the battle of finding your person is luck and good timing. Two things you don’t necessarily have control over. And even after that, it still takes WORK. And the desire from both parties to want to make it work. What happens when one discovers that “Happily Ever After” (meaning LTRs or marriage) isn’t the finish line, but the starting?
I see maaany posts about this from either side. And maaany arguments on the politics of dating and relationships. Have us millennials made romantic companionship a coveted club that all of us are gripping at the throat to become members of?
Can someone maybe shed some light on these feelings and/or share their personal experiences?
And for the love of Christ, can we refrain from the “fertility window” and “ticking biological clock” argument. It’s older than sand at this point.
Edit: for the record, I am not advocating that being single and enjoying your own company is the ultimate way and is what we SHOULD be doing. Who the hell even knows what they’re doing in life, anyway. I am absolutely searching for romantic love and companionship, as well. I’m out there looking for my person too! But simply trying to gain outside perspective on WHY it has become the pinnacle of defining a persons worth in this world when there are other characteristics about an individual that may define them, as well.
32 comments
As a male, hormones play a huge role. So much of my identity was boyfriend/husband that my divorce and failed relationships after destroyed me. Now that I’m 41, I don’t mind being single, but the social pressure is still crazy. People look at me like I’m stupid for being single but not on OLD.
Popular culture feeds into the obsession with romance. From love songs to romcoms, a lot of what we consume revolves around romance. Most of this stuff doesn’t paint a realistic look at relationships and glorifies them.
I’ve been wondering the same thing myself OP! Sure, it would be nice to have a romantic partner but my life is so full and I’m incredible fortunate to have wealth, health, an abundance of love from friends and family.
To the point where I can’t hang out with my girlfriends anymore who’re only fixated on finding a guy.
It’s really hard to chart your own path that is unconventional by societal standards. And even when you’re doing well, someone will make you feel inadequate over something you cannot control. But even the fact that we’re talking about it is progress.
If it’s any consolation, my friends over 40 tell me that beyond 40 it’s almost liberating because as if a button just goes off and you DGAF anymore
Because nothing else in life can replace what a romantic relationship brings. It’s literally your closest person on earth, someone you feel you became one new whole entity with.
It’s because the apps are just so favored for women especially at specific ages, if there was a youtube course on how to find a successful husband on tinder or bumble and women took it they would pretty much all succeed within reason. I think men internalize this and project this on women now.
Because being in love is amazing, being loved feels incredible, having a cuddle buddy is awesome, kissing is fun, sharing experiences and building memories with a life partner is cool, and sex with someone you love is great too.
Nothing compares to romantic love. I’ve travelled the world, done “extreme sports”, climbed mountains, done all sorts of drugs, written books, gotten in incredible shape, fought people in the ring… Nothing compares in my opinion. I know not everyone feels the same about romantic love, and I support our cultural attempts to deconstruct it, but it’s just unmatched.
It’s equally hard for all genders. The world is oriented around 2x2s for adults, 2x3s, 4s, whatever for families.
When I’m single, which is all the time, I too feel like an un-person. And I have achieved about the best career success in my field that I can, and likely have a hell of a lot more money than the OP.
But there are things that money can’t buy. Love is one of them.
I’m a hopeless romantic, and do think that life is better with a partner. I know on Reddit how popular it is to be alone, but I just don’t see the appeal.
36F, I’m doing this workbook with the super cheesy title, “Calling in the One” – it’s by the same therapist who coined the term “conscious uncoupling,” and it’s basically a book of like, daily mini psych workshops that address all the things we’re constantly hearing about – boundaries, attachment issues, fear, core wounds, wants v needs, sexuality, letting go of the past, purpose, how we welcome love into our lives, etc. The idea is that you finish the lessons to shift your energy/mindset/perspective to attract the right person for you.
Anyway, in the first lesson she talks about how marriage used to be about property and inheritance and family but now we’re moving into an era of “spiritual partnership,” where romantic love is the new frontier for spiritual growth and development – instead of marrying for economic reasons and to start a family, a lot of people now want someone who can help us realize fulfillment in all areas, which means knowing and being fully known by someone else so that we can help each other realize our soul’s purpose or path or journey or whatever you believe in this life.
Why does it have to be a romantic partnership? Maybe because of the being known fully part? I dunno – we can have emotional and physical affection and intimacy with friends but for those of us who are monogamous, love is a whole other level??
I haven’t experienced it yet so I don’t know, but her description really resonated with me as far as what I’m looking for! I don’t just want a roomie to split rent and hang out with (though that’s awesome), I want a bond where we’re building our lives together and becoming our best selves, and I do sort of feel like my life is on hold until I feel that, for better or worse! (Worse if you never find it, haha)
So it’s not just about owning the house and having a cool job and great friends, it’s about creating/finding/moving toward purpose?
It’s not just love, it’s that being held in that space creates space for you to fully realize talents, move forward with goals, etc – because you can do more with others than you can alone? I don’t know! Still figuring it out.
100% agree that finding a partner is often luck and timing. I shared a lot of your sentiments when I was single – I had a full, amazing life with fulfilling friendships, a supportive family, hobbies, etc, but I still deeply craved romantic love. What I landed on was just allowing that loud desire to exist and not making myself wrong for it. Yep I want love. Nope it’s not here yet. That’s okay.
I found that just owning it was better than trying to force myself to be like “omg I love being single, my life is so full, I don’t need a romantic partner!”, because for me that simply wasn’t true.
Now on the other side, having found someone after a longggg season single, I felt that was the right approach. There was something to that craving because now that I have that romantic partner, I feel deep fulfillment in a way I didn’t have before. And I think that’s okay! Some people just really thrive in a romantic relationship and some people are totally happy being single until/if they find someone. Both are valid ways of existing in the world 🩵
We humans are social creatures. And romantic relationships that are proper and good are the ultimate social relationship. Someone who is not just your friend but also partner in life and father/mother of your children.
Obviously it’s not for 100% of all people etc. and there will be some people who are antisocial even. But in general this is why people are into it.
I am so glad you wrote this post, I have been wondering the same thing lately. I went on an extended trip for the past months and had a great time solo, didn’t feel bad once about that, but coming back have been brutal.
My single friends biggest priority is to meet someone and don’t understand why I am not doing the same, while my coupled friends find it hard to believe that I am truly happy.
I am considering making up a fake boyfriend to be left alone. Maybe someone who lives in Canada and that I met in camp 😅
There is a lot of focus on romantic relationships because it’s worth it.
The reason is because at the end of it all, a good romantic relationship enhances whatever you are doing in life…you cannot come up with a situation where having a good partner doesn’t make it better. If you are an exec at a great company making great money, an entrepreneur that made their first million, an artist..it’s all enhanced by a partner.
I’ve been to Cancun as a single man. My wife and I went last year…as fun as it was to be single on the hunt, it was even better to go there with my wife.
Good luck to all out there
Love feels good.
Once you’ve had it, it’s hard to go back to being alone. You can get *used* to being alone but having someone who’s your cheerleader, friend, and source of affection is impossible to compensate for.
It feels good being seen, and understood.
The older you get. the harder it gets to find someone, so when you’re >30 the fear of being alone forever can be amplified.
I’ve taken a break from dating for the past month, personally. Online dating / apps obliterates my self confidence, and I’ve I’m tired of dealing with passive aggressive behavior.
Very insightful post, thank you. I view the desire to have a relationship as just that – a desire. And according to the second noble truth, desire inevitably leads to suffering.
You are objectively whole. Failing to recognize this will only lead to chasing desire – which, let’s face it, usually doesn’t live up to expectation on dating apps or meet ups.
I can empathize with you, especially as a guy with hormones. But I remind myself that it’s just that – a desire – and move along with my life by focusing on my own personal goals.
Because they are frigging awesome? You’re comparing apples to oranges here. It’s so great that you have a happy and fulfilling life, beach vacations, family, apartment, all that. Romantic relationships (when they work) are like nothing else in life though.
I think popular culture and discourse does push the narrative that… well, if romantic relationships are great, then if you don’t currently have one, it means you’re somehow “less”. But you don’t have to buy into it. You can want a relationship for the sake of wanting a relationship and all its beauty, not because you “need it” to have a happy and fulfilling life.
OP first of all Cozumel is worth checking out. Being in a resort is not living life for everyone. You’ll meet way more people in a place you can explore, rather than hide from your perception of what the country will be like.
Second of all, it’s survivorship bias. Think about every rich person that’s born never having to lift a finger? Do they think they earned it? That’s there a meritocratic system rewarding the worthy and vice versa? Nah it’s the opposite, pure chaos.
What may be getting to you is social media of the happy couples (sans the struggles of any relationship, and their inner monologues that yearn for more meaning in life once the novelty wears off and they are left with the real versions of the person they chased and not the one in their head), subtilely aggressive comments (through incompetence not maliciousness, usually, like “you’re great I can’t believe no one has snatched you up”), and maybe familial pressure as well.
All in all, the only thing you can do is stop giving a fuck. True connection is so rare, and the best thing you can do for future you is to take life day by day and enjoy it. Consider stoicism.
We’re not meant to be alone
Have you considered relaxing your standards – race/height etc in your search of finding a partner?
I think part of the problem is that we collectively have this idea that we should have every part of our lives figured out by the time we’re 30 at least, including a partnership.
But why the emphasis on romantic relationships as the be all end all of the human experience…? I’m not sure. We’re all looking for connection and fulfilling relationships, and for most of us who WANT to be in a healthy, loving partnership, a romantic relationship is the meat and potatoes of connection and fulfilling relationships.
Everything else is the vegetables. Which are actually vitally important for health and longevity.
But the partnership being the “meat” in this analogy… the main attraction. Why the emphasis??? Why do most of us desire that? And why does not achieving it feel like we’re defective?
Not sure, probably comes with the territory of being an insanely social species.
I’m kind of in the same boat. I live somewhere people vacation to, I have a job that affords me a decent lifestyle, I have a great family, a few cool hobbies and a good social group. Still can’t help but to feel a bit empty at times, that I’m missing that special someone. Doesn’t help that I’m at that age where everyone is getting married and having kids. I’m in zero rush to find that *right* person and am generally happy being single. But there’s that spot in the back of my mind that wishes I had someone to share my very cool life with. I’m not bitter about it and I’ll happily keep looking
This post resonated with me so much. I couldn’t enjoy my recent trip to Hawaii as much as I wanted to because I knew it would be much better if I had someone to share the experiences with. I’m getting tired of people treating me with like there is something wrong with me because I am 31 and single. It really puts a strain on my mental health.
Oxytocin, partnership (there are some things which can really only be done well with 2 or more people), and a 2x income, and for some people, reproduction.
We’re hardwired for intimacy, sex, companionship.
I see more women rejecting this. Invest in your friend group, make plans travel and such with them, etc. I’m glad that’s more common now.
Lets say your job, or friends and probably your relatives (which all have their own lives and problems) won’t come to your help on a bad day, when everything wants to crush you, with a hug, a coffee or tea, a blanket and a silent company. Some people are perfectly fine on their own, it is in their nature, others suffer as companionship is one of their vital needs.
Well question morphed through the title. We to include yourself, or we as in society as a whole outside of yourself who is single.
I think most couples think everyone should have a partner because they have a partner. Just like most parents think everyone should have a kid because they have a kid. It is natural for them to bias the world towards themselves.
However, I think that it is natural to feel lonely and when surrounded by couples, to pine for what you don’t have. But I think alot of people actually envy single and child free people more than we realize. It’s a classic grass is greener.
I have a large friend group, stay active, and travel more than anyone I know. My mom and my sister are both married. They think I should partner and have kids like my sister did. I do want that. But I know they are also both envious of my life. I have more friends, more freedom, and certainly more adventure than either of them.
So yes sometimes I get lonely and miss what could be, but then I just think of all the people who would kill to be in my shoes and try to be grateful for what I have.
I’m 32F and have never had this thought in my life so my only suggestion would be reframing your thought process. If I was being buried alive I wouldn’t be thinking about a boyfriend. Much less if I was on a beach.
Add race to luck and good timing. Some races find it harder to find a partner if they’re in certain parts of the world.
I’m a healthy 29year old, good looking woman. I’ll be finishing my medical degree in 2 years, I have lovely family and friends who admire and support what I do. I’ve overcome unimaginable pain and burdens to get where I am now, I’m a first generation university attending and ongoing doctor.
And still, I ask myself everyday on what could be wrong with me that no one in the past 10 years has chosen to be with me. I will literally sit in front of my desk everyday during exam session and feel lonely af wondering what it was that ex lover XY is now with someone else, and what I might be lacking that he didn’t give me a chance.
I will get in deep discomfort when my mates talk about their partners and happy relationships, or when I’m being asked if I’m seeing someone. I feel like the looks of other people noticing that I’ve been single for ten years are piercing trough my body.
I have lived through traumatic events with every father figured I had and it the abuse continued with every teenage boyfriend I had that I gave up on men at some point. And every-time I tried to open up again I was reminded immediately on why I closed off in the first place.
In that case I’d rather be alone, on the other hand I feel a deep shame inside of me bc I don’t get to experience the things that my friends and colleagues have on a daily. Blame it on society or the innate longing for someone who understands and appreciates one on a deeper level than friendship.
I don’t want to sound ungrateful but sometimes these feelings overwhelm me and will overshadow every blessing I have in my life.
These comments are interesting. I think having a good partner makes life easier for sure. I can’t think of a time I’ve had more fun then when I’m with a couple select friends. I’ve traveled with partners and with friends, and prefer friends. I have an amazing immediate family that think I’m nuts for wanting a relationship. My dad tells me to keep everything casual and do whatever I want. My mom could care less if I have someone. My sister has a bf and would prefer to be alone.
I think the deep void I feel is just my trauma. No one person can fill it, only I can. Society just shoves love and marriage etc down your throat since children. Fairytales and all. That’s where I got this idea of needing a partner.
I feel like so many of the comments on here are glorifying romantic relationships, but the reality is there are so many people coupled up who are completely miserable. I was half of a happy couple before my husband passed away, but this really isn’t the norm.
I hear you on the vacation thing.
Im off for 6 weeks surfing in Indonesia next week.
Last year when I did the same trip I definitely felt lonely. Being in paradise, having the time of my life, having no one to share it with, eating alone in restaurants, surrounded by couples and couples with children. Being out in the surf, watching the parents psych their kids to take the plunge into the wave of their life. I felt like I had missed out.
I get dates with lots of women but I dont fit in in society and never have. The paradox of choice means that taking a risk on me is not worth it when there are so many options.
Im 41. I have a very high passive income. I live this amazing life. I find dating hard. My life circumstances and my past mean that I do not relate to 99 percent of people. Shit im left handed and green eyed. Im already one in 500.
I do have a mood disorder. This causes people to go hol up. I will always be a tentative yes, not a fuck yes. Im cool with that. Just need someone with as high a risk tolerance as my self.